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mile marker 731

Friday, March 28, 2008

731 days of excitement mixed with 731 days of agony. 731 days playing the game to end up at 731 days of defeat. 731 days of hope to be followed by 731 days of loss. 731 empty days filled with 731 days of faith.

March 28, 2006. It seems like forever ago and just yesterday all in the same. Being infertile is an emotional roller coaster - you slowly work your way up to the top where you'll find out if your hard work has paid off...and then you come crashing down @ 200mph....bam! And somewhere in the middle, you get whiplash b/c life has just thrown you for a loop. Again. and Again. and Again.

There are days when I walk into a room full of mothers with kids running around and in an instant I feel like I've got the Scarlett letters "IF" painted on me; I have never felt more out of place. The loneliness of it all creeps up on you and you become overwhelmed with this sense of awareness that you stand alone.

Infertility has shaken my faith to it's very core. I am angry. I am hurt. I am saddened. I am jealous. I feel broken. I feel like a failure - as a child, as a wife and as a woman. I have "let go and let God" only to fall back into the same pattern of despair. This has consumed me and taken over nearly every part of my life, as it has the Captain's. And yet, I still cling to Hope.

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope implies a certain amount of despair, wanting, wishing, suffering or perseverance — i.e., believing that a better or positive outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary. [1]

Perhaps that is the one thing that keeps the thread from tearing completely b/c Infertility changes you. Forever.

*As gloomy as this post is, I just want you to know that I have a wonderful network of friends who are IF; THANK YOU CGWK!*


Kelly C said...

Hey there, girl. Thanks for letting me take a peek into your brain. I've spent the last week watching 'John & Kate plus 8'. I'll keep you in my thoughts that you may be blessed with 8 as well one day. And yes, I'd babysit for you if you had 8.