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ah, 2009...

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

can you be a better friend than 2008? Can we try to do this together, you know, like partners? Can we promise each other, right now, that you'll be a much friendlier, kinder year than your predecessor? Please?

As 2009 is just hours away, I can't help but think of what is to come. The Captain is one surgery down with a couple more to go (we think). We have some legal stuff to take care of next month (fingers crossed). And of course, who could forget that we're entering another year of baby-wanting-but-not-getting.

Speaking of (or typing of...?) TTC, it occurred to me that 2009 will probably not bring a baby. Now, I'm not saying it definitely won't happen. But I am being realistic. (The Captain would love being a realist, instead of the dreamer I usually am.) I just don't see it happening. And not because we don't want it to, obviously. But I just don't think it's in the cards for us in 2009 (those of you who know us IRL kwim).

And you know what? I am strangely, almost frighteningly, at ease with this realization. That doesn't mean our desire isn't there or has just gone away. Or I won't feel as, oh I don't know, pissed at the world about our fertility problems. But perhaps since I recognize that '09 will (more than likely) not bring a mini-captain, the easier it will be for me to deal/cope with our situation? Maybe not? We'll see. Shrug.

Now, all of that being said...AF is late. I think it's just stress, as I'm not in the running. Kind of a cruel, tho not unusual, way to end the year, eh? Bwahahahahaha. Bitch. ;)

And just so y'all know, my only resolutions for 2009 are to smile more and laugh as often as possible and love with all that I have. ( know you love it when I get all Hallmark-y on you!)

Be safe. Be merry. Be the star of the p-a-r-t-y!

Happy New Year!

and so this is Christmas

Thursday, December 25, 2008

...and I'm blogging. Something is terribly wrong with this picture, I think. Maybe not. I'm sitting in my living room surrounded by the Captain's family, waiting for our dinner to finish cooking. Another hour.


Went to midnight Mass last night. It was absolutely beautiful. I went alone and I must admit it was a bit weird being there by myself with families and couples all around me. But I was fine, just felt a bit awkward. Spent a lot of time praying for and thinking about the families affected by the accident I wrote about earlier in the week. .

Spoke with my mom yesterday. J is doing ok. He asked to go to the funeral, so they took him. He was upset (obviously) and is still in near-constant contact with his friends. Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers.
The Captain is summoning me. Ok, he's kinda raising his voice in annoyance that I'm online. And he's probably right. So, I'm signing off.
I hope you & yours have very Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah! And for all of you - I wish you joy, peace and love this season.

prayer request

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I don't do this often but I feel compelled to ask all of you for your prayers, good thoughts or whatever you can offer. I don't really know how to begin, so forgive me if this post is all over the place -

Sunday night, my brother (J) lost a classmate in an auto accident. She was 12. Another classmate is in a coma (also 12yro) and her brother did not survive the accident.

Apparently, a group of kids (8) were in a station wagon, went for a joy ride down some back roads to a bridge (a known hangout for teens) and had an accident. It's still unclear as to exactly what happened but the driver of the car was a 15yro unlicensed boy; he is fine. There were two fatalities (above) and the other 5 CHILDREN are in the hospital with serious to critical injuries.

I cannot even begin to fathom what these parents and families and friends are going thru right now.

J has asked to go to the viewing of his classmate tonight, so my mom & stepdad have decided to take him. It's a tough decision but I think it's the right one. My heart is breaking for him, as this is his first experience with death - someone his age and a girl he was close friends with. He hasn't opened up too much about it but I know he's taking it hard. He's been on his cell phone non-stop for the past two days with other classmates/friends - keeping updated on the situation and consoling one another - he lives in a TINY town (pop 900) and there are less than 30 students in his entire class. It's so tender and absolutely heartbreaking. Mom brought him up to see the Captain and me last night and they just left a couple of hours ago. I tried to keep him smiling and we goofed around a lot. But it's scares me to think of the emotions he's going to have to be dealing with in the coming hours/days. My god! They are only twelve years old!

I can't even see my screen anymore thru my tears, so I'm going to sign off. If you could just keep these kids and families in your thoughts and prayers, I would appreciate it. They need all they can get right now.

Be safe.


i'm such a slacker

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Sorry for the lack of posting these days. I promise I'll pick back up once things get back to normal.

The Captain is recovering nicely; thank you for all your thoughts & prayers. We went back for his post op on Thursday and all is well. Yay! A little factoid about his surgery: he's now 1/2 inch taller! I'm shrinking and he's reaching for the sky. I'm just under 5'3 and he's officially 6'2 now. Oh, he's thrilled. And my neck is feeling strained. ;)

Obviously, nothing new on the TTC front. My lower back was aching yesterday, so I'm fairly certain AF will be here w/i the next 2 days. I will say that I am SO happy that my cycles are "normal" these days - one less thing to be worrying over. A bit ironic, though - I remember dreading AF before TTC, just b/c of the mess and inconvenience. But now, ah, what a site she least until we start actively TTC again.

Hard to believe Christmas is this week. I'll be honest, it's not my favorite holiday. Never has been. Probably never will be. I'm not a Grinch tho, I promise. My folks are divorced and there was always a lot of shuffling during the holidays - never a lot of time spent with family and friends, uninterrupted. I don't blame my 'rents anymore. It was what it was - nothing can change that. But I do hope to create new traditions for our family, our children. Thursday will come. And Thursday will go. And I'll likely feel just the same on Friday as I did on Wednesday. And so it goes...

I do wish all of you a happy, healthy holiday season! May 2009 bring us joy, peace and perhaps some pitter-patter!


we're home!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Sorry I've been MIA...(just in case I have any followers, lol)....

The Captain had his surgery on Friday. There were no complications but there was a huge surprise. The discs in his neck were too badly damaged to fuse, so they had to be removed. And the Captain is now the proud owner/wearer of an artificial spacer, titanium plate and screws! man has more medal than I do! And a 4.5in gash/cut/soon-to-be scar across the front of his neck. It's ok tho, it just adds to his sexiness.

Other than that, all is well. Just trying to keep him comfortable and keep my sanity as I play nurse-maid.

TMI: I have a yeast infection. First one EVER. Fun.

just another cycle

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

i meant to post that cd1 was last wednesday. not that it means much, as we're not really doing anything right now. but it is still another cycle with not much to show. well, with nothing to show.

and so it goes...

in other news, i have several other blogging buds who are patiently awaiting their BFP's. and i'm sending all of my prayers up for y'all and wishin' and hopin' (c'mon, sing along...) and thinkin' and prayin' for some BFP's (i'll leave the "plannin' & dreamin'"up to y'all...hehe)!!


Monday, December 1, 2008

Ok. So, I said that I would post something that I read on the night of my Hidden Messages post that was, imo, the coincidence of all coincidences. Ha!

I should probably do this in the morning but I don't get up early enough (even though 5 min would be plenty of time), so I read daily meditations from A Catholic Woman's Book of Days each night before I pray. Here is the entry for November 18 (the 1st part is scripture, the 2nd is the author's words and the 3rd is a prayer for the reader, reflecting on the passage):

Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit;
serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be
patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
-ROMANS 12:11-12
It is easy, sometimes, to grow weary of prayer.
Physical fatigue is not the problem. No, it's the temptation to let hope drain while we wait for answers.
When those answers don't seem to come, we can tire. We wonder if anyone is there. We wonder if we're just not worthy of God's attention.
Paul reminds us to persevere. And we remember the times that Jesus reminds us that, if human beings respond to requests from those they love, God surely will, too.
Father, as I lay my needs before you, help me trust that you are listening.
(me again) You can only imagine what was going thru my mind when I read this....some things just make you go "hmmm....".

december, here we come!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Well, I cancelled my appointment for Friday w/ the new RE. Even tho it sucked that I had to do this, I did it because....

the Captain's surgery (one) has finally been scheduled for 12/05! Whoot,Whoot!! We are so excited! And nervous. And hopeful. And scared. But most of all, we are just thankful that it is finally happening. The doctors will be fusing discs in his neck and doing something* to his nerve blockers that will, hopefully, relieve some of the pressure in his back - where the other 6 ruptured discs are located. We'll see; we are crossing our fingers and praying this does what it is intended to do.


I also wanted to discuss a little bit about my previous post. I want to point out that in general, I am an extremely optimistic person - especially about battling infertility. I don't usually get too down about it and try to always see the silver lining. Though, I admit, it isn't always easy and I do succumb to the range of negative emotions that those of us w/ IF often endure.
That being said, I really tried to analyze my "prayer" even more....I know, I'm a dweeb. And what I got from it is that I have lost motivation to do the things that I enjoyed long before infertility was even a word in my everyday vocabulary.
I used to enjoy crafts, knitting, baking, sewing...I can go on and on. But I've found over the past 6 months or so, my liking of these sorts of hobbies has waned. And that is what I am trying to get back to....even if I have to force my hand to do it. I've printed out numerous patterns and projects for me to start on and I really think that will help get me back to me. And that's my goal for now.
(I also have something interesting to share with you out of one of the books I read a passage from nightly but I keep forgetting to make sure I have it with me. I'll try to get on tonight and post about it. Something to keep you coming back, perhaps. Hehe)
p.s. the spacing issue is really getting on my nerves. please, blogger, fix it. thx!

hidden messages

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Every night, after I'm finished reading and turn out the lights and right before I'm about to close my eyes and let my mind wander off into far away lands, I pray. Generally, I express my gratitude and then pray for specifics ( "wants"). And I'll be honest, I am usually drifting off by the time I'm finished. But last night, something different and weird happened.

When I closed my eyes to pray (everyone does this, right?), I saw the words of what I was praying about scrolling on a screen w/ an overlay of what I can only describe as bouncing speakers (think cartoonish). And a song was blaring over my thoughts. I mean BLARING! I could barely hear myself think. Now, I was awake - I was not asleep, this was not a dream - I was awake, lying in my bed, trying to pray. After a few minutes, I sat up and had a conversation with myself - asking it to stop. Begging it to stop. DEMANDING that it stop. It didn't. I gave up and tried to go to sleep but the song was still there - playing over and over and over. I dreamt about the song...and my prayer that never was a LONG night, as I kept waking up - only to fall back asleep w/ words scrolling and music blasting.


And it continues today. The song is stuck in my head. I can't get rid of it. I am not one of those who reads into dreams - they are what they are, plain and simple. At least that's what I thought.

I got online this morning & looked up the lyrics so that I could read them and try to make sense of this confusion, my confusion. It's a popular song and I'm certain you've heard it many times. I read it once. Then again. And again.

And I realized I had been praying all along.

Wake Me Up Inside - Evanescense

How can you see into my eyes
Like open doors?
Lading you down into my core,
Where I've become so numb.
Without a soul,
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold,
Until you find it there and lead it back
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside.
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside.
(Save me)
Call my name
and save me from the dark.
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run.
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone.
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become.
Now that I know what I'm without,
You can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real.
Bring me to life.
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside.
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside.
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark.
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run.
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone.
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become.
Bring me to life.
(I've been living a lie.
There's nothing inside)
Bring me to life.
Frozen inside without your touch,
Without your love, darling.
Only you are the life among the dead.
(All of this sight,
I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark
but you were there in front of me)
I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
I've got to open my eyes to everything.
(Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul
Don't let me die here.
There must be something more).
Bring me to life.
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside.
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside.
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark.
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run.
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone.
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become.
Bring me to life.
(I've been living a lie.
There's nothing inside)
Bring me to life.


Monday, November 17, 2008

i had a post topic in mind this morning & have completely forgotten what it was. crap.

but i do have a question - cd1 was on oct 27 & on cd20 (nov 15) i had EWCM & some mild/noticeable cramping on my right side. i am crossing my fingers that i O'd. but i'm kinda thinking cd20 seems late to be O'ing. i had EWCM on cd17 my previous cycle but felt no symptoms of ovulation.

i've read my TCYF book and i'm thinking this is pretty normal but my EWCM only lasts for MAYBE 2 days. last month it was just plain weird tho - i had EWCM on cd17 and then nothing until cd22.

i'm so usual. lol. thank goodness i have a dr appt this week. i just love being the patient who comes in with a blank look on her face while telling the RE "yes, we have been ttc for 2+ years. promise."

(sorry about the font changes. i really was getting tired of the spacing issues i was having and am trying to see how i like the "Arial")

6 years

Monday, November 10, 2008

six years ago yesterday, november 9th, the captain and i tied the knot!

wow. i can't believe it's already been six, over half a decade! who'd have thunk?

we decided to forgo a "traditional wedding" and planned a destination wedding in Lake Tahoe. i remember being concerned about whether or not it was going to be snowing, so i called (iirc, it was the local chamber of commerce) and asked about weather history. the lady on the other end of the line assured me that it NEVER snows in lake tahoe until on/or around Thanksgiving. whew! so, i booked our travel arrangements and we picked 11/09/02 as our wedding date! (a little bit of trivia: the captain proposed on 11/09/01.)

we had a small, intimate wedding here, with snow as the backdrop (uhuh, i said snow!) and it was absolutely beautiful! then, we treated our guests (about 20ppl) to an awesome dinner here. the captain and i stayed behind for another 5 days and did a couple of road trips up/down the west coast and lounged around tahoe. we loved it and we are planning on going back soon.

a couple of weeks after we returned, we had a reception here - dinner and dancing with our friends & family! it was an unforgettable night!

we had been talking about what to do for our anniversary for about a week but hadn't really decided on anything other than a nice, home cooked meal. but yesterday, the captain woke up with a very upset stomach...which ended up putting a crimp into our day. so, even though we didn't get to do much of anything for our 6th wedding anniversary, we were together and we are happy and that is all that matters.

happy anniversary & i love you, captain!


Wednesday, November 5, 2008

as most of you know, i am a Conservative. this election, i did a write-in for Ron Paul; staying true to my word. i am not saddened, like some, that BO will be our next president. nor am i saddened that JM didn't win. i, like most other Conservatives i know, am praying that my party re-groups and re-evaluates their mission & goal(s); as i said before, i did not leave the re.publican party, the re.publican party left me. and to be frank, these days i consider myself among the radical center (google for more info.)

i am proud of my country & am so thankful that i am alive to witness what happened last night. i cannot wait to share this amazing story in american history with my grandchildren!

all of that being in-box had an e-mail from a fellow Ron Paul supporter. i agree 100% with what he had to say and i'm posting it here for all to read because it is just too aWeSoMe not to share.

I hope...that we can all stand back and see both what we have to work with and against.

I hope that all of this positive energy coming from people who truly do want peace, prosperity and good will towards mankind will be a help towards our efforts.

The collective consciousness of the world was changed last night for the better; if people can't see that then they just don't want to see it.

I, personally, would much rather work in an atmosphere of positive energy, love and hope than one of pessimism, fear and despair.

Now let's get to work!


i don't care who it's for...

Tuesday, November 4, 2008



Monday, November 3, 2008

this past weekend, my friend jen gave me my very first blog award! this is what jen had to say about me:

Dana is my "soul sister." I love the music tracks on her blog when I open it up to see what she has going on in her world. We both are leading very parallel lives - especially as it pertains to Infertility. The biggest difference between us is that she's a conservative and I'm pretty much a bleeding hear liberal.... Her blog is honest and real and often features some of the most humorous conversations that I have ever heard between a person and the staff at her doctor's office. ;)

thanks, jen! I think you're pretty cool, too....even if you are a bleedin' heart liberal (shhh...don't tell anyone or my reputation will be screwed!)! most of y'all probably haven't read jen's blog b/c it's private. but jen is a fellow infertile who, too, is struggling to conceive her & her DH's first baby. jen, you are constantly in my prayers as we go thru this journey together. crossing my everythings that this month is the month. muah!

There is also a Meme that comes with the award!

1. Where is your cell phone? desk

2. Where is your significant other? sleeping

3. Your hair color? reddish-brown (one word!)

4. Your mother? punctual

5. Your father? tardy

6. Your favorite thing? blankie

7. Your dream last night? forgettable

8. Your dream/goal? happiness

9. The room you're in? office

10. Your hobby? sewing

11. Your fear? regret

12. Where do you want to be in six years? satisfied

13. Where were you last night? couch

14. What you're not? pushover

15. One of your wish list items? babe

16. Where you grew up? America

17. The last thing you did? pee ;)

18. What are you wearing? undergarments

19. Your T.V.? sports

20. Your Pet? psycho

21. Your computer? addicting

22. Your mood? mild

23. Missing someone? jake

24. Your car? tahoe

25. Something you're not wearing? shoes

26. Favorite store? francesca's

27. Your Summer? HOT

28. Love someone? yep

29. Your favorite color? green

30. When is the last time you laughed? sunrise

31. When was the last time you cried? sunset

there are so many blogs i frequent and most of them are private. but i've decided on one blog & i'm going to pass this award on to jade:

jade & i crossed paths on a message board. we were both posting on a thread that questioned religions (we're both catholic) and we started noticing we had A LOT in common. after multiple e-mails, it was confirmed that jade is my long, lost lebanese sister! jade has the best sense of humor and her blogging is honest and uncut. she has an adorable son, houston, who is h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s! check her out!


back to the RE

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

finally got a call back from my dr C's office about my lab results. apparently my glucose came back too high (110), so i'm being sent back to the RE. damn.

i called and made an appt w/ an RE who came highly recommended (w/ results...haha). so, i'm booked for 11/21 @ 10am. they want me to fill out a form so they can check my insurance coverage...bwahahahahahahahaha! ok, not so funny.

fun times, friends. fun times.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

yesterday was cd1! that means i had a 28 day cycle...but more importantly, that means i have now had 4 cycles in a row that came "on their own". nan-nan-a-boo-boo!

last week i got a call from my dr. c's office; here's the convo:

nurse: hi dana, this is nurse blah-blah from dr c's office.
me: hello? (and why are you calling?)
nurse: we rec'd your refill request for the metformin and it's time for you to come back in and have your 3 month lab test done.
me: my what?
nurse: your 3 month blood test to check your kidney & liver function.
me: are you sure you're calling the right patient? there's nothing wrong w/ my kidney's or my liver.
nurse: well, you are on metformin, correct?
me: correct.
nurse: your last lab was july, you're overdue.
me: overdue for what?
nurse: (((SIGH))) your kidney & liver check....required when you take metformin.
me: uh.......

the conversation continued for a few minutes as we went back & forth. mainly me denying that i needed that test. b/c see, the thing is, i haven't EVER had one of those tests. my last test in july was my annual CBC - my dr does it every year, for every patient, @ their annual visit. so, you can see why i was perplexed.

uberlong story short, when you are on met, you are supposed to have this kidney/liver test done every 3 months (according to the nurse, who i'm assuming got that info from my dr - so i have no reason to doubt her. ehm.) .

and it's not that i do doubt her. it's that for a year, i've been taking met...the max dosage....2000mg a day. so, it's kinda worrisome to hear that i should've been checking my organs to make sure they're not dysfunctional (at least some of my organs, anyway). so, of course, the next two days i sat and thought about all the things wrong w/ me over the past year and wondered if they could be attributed to my kidney's or liver. but nothing stood out. good.

on friday i went to the lab. i was running late and starving - so i called the lab to find out if i needed to fast for this test. i was told no (and yes, the thought did cross my mind that maybe the lab tech didn't really know if this was a fasting test but you know me, trustworthy & all).....

and then i get a call yesterday - and look at the caller id "Austin Area OBGYN"...and i think shit, shit, shit....this cannot be good. nurse blah blah calls back to tell me that my sugars were higher than in july (110 v 105) and needs me to come in again. asks if i was fasting, just to "confirm". um, nope.

and so i'm here...waiting for a call back to see if i need to go retest. it's really not a big deal, just more of an annoyance. and there goes dr c's 10 year perfect record of outstanding-never-miss-anything-always-on-the-ball service. damn.

NIAW Cont'd....The GOOD!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

so, today i'll post about the "good" of infertility. i know you must be asking yourself what good can come from being infertile but there are a few things. and this one has been life changing:

as i've previously stated, being infertile changes a person but it also changes those around you. you slowly notice that people stop calling, especially if they are starting their own families. and really, i completely understand. for most of us, our lives nearly come to a screeching halt when we are diagnosed with infertility. time is spent going to the dr, taking meds, timing sex etc...and in turn we, too, lose touch with the "outside world." and after a while, even i get tired of hearing myself talk about not getting a BFP, the side effects of the drugs i'm on, my raging hormones, the depression that slowly sinks in month after month - so i don't expect my friends to want to hear about it either.

so, i turned to and truly embraced the capabilities of the world wide web.

and then i found them. women in waiting. my sisters in this fight.

i will NEVER be able to fully express to you my gratitude to these women. women who don't even know me! but day after day, they offer their unending support of encouragement, inspiration, thoughts, advice....oh, how the list goes on.

if you take a peek a the long list of blogs i follow (to your right), you will see a few. but there a few who deserve to be called out - some of which i have used code names (they know who they are) to protect their innocence (hehe):


singing bird*

i have known some of you longer than others but i need y'all to know that without you, i can honestly say i do not know where i would be today, two-&-a half years into this journey. each of you, in your own way, feed my soul with your friendship and kindness. i am eternally grateful for having met you.

and tonight, i thank you.

*not infertile but totally belongs in this post of giving thanks.

NIAW - Cont'd....kinda

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

so, i said i'd try to do a "post a day" this week about the good, bad and ugly of infertility. but i think that was a bad idea. for the most part, my horse is already dead and i really don't feel like beating it anymore. i mean, do you really want to hear about how....

i never thought seeing pregnant women would bother me? it does.

or how passing by an elementary school while the kids are running around @ recess can send me bursting into tears? it does.

oh, i know! did i ever stop to think that i'd be in my 30's before i had my first child (late 20's maybe...)? no, but it's looking that way.

was i able to accomplish all my life's goals that seemed so effing important before having a baby? no.

and does that really matter now? no.

or the thoughts that i ponder regularly:

  • was it really necessary that i freaked out when i forgot my pills on a road trip 5 yrs ago?
  • moreover, why was i so insistent that i stay on the damn pill after we were married?
  • is this thing they call infertility my punishment for "not wanting them yet" the first 3.5 yrs of our marriage?

these are only some of the musings in my little brain...i do have to save something to post about later. but i do have one last question for you -

do you wonder if i've lost hope?

no, not yet.

National Infertility Awareness Week

Monday, October 20, 2008

October 19-25 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). There are currently two bills in Congress that address IF: H. Res. 322 and H.R. 2892 in Congress (ehm, have been since 2007) to bring more awareness to IF and provide more coverage; unfortunately, they haven't gone far. If you feel inclined to do so, please e-mail your rep and ask that they vote to pass these bills and others like them. In your heart, you'll hear 7.3 million people thanking you, I promise.

I'm going to try to do a post every day (oops....missed yesterday!) about how Infertility has affected us (good and bad). So, here's today's post:

Wow. October marks month 31 of us TTC #1. I honestly never thought we'd reach this mark. I mean, I always kinda figured we'd "struggle" - but I figured we'd be part of the 80% that gets pregnant after 12mo of trying. Riiiight? Wrong. One thing IF has taught us is to never assume anything. And you know, that's actually a "good" thing. After 2+ years of trying to get pregnant, you kinda just go-with-the-flow, in all areas of life. I think I've become more relaxed (if you can believe it) and I try to stay away from and out of all the bullshit. I try not to get wrapped up in drama. And although it's been hard and I still have difficulty - I make it a point not to say "what if I'm pregnant" or "what if we have a baby by then"....I fail miserably at times but this has been my new goal when looking forward to the future.

more tomorrow....


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I have not lost a pregnancy, nor have I lost an infant. But I have (too) many friends who have. Tonight, my candle is for you and your babies.


semper fi

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

my stepbrother, g, leaves for the Ma.rines this morning. he was originally scheduled to leave last month but they had too many recruits, so his leave date got pushed back. he'll be going to camp pendleton for basic training & then off to tech school. (we're still waiting to hear if the fires, which have destroyed 500+ acres @ camp p., will have affect his departure - last minute.)

i'm proud of g for making this commitment. he is a wild one and really, really needs guidance and stability in his life. there is no doubt in my mind that the ma.rine corp is the best place for him. if he can stick it out, i know he will accomplish great feats - both external and internal.

i'm sure some of you reading this will have thoughts of your own regarding him joining the mil.itary right now. i respectfully request that you please keep the negative comments to yourself. our family has deep mil.itary roots, so our perspective is probably a bit different than some/most.

good luck and God bless, g.


hello monday!

Monday, October 13, 2008

good mornin' friends! let's not waste on pleasantries when there's important business to get to -

in case you haven't seen it, here's the new college football rankings:

AP Top 25
Texas (39) 6-0 1,599
2. Alabama (26) 6-0 1,582
Penn State 7-0 1,492
Oklahoma 5-1 1,306
Florida 5-1 1,284
USC 4-1 1,247
Texas Tech 6-0 1,210
Oklahoma State 6-0 1,184
Brigham Young 6-0 1,131
Georgia 5-1 1,081

Texas' busted out a can of whoop-ass on OU this weekend and we are now #1! Hook'Em HoRns!!
we had our big appointment in Houston on thursday. all went surprisingly well. hopefully all of this will be over w/i the next few months. keeping fingers crossed and prayers going to the BigMan himself.
not much happening cycle wise. no big surprises. no big let downs. and tbh, i am perfectly ok with this. oh - in somewhat related news, i've lost 22lbs.
my mom bought me a copy of Eat, Pray, Love this weekend. i've been wanting to read it ever since my friend jen (blog is private, or i'd link you) recommended it and i saw ms. gilbert on Oprah (and just ftr, i don't "do" Oprah like i once did...she's gotten a l'il too big for me). i started reading it last night and can already tell i'm going to really enjoy it.
i am officially bummed that it doesn't look like we'll be able to do any gardening this fall. we are in a drought and every thing i've read says not to plant anything until you've had a good rain. well, no rains for us. and time is fast approaching when it will be too late in the season to plant anything meaningful. we'll see.
oh...i'm still annoyed w/ this punctuation issue w/ blogger. the spacing (or lack thereof) is really pissing me off!
and that's it for me this morning. hope y'all have a marvelous monday!
peace out!

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Take Action

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce it's incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.
GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.
GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."
GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

i am SO lame

Monday, October 6, 2008

this is how lame i am....i have nothing to blog about. lol. weekend sports recap: my cubbies got their ass' handed to them by the dodgers....texas gave colorado a beat down, hook'em!....the 'boys barely pulled off a W against the bengals (i know, i know "the bengals?" you ask but seriously, it was that close)....and kasey managed not to finish @ talladega.

my friend kyle was kind enough to let me borrow his Summer 2008 cd today. here's what i'm jamming to while workin' my magic in excel (hehe):

1. The Way I Am / Ingrid Michaelson
2. Burnin' Up / Jonas Brothers
3. Crush / David Archuletta
4. So What / P!nk
5. The Time of My Life / David Cook
6. Leavin' / Jesse McCartney
7. Hot N Cold / Katy Perry
8. Say / John Mayer
9. Hey There Delilah / Plain White T's
10. Closer / Ne-Yo
11. Better In Time / Leona Lewis
12. Viva la Vida / Coldplay
13. I'm Yours / Jason Mraz
14. What You Got / Colby O'Donis
15. Angel / Natasha Bedingfield
16. Love Remains the Same / Gavin Rossdale
17. Bleeding Love / Leona Lewis
18. Don't Stop the Music / Rihanna
19. Forever / Chris Brown
20. Shadow of the Day / Linkin Park

and that reminds to change my blog tunes!

3x = a streak?

Monday, September 29, 2008

yesterday, the 28th day of the 9th month of the year of 2008, was cycle day 1...bringing the official tally to 31 months of ttc.

but who's counting?

the good news is this past cycle was 30 days. so it looks like things are finally normalizing, as this is the 3rd cycle in a row of 35 days or less. i did a lil' song&dance yesterday when i say it's your birthday, it's my birthday too, yeah...i'll spare you the rest.

i've decided that i'm going to try and embrace my period. we have, after all, been together for 18 years (scary)! and well, i've not always treated auntie flo with kindness. as a matter of fact, over the years, i've been down right slanderous. but no apologies are given...she's been a bitch from day one. however, i'm thinking if maybe i just you know, become friends with her, she'll ease my pain and try and work with me on this whole lets-have-a-baby thing. perhaps if i massage the ego of my reproductive system, it will decide to behave and act accordingly? no?

so far, there's been nary a cramp.

playoffs, here we come!

Monday, September 22, 2008

“Go Cubs Go”
By Chicago folk legend Steve Goodman.
Baseball season’s underway
Well you better get ready for a brand new day
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.
They’re singing …
Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today
Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.
They got the power, they got the speed
To be the best in the National League
Well this is the year and the Cubs are real
So come on down to Wrigley Field.
We’re singing now …
Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today
Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.
Baseball time is here again
You can catch it all on WGN
So stamp your feet and clap your hands
Chicago Cubs got the greatest fans.
You’re singing now …
Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today
Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.


and that's all i have to say on this marvelous monday!

another one?

Friday, September 19, 2008

i got an e-mail today from a guy i went to high school with titled "it's another girl!". yes "another". i have to admit, while i'm excited for him and his wife, there is a tiny piece of my heart that is devastated.

who am i kidding? there's a huge part of me that is devastated.

and in the next 3 months, we will be receiving more birth announcements than i have space on my fridge. we are officially the only childless couple in our circle of married friends. it sucks. and even though b/c of my cycle issues and the other situation that i cannot blog about are keeping us from actively TTC until early '09, it still sucks.

for the most part, i really strive to be upbeat about all this IF crap. i mean, i really make a concerted effort to not wallow in my sorrows. where does wallowing ever get you anyway? but yesterday was one of those days. you know them...the days when it takes every ounce of energy you have to get out of bed and face the world and all the bullshit that is thrown at you. when it takes everything you've got to sift through the minutia of everyday life. when you realize that you're a failure at the one thing that seems so basic...the one thing that should be an automatic in life. that was my day yesterday. and i know there will be more of them but i pray i don't have another one of those days for a while. i know He has a plan.

i must say, i am grateful on most days that we aren't actively TTC b/c of the situation that i cannot blog about (and really, THAT sucks) b/c it is so stressful and i cannot imagine trying to do both right now, it's still a hard pill to swallow. (i hope that made sense.)

to all my friends who have children and/or are about to expand their family, we are absolutely thrilled for you! and congratulate you on your blessings.

to all my IF friends (and one that is not IF, you know who you are), thank you for helping me get through days like yesterday; without you i honestly do not know what shape i'd be in.


Monday, September 15, 2008

so, we were spared by Ike. didn't even get a drop of rain! apparently we were 50 miles too far west. i'm kinda irritated. nothin' from Gustav...and nothin' from Ike. i mean, i know that most people don't wish for hurricanes but certainly people wish for rain, right? sigh.

only thing Ike did manage to screw up for us was a trip to Houston tomorrow. i don't think that will happen. and i am pissed. the captain and i had some extremely important business to handle in Houston. who knows when that'll get rescheduled.


nothing new to note as far as my cylce is concerned. i still haven't felt anything relating to ovulation. and i probably didn't ovulate or haven't yet....surprise! blech.

double blech.

what do y'all think about my new header? i did it myself over @ scrapblog. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that site!

moseying along...

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

today is cd12...not feeling anything remotely similar to what i felt last month that led me to believe i was ovulating. i'm not too surprised by this. sigh.

am i the only one sick of all the campaigning and POTUS election overload? ugh. i'm pooped! and who's idea was it to start this election cycle over a year ago anyway? i'd like to beat them w/ a 5lb bag of nickels! tbh, i'm ready for 2012. lol.
in case you're wondering, i'm an undecided libertarian. not a position i fancy right now...not at all.
off to get eatin' up by the vultures of the working world...bbl...

insurance be damned!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

today is cd5. i am supposed to start my clomid on cd5. but that is not going to happen. why? because of INSURANCE!

on 09/01, my prescription plan changed carriers. today is 09/03. not only did i not realize this but it also requires a new prior-authorization for the clomid. so, the earliest i'll be able to take the clomid is tomorrow, cd6...and that won't work. it won't freakin' work. dammit.

since most of my friends are teachers, i just wanted to give a huge sHoUt OuT to all you teachers! good luck this year!

insurance debacle...cont'd

Sunday, August 31, 2008

after i figured out that my insurance company doesn't cover much in the realm of infertility, i started doing some more digging around.

what i found only made me even more angry. (as if that were even a possibility)

apparently, texas has a law on the books that mandates insurance companies make available the OPTION for an employer to choose coverage for infertility. so, that means my anger has been misguided, kinda. and now it's directed towards my employer. and for those of you who know who that is...yes, i had a good laugh, too. assholes.

i should point out that we're not even to the point of either IUI or IVF, yet. i mean, once we get the green light (remember, we're on a sabbatical until jan '09), we've decided to do at least 3 months of monitoring and drug therapy. after that, we've discussed IUI w/ injectables. but that's as far as our discussions have gone. or perhaps that's as far as we're allowing our minds to wander. either way, it's still as upsetting knowing that none of this will be covered by anything other than our bank account...dwindle, dwindle.....

AF started this week....told ya i wasn't pregnant. i wonder if i'll ever get back to the point of being so excited, i can't hardly wait to POAS? doubtful.
completely off-topic but am i the only one who experiences punctuation issues (specifically spacing) with blogger? it's driving me insane!

the big read

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Big Read (a program of the National Endowment for the Arts) guesses that the average adult has only read six of the top 100 books on this list.

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline (or mark in a different color) the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your blog so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them ;-)

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible (I have started but not finished it entirely)
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky (I've read it but now that I'm older, I'd like to re-read it)
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan (saw the movie; I think the book is probably better)
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

38 books; not bad! thank you AP English! i'd say about 1/3 of the books that i have marked "to be read", i actually have them and they're in a stack, waiting for me.

i'm sorry, what was that?

Saturday, August 23, 2008

*warning: language

part 1

while i was checking out @ my annual, the nurse asked me if i'd like her to call my insurance company & ask what my "infertility care" benefits were. knowing they probably weren't great , i decided why not, i'll spare myself the frustration. right?


i received a letter in the mail from my dr's office about a week later. here's a summary:

"...we were told you have limited benefits and are not fully covered for infertility treatment....Excluded services will include IUI's, sperm wash and HCG injections."

it gets better...

"These charges (see above) must be paid at the time of your visit and will be discounted 20%. To assist you in planning, we have enclosed a fee schedule."

forget frustration! i was (am) livid! so, what better thing to do when you are livid and your eyes are popping out of your head but call the insurance company? oh what a lucky day it was for the rep on the other end of the line. this was our conversation:

me: i just got a disturbing letter from my OBGYN's office. i have a couple of questions regarding my "infertility care."

rep: ok. what can i help you with?

me: all of it.

rep: i'm sorry?

me: i want a full explanation as to why you don't cover anything other than the diagnosis of infertility. please explain my coverage, or lack thereof, for fertility drugs and treatment.

rep: well, we do cover the long as they're not used directly prior to and to aid an IUI or IVF.

me: what? you'll cover them as long as i don't use them for IUI or IVF?

rep: yes.

me: and why don't you cover IUI or IVF?

wait for it...

rep: because both are considered experimental.

me: you're shitting me?

rep: i'm sorry. what was that?

me: you've got to be SHITTING me!?! ((( EXPERIFUCKINGMENTAL?))) in 1978, the first successful IVF baby was born but IVF history goes back further and even further is when the first IUI was performed (see here). so you tell me? how the hell can IVF and IUI still be classified as "experimental"?

rep: i can't answer that ma'am. but our coverage changes annually; feel free to call back to see if it's been updated. i'm truly sorry ma'am.

me: yea, me too.


part 2

i've been slowly compiling research on infertility. i've read that 1 in 6 couples are infertile. ONE in SIX. that means there is someone in your life who is infertile. that means this is not an uncommon diagonsis. that means this isn't some obsure condition. what that means is that infertility treatment needs to be mandated and insurance companies need to be forced to offer coverage just like any other medical condition!

shortly after i had that conversation with my insurance company, i was reading Infertility Diaries, a blog on Redbook's website, written by Jen from Maybe If You Just Relax. Jen did a post about the lack of coverage for infertility treatments. Jen is very lucky in that she does have some coverage. Here's an excerpt that thru me for a little loop-de-loop & gave me whiplash:

So imagine my surprise when I get my explanation of benefits...
Total Charges for IVF #1: $14,650
Total Paid by Insurance: $4,750
Total Patient Responsibility: $350

are you reading that correctly? do you see that? do you see that for ME, an infertile without coverage, i would have to pay upwards of 15G's for ONE cycle of IVF. but those motherf'ers...i mean, insurance companies, only have to pay $5K?

oh, yea. i'm bending over alright. assholes.

but being the person that i am, i look to the brighter side of things. i like to think of life as a glass half full...which is why i'm ever-so-thankful that my OBGYN has offered to give me a 20% discount.


to be continued....yes, there's more.