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Monday, March 30, 2009

not much going on. saturday sucked, as expected. but it was an internal struggle more than anything else. we didn't really talk about it on saturday, as we'd briefly touched on the topic friday night. i think the captain knew i just needed to process it on my own. and i did. i guess.


april is going to be crazy busy for me/us. my sister's wedding is this weekend. then we have a trip to HOU next week for a day. the following week we'll be in HOU all week. and the next week (20-24), i'll be in OH on business.

at least i'm keeping myself busy, i suppose.

oh. my blogoversary was march 17. missed it. sigh. and btw, blogoversary just doesn't sound right after the mr. blogo fiasco. hmm. anyway. happy blog-versary to me. yay.

picked up this. not bad. not my fav but not bad. and the RJA album i picked up a couple of weeks ago (previous post) - total win. get it. you'll love it.

until next time....

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Although I've mostly walked in the shadows

I'm still searching for the light

Won't you put your faith in me

We both know that's what matters

If you give me a chance I'll try

You see I've been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down

I've been reaching high always losing ground

You see I've conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb

And right now, right now I'm doing the best I can

At this point in my life

Tracy Chapman, At This Point In My Life

bittersweet taste

Monday, March 23, 2009

My 100th post. Oh, the irony.

I started this blog to reach out to others suffering from infertility and to share experiences...failures and triumphs. And today, I write to tell you that after almost nearly 3 years (33 months)...I've started back on the pill (more on that later).

I'd be a liar if I told you anything other than that there is, indeed, a sadness that still- empty spot reserved for my own children; my own family. But there is also understanding and oddly enough, there is hope...and my hope shines thru my bitterness. At least for now. And that's all I can really ask for...just a bit of hope to gloss over the despair. I know the despair will continue to linger. And that's ok. I think. As long as I can hold onto the hope, I can live with the moroseness of infertility. So, I cling to it...the hope. Because that's all I have left. And that is not something I'm willing to give up. Not now. Not ever. I just can't.

And I won't. I'll try not to. For me. For the Captain. For us.

I wonder how I'm going to feel in 5 days? Will it be the same as last year? Or has so much changed that now everything is different? Ha. I just went back and reread that post...and I'm raising an amusement.

Maybe somethings always stay the same.

going back on my word

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Yesterday was cd1. And I am in a bloody hell with the crimson wave. I am seriously in awe of what my body is doing right now...and not in a good way. And I'm having reminders of this time last year. My period has been increasing in its' intensity, length and pain. So...

This evening the Captain and I had a confab. One that I never thought we'd have to have again. And it revolved around two words: the pill.

I was on the pill for 10 yrs before I went quit taking the babyblocker in hopes of TTC. And I swore on my hair that I'd never go back on it. Never-Ever-Never.

Call me weak. Call me a traitor. Call me a sinner. You can call me whatever you want but we've decided to take the 'easy' route. But that doesn't mean it was an easy choice to make - believe me, we did not (and maybe still don't) see eye-to-eye about this issue. But since we're here now, things have changed. They are what they are....

and, I'll be swinging by my OBGYNs office to pick up some samples and a script.

Although I'm a tad reluctant and still a bit conflicted I am, selfishly, looking forward to the relief.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I have come curiously close to the end, down

beneath my self-indulgent pitiful hole.


I concede and move closer.

I may find comfort here

I may find peace within the emptiness.

Tool, Reflection

yea,yea. i suck. i know

Sunday, March 15, 2009

i've been ignoring my blog.

things have been pretty mellow lately. which is nice. because between my sister's wedding and our upcoming court drama, the shit is soon to hit the fan.

so i'm enjoying the slow pace. for now.

played some dominoes over the weekend with the neighbors. then got sucked into playing 'sum dominoes' with the neighbor's daughter, S. dunno if you've ever played it but it's part of the math pentathlon. and if you want to be mindfucked, i recommend it. srsly. even tho the info-packet lists logic, among other things, as one of the objectives - there is absolutely no logic. and this bugs me. because i look for logic everywhere. but whatever. go forth 2nd graders. leave real dominoes to the grown-ups.

got some new tunes this weekend, too. don't tell the captain. he doesn't get my obsession w/ music and i don't want him all pissy. hehe. in case you're wondering and i know that you are, i grabbed this and this. really wanted this and briefly experienced heartfail when i couldn't find it. maybe next time. (ftr, i do still download music but i've gone back to my old habits of actually purchasing cds. i kinda missed 'em.)

until next time...peace.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Light Is More Important Than The Lantern

Light is more important than the lantern,
The poem more important than the notebook,
And the kiss more important than the lips.
My letters to you
Are greater and more important than both of us.
They are the only documents
Where people will discover
Your beauty
And my madness.

~Nizar Qabbani~

on running late

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

i woke this morning the the melodic sound of my black.berry. not the screeching shriek of my alarm clock. and what ensued at that point was pure hilarity to the Captain, I'm sure.

but you've been there. and you've done that. so i won't go into how i darted out of bed as if Satan himself was staring me in the face... i tripped over my own feet on my way to pee... i skipped the Lis.terine and just started vigorously brushing (which btw kinda makes me feel dirty)...threw my hair up in a bun and thanking g-d i remembered deodorant, i was out the door in 10 min flat.

without my coffee.

and the entire way to work, i was very verbally cursing the gods who decided that it was necessary to change the time twice a year. i mean, really. does it matter? it'll still get darker earlier or stay lighter later no matter what my clock says. so must they screw me all to hell and get my panties in a wad every fall and every spring?

and then, i heard this on the radio and was brought down off my pedestal (only a little tho)

p.s. i'm totally diggin' the disheveled look, btw.


Saturday, March 7, 2009

I don't really have anything of significance to blog about (for a change), so I figured I'd share a few random outtakes from conversations btwn the Captain and myself this week...

***the Captian on becoming impatient with another person: "Hurry the hell up before I go Nancy.Kerrigan on your ass!"

seriously, who just pulls out a 'nancy.kerrigan' card? the captain, apparently.

***Back and forth that took place in the McDonald's drive-thru:

me: .....and I'd like to get a cheeseburger happy meal

McDs chick: would you like a girl or boy toy?

me: doesn't matter

the Captain (yelling across the car): we'd like a METROSEXUAL, please!

O.M.G. I nearly died from both embarrassment and laughter.

***I was IMing with a friend of mine the other night. And I was trying to remember the name of a certain old t.v. show. So, knowing he'd know the answer...this is how the convo went -

me: hey babe, 'member that old hillbilly show back in like the 70's. it was like a variety hour with rednecks and they used to square dance or something...i just remember them wearing a lot of gingham...remember? what was that called?

tc: oh yea, you mean HeeHaw.

me: yea, HeeHaw. Thanks!

(crickets chirping)

tc: wait. hold up. did you just call HeeHaw "hillbilly" and "redneck"?

me: uh, yea. duh!

tc: HeeHaw was NOT hillbilly! (proceeds to school me from the other room on how HeeHaw was anything BUT hillbilly for the next 10 minutes).

me: LMAO so hard, I literally fell out of the chair...

and I got the stink-eye for the next hour.

not sure if these were as funny to you as they were me. perhaps they were more "you had to have been there" funnies. but it's all i've got and i'm still LOLing about them :)


Tag - Stuff You Didn't Know

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Stuff you didn't know about me and now you do.

1. Do you like blue cheese dressing? Only if it's the only thing available and even then I'll just pretend it's Ranch. Mind over Matter, people.
2. Have you ever smoked cigarettes? Yes.
3. Do you own a gun? I'm a Texan. 'nuff said.
4. What's your favorite drink at Starbucks or other specialty coffee shops? Shaken Iced Green Tea Lemonade, sweetened.
5. What do you think of hot dogs? I just threw up a little in my mouth....that's what I think.
6. Favorite Christmas song? Oh Holy Night
7. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee
8. Can you do push-ups? Sure; I can do anything! At least that's what they told me growing up.
9. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? That big, shiny thing on my left finger.
10. Favorite hobbies? sewing, reading, sleeping what?
11. Do you have ADD? I wish...then maybe I could get the good stuff.
12. What's one trait that you hate about yourself? my predisposition to early graying. thanks, ma!
13. Middle name? Marie. what? you, too?
14. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? 1. it's only 8:40am and I'm on my 4th cup of coffee 2. i have 8 more hrs until the day is done 3. how the fuck am i going to make it another 8 hrs?
15. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? coffee, dt dr pepper, water
16. Current worry right now? too many to list
17. Current dislike(s)right now? way too many to list!
18. Favorite place to be? "Dana's World"....lalalalalalala
19. How did you ring in the New Year? at home with the Captain...and a bottle of wine. or two.
20. Like to travel? like? that's an understatement!
21. Name 3 people that will complete this? uh, prolly no one b/c i'm not forwarding it.
22. Do you own slippers? yep. they're pink and were a gift from my neighbor, A.
23. What color shirt are you wearing? heather grey
24. Could you make it 39 days on Survivor? absolutely. no doubt. they have showers, right?
25. What song do you sing in the shower? New York, New York
26. Favorite girls names? it's a secret
27. Favorite boys names? uh, still a secret...
28. What's in your pocket right now? pocket-less
29. Last thing that made you laugh? discussing my fondness of pineapples
30. Worst injury you've ever had? ah, hell. this is a loaded question. and in order to maintain a shred of dignity...PASS.
31. Do you love where you live? yes! austin is the shizzle!
32. How many t.v's do you have in your house? one
33. Who's your loudest friend? neighbor, A. **smooches**
34. Does someone have a crush on you? hopefully the Captain still does....
35. What's your favorite candy? Oh! Henry bars
36. Favorite sports team? Cubs
37. What were you doing at 12 AM last night? dreaming about...nuh uh, that's private.
39. What's your favorite holiday? my birthday
40. What are your plans for tomorrow? i dunno....that's how i roll - planless on fridays!

a few items from my vision board

Tuesday, March 3, 2009