Into My Own

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,

So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,

Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,

But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day

Into their vastness I should steal away,

Fearless of ever finding open land,

Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,

Or those should not set forth upon my track

To overtake me, who should miss me here

And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew--

Only more sure of all I thought was true.

-Robert Frost

After A While

After a while you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn

that love doesn't mean leaning

and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn

that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up

and your eyes ahead

with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child

And you learn

to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight

After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure

you really are strong

you really do have worth

and you learn and you learn

with every goodbye, you learn...

-Veronica A Shoffstall

not a lot

this weekend was pretty uneventful. unless you count the cow.boys win over new.orleans. because that was just...epic.  and so very awesome...if not a little bittersweet. 

my trip for february has been booked...i'll give a few more details as the time nears.  now i'm just trying to figure out what to pack. fun times. 

the weather has been awesome the past 2 days, so we've done a lot of outdoorsy things. went to a xmas bazaar and left feeling disappointed.  not at all what i expected and a bit too small for the $12 to get in...and the $5 to park.  lessons learned. 

i have a busy work week ahead...so much to do in only 2.5 days. gah. 

hope y'all have a wonderful holiday, however you choose to celebrate it. 

xoxo

on monday, some of our very best friends welcomed a new baby girl...a little pink to add to their brood (3) of blue. and she is adorable and soft and fuzzy and all baby. i sent the Captain up to see the newest addition on the day of her birth with our gifts, as i was unable to break away. but i did go visit on day 2 of her stunning little life and...

i'm not sure how to explain it. i was concerned about my how i would feel and/or react. because the last thing i wanted to be was snot-sobbing in sadness...and i wasn't. and i didn't want to come off as overjoyed at the birth, lest someone think it fake (entirely possible, i can pull off the fake happy like no other)...and i didn't. i was, for lack of a better word, content.

for the first time in a really fucking long time, i was FINE. i didn't once think about infertility or feel a longing for my own baby. nothing. nada. i just enjoyed being there with my friend and cradling little Miss M for a bit...until she made this yawning face and i just knew she was about to spit up all over me (and friend had to laugh b/c apparently 2 day olds don't really hack up, hehe) and so friend's mother came to the rescue and took the baby.

and in that moment, i took a breath i hadn't realized i'd been holding. perhaps it was because subconsciously, i was just waiting for the breakdown and trying my best to enact a few self-preservation tactics, like you know, not allowing oxygen to flow to the brain. or maybe, just maybe, it was that i realized that, for me, there is life outside of infertility and it doesn't have to encompass every thought, occasion, fear, want or need.

i'm still not ready to jump back on the ttc train again. nope. not even close. and that's okay, too. after putting our lives on hold for the 3 years with the mantra of "we can't because we might be pregnant," i think we're starting to actually live again. and that's good. really good. it is what it is. and for me, IT is not IF right now. and when we're ready to jump back in the game, it will all be for the better. hell, maybe we'll even be a little less bitter and a lot more optimistic. one can hope...

i realize that i'm in a much different place with my personal IF struggle/acceptance/co-existence than many others, some of whom are close to me. but i can't be any different than what i am. and that, too, is okay. it's been mentioned that i've "pulled back" since our decision to stop ttc. and i have. i've never said otherwise. but that, too, is about self-preservation. when you're trying to find yourself, the person you kind of lost while playing the waiting game for so long, it's not conducive to surround yourself with the same things. in order for you to change, things around you have to change. this is not to say that i wish to lose friends or let friends go. it's just that i can't immerse myself in constant sadness of longing and wanting and depression and mourning and needing ALL THE TIME because then, i wouldn't be moving forward. and i have to move forward. i have to or i'll fucking drown myself in self-misery and self-pity. and i can't do that anymore. once in a while, sure. i'm human. but on the constant - no. and so i hope that you can accept what i have to offer and if not, i understand. i truly do. and what i have to offer is my friendship and my shoulder and my ear. the same things that have always been there, just maybe with a different perspective than before.



*check back with me next week and i may feel completely different. but today, i'm pretty fucking comfortable with myself. and that's all i can do...take it one day at a time. see, somethings don't change.

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.

-Albert Schweitzer

meme aka copping out

got this from Jen's blog (i'd link you but she's private. yea, i'm special.)

I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. . .is different depending on the boob.
I’ve come to realize that my job. . .can suck a donkey ball but i need it.
I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. . .i pretend i'm auditioning for American.Idol
I’ve come to realize that I need. . . to be free from a lot of things/people.
I’ve come that realize that I have lost. . . nothing.
I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . . the person i thought you were, isn't you at all.
I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . . i'll wake up with unexplainable bruises.
I’ve come to realize that money. . .does help.
I’ve come to realize that certain people. . .have big britches & a lot of empty room.
I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . . be crass, obnoxious and foul-mouthed.
I’ve come to realize that my sisters. . . are very different from me, and that's ok.
I’ve come to realize that my mom…is human.
I’ve come to realize that my cell phone. . . is an extension of my arm; if i could attach it, I would.
I’ve come to realize that when I wake up in the morning. . . i get another chance.
I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . . i should've done more.
I’ve come to realize that my dad. . . is human, too.
I’ve come to realize that today. . .might be THE day.
I’ve come to realize that tonight. . .i'll be thankful.
I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . . will never come.
I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . . live.
I’ve come to realize that life. . . is full of adventure.
I’ve come to realize that my friends. . . are my family.
I’ve come to realize that this year. . .will count.
I’ve come to realize that my exes. . .are exes for a reason.
I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . . stop planning around 'what if's' and start planning 'what now's'
I’ve come to realize that I love. . . comes in many sizes, shapes and forms.
I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . .a lot.
I’ve come to realize that parties. . .are hit or miss but have a blast anyway.
I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . .of dying before i complete my 'fuck it bucket list'.
I’ve come to realize that my life. . .is the only thing that is truly mine.

drabble

we've decided not to decorate for christmas. i think the captain just doesn't want to deal with it and that's all. not only do i not want to deal with the hassle (and IDGAF what you say, it IS a PITA to decorate), i just generally do not have any desire to celebrate xmas.

i've never been big on the holidays, save for my birthday. i wonder if it's a symptom of growing up with divorced parents and being tossed from one house to the next (so unique, i know)? or maybe i've grown tired of the demands that are unspoken but i know are there...like whose house we go to for xmas dinner? because we all know that where you choose to spend xmas dinner is essentially the same thing as saying "we like/love them more." and let's not forget that it all HAS to be on the 25th, g-d forbid you even consider making plans for the 24th or the 26th. and try not to mention that you have like 503829040 houses to go to because your parents couldn't make it work and can't be in the same room together without a screening of Apocalypse Now playing out. and then there's the in-law's. but i digress...whatever.

if i had it my way we'd be vacationing for xmas, every year. but the captain doesn't like the idea of being away from his family. go fucking figure.

on being thankful

ah...things to be thankful for...a little late, i know.

i'm thankful for:

my husband - he puts up with all of my shit and even though there are days where my mind swirls with doubt, he is my constant in the darkness.

my friends - without them, i don't know where i'd be. i have several friends from very different circles and each of them plays a huge role in my life. and to my bestie, i don't know what the fuck i'd do without you. seriously. you are a lifeline.

my family - we kick, scream and fight. but you'll always be there, this i know.

my legs - for not giving up on me as i try to become a runner. don't get any ideas, jogging is working just fine right now.

my lungs - see above. even though i torture you.

my liver - for allowing me to enjoy life, even though i put you thru hell.

music - has saved me in ways that i can't even describe.

and for the first time, in a long time, i am thankful that i have accepted that maybe it just wasn't our time. yet...maybe...next year...or ten down the road...or not. i am okay with it.

xoxo

"We can always find something to be thankful for, and there may be reasons why we ought to be thankful for even those dispensations which appear dark and frowning." - Albert Barnes

Just a mobile test. Let's see if this works.

I really need to talk with you

I keep stepping on the vein

That keeps my lifeline flowing thru

I wanna be your perfect stick of glue

But I don’t feel perfect at all

Sad and insecure flaw

I find it hard to hold conversation

I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away

It's not you its strictly me in this situation

I’m wondering will it ever go away…just go away

sometimes I feel like weeping

awake and when I’m sleeping

perfecting how to put a game face on

this puzzle I’ve been keeping

has been in hiding creeping out the closet door

spilling out onto the floor

How long will I be picking up pieces

How long will I be picking up my heart

I’ll be as honest as I feel

I’m getting more paranoid and I’m hearing things

And they never turn out real

It feels like my heart is made of pure steel

It’s just so heavy all the time

Yea I’m scared of death

And I’m scared of living

I gave up on the past cause it’s unforgiving

I misplaced my trust

I watched my word begin to rust

I’m a balloon about to bust

I need a place for reliving

But sometimes I feel like weeping

awake and when I’m sleeping

perfecting how to put a game face on

this puzzle I’ve been keeping

has been in hiding creeping out the closet door

spilling out onto the floor

How long will I be picking up pieces

How long will I be picking up my heart

How long (in another space and time)

Will I be picking up pieces in the corner of my mind

How long (its getting oh so hard to find)

Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind

But I still walk on

Blue October, Picking Up Pieces

*i hate blogger and its lack of formatting skills. fuckers.

a friend is pregnant with their 4th and due in a few weeks. the neighbor's just announced they're having twins. another friend is due in the spring with their 2nd.

these are happy times and should be beacons of hope for the future. read on...

three friends have suffered losses within the last few weeks. for one, this was her 5th. the second, this was her first. and the third lost their twins.

and it is those stories that break my heart and prevent me from even thinking about ttc again. like, i can't even being to consider the thought of trying to get pregnant, much less actually becoming pregnant.

and that's kind of a big deal...with big consequences.

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated

I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that

I am Vindicated

I am selfish

I am wrong

I am right

I swear I'm right

I swear I knew it all along

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away

I am Vindicated

I am selfish

I am wrong

I am right

I swear I'm right

I swear I knew it all along

Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

Dashboard Confessional, Vindicated

Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead.

-Joss Whedon

a little vacay

just got back from a quick weekend trip to Portland to visit a friend. had a blast. will post pics soon...absolutely beautiful.

it seems there's so much going on in my life these days, even though it feels like there's not much to tell you.

the house is coming along. finally bought some rugs. need more. but i'm too cheap to worry about it now. we seem to have a raccoon problem...was woken up at 1:30am one night last week to a barking dog. only one dog...which means there's a problem. woke up the Captain and he went to investigate (in his undies. oh, so hot)...the barkless dog had caught a raccoon. it was...interesting. think 2 men + 2 dogs + 1 raccoon @ 1:30am = Beverly Hillbillies, Austin-style. Fun times.

work is work. busy as ever, so i shouldn't complain. but i do. don't we all?

gearing up for the holidays. have i ever told you how much i despise the holiday's? yea. they're not for me. but whatevs. they happen every year. and every year i smack a smile on my face. because that's what i do.

the gym is going well...still hittin' it hard, which is saying a lot.

going to see new.moon. this friday with bestie and i cannot wait. i'm not ashamed about my addiction to the series. so excited.

am also going to a few concerts in december. bobby.long and joe purdy and one other that shall remain a secret until it's passed...'cos i'm shady like that.

i think that's all for now. i know, you just can't get enough.

xoxo

7 yrs...Happy Anniversary, babe.

You are the flame in my heart
You light my way in the dark
You are the ultimate star

You pick me up from above
Your unconditional love
Takes me to paradise

I belong to you
And you
You belong to me too

You make my life complete
You make me feel so sweet

You make me feel so divine
Your soul and mine are entwined
Before you I was blind

But since I've opened my eyes
And with you there's no disguise
So I could open up my mind

I always loved you from the start
But I could not figure out
That I had to do it everyday

So I put away the fright
Now I'm gonna live my life
Giving you the most in every way

I belong to you
And you
You belong to me too

You make my life complete
You make me feel so sweet

Oh I belong to youI belong to you
And you, you
You belong to me too

You make my life complete
You make me feel so sweet

Oh I belong to you
I belong to you
And you, you
You belong to me too

You make my life complete
You make my life complete
You make me feel so sweet

Oh I belong to you
I belong to you
And you, and you
You belong to me too

You make my life complete
You make my life complete
You make me feel so sweet

-Lenny Kravitz

A friend recently said "The worst kind of shock is shattering your own illusions." 

So fucking true. 

respecting your unspoken request,
giving you space.
when you're ready,
if you ever are,
i'll be here.
any way you need me.

<3

Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?

-Leo Buscaglia

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.

-Jim Morrison

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.

-Anais Nin

Every Woman...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a youth she’s content to leave behind….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to
retelling it in her old age….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
a feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to fall in love without losing herself.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that she can’t change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust,
whom she can’t,
and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
where to go…
be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…
or a charming inn in the woods…
when her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…
a month…and a year…

--Pamela Redmond Satran

it's been months since i've looked at infertility blogs. but i decided to lurke again and see if anyone had made any successful progress in department of baby making. i visited a blog where i often lurked in the past and these literally made me pee my pants (courtesy of Mo and Will). Laugh! (no seriously, it's ok...i did. a lot.)

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.

- Henry Ellis

ACL Rundown

I don't have a lot of time but wanted to give a brief synopsis of ACL (below & c/p from an earlier e-mail). Three days of music, booze, mud, booze and more mud. Yea. Lots of rain. And did I mention mud? Spent some after hours time here and here. Did some prep work here with $1 mimosas. Injured my toe...avoided toe amputation and most certain death...and still had the best weekend ever.

Impressed: Avett Bros*, Phoenix, Andrew Bird, Dr Dog, Thievery Corporation, Ghostland Observatory - would probably never buy their album but they put on an awesome show. Citizen Cope, Bon Iver, Bell X1, Airborne Toxic Event, Arctic Monkeys, Cotton Jones*, Pearl Jam, The Dead Weather - Jack White's new band...I'm not a fan of the White Stripes but they weren't that bad. Brett Dennen, State Radio *- the lead singer is from Dispatch, whom I love! Matt Morris, Michael Franti & Spearhead - fun for a night out, lots of energy & covers. Raul Malo*, Jesse Woods *- reminds me of Dylan

Disappointed: KoL - still very bitter about this- acoustics were AWFUL. I'll be looking for them on tour tho b/c their new album has pwn'd me for the last year; I've yet to tire of it. Really bummed b/c 5 min after we left the show, Eddie Vedder came out and jammed with them. Will be my FML moment for a LONG TIME. Argh! DMB - was not impressed as a first time concert goer. He didn't play for the entire allotted time and didn't do any of the 'good' stuff; very disappointing. Flogging Molly - I like some of their stuff but everything sounds the same. Meh. The Decemberists - again, really bitter...they played almost all tracks of their latest album, which I'm not a fan of. But I had to laugh...one of the dudes was wearing a black sequined DRESS. *died* and The Greencards

*New bands for me that I'll continue to listen to.

I'll update my playlist later with some new music to reflect my experience at ACL.

cheerio!

uberexcited. pumped. happy. ecstatic. thrilled. amped. i could go on and on and on....

the countdown has officially begun for ACL 2009. and i am stoked beyond words. bestie and i will be attending the event together...plenty of memories to be had, of this i am certain. my playlist (below) is of a few bands that i'll be seeing fri, sat and sun. enjoy!


Without music life would be a mistake. -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Do you ever get worried
And your load is hard to bear
And your life is like a sad sad story
No one nobody really cares

But if you ever need someone to talk to
And if you ever need a helping hand
I'll be your ship out on the ocean
I'll be your water in the desert sand

I've been there I've felt like you do
Feelin' like winter would never turn to spring
And everybody I know has got problems
But there's a solution to everything

And if you ever need someone to talk to
And if you ever need a helping hand
I'll be your ship out on the ocean
I'll be your water in the desert sand

And after you've found your way
You won't owe me nothin'
'Cause you're gonna know that your well
Will never run dry, never run dry

If you ever need someone to talk to
And if you ever need a helping hand
I'll be your ship out, your ship out on the ocean
I'll be your water in the desert sand
I'll be your water
And I will give you shelter
I'll be your water
I will be there for you
I'll be your ship out on the ocean
I'll be your water in the desert sand

Keb' Mo', I'll Be Your Water

In the hopes of reaching the moon men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet.

-Albert Schweitzer

que seria de mi

You wander down my body
And I submerge myself to the anxiety of your smile.
I search through the most precious things
And your caress appears
Suddenly, I look to the enlightened horizon
And I wonder
If tomorrow, in this room
Will we fuse again
This much insanity

What would be of me
If you were missing
What would be of me if I didn’t find another love
That awakened the desires of feeling
Abandoned in pleasure.

What would be of me
If you were not here
What would be of me
If this passion ran out
That shakes with the strength of a thousand seas
Angered by the sea
What would be of me… ay, of me.

You return,
Uneasy and solitary
Like you are sometimes
You return, the hope of having you
In my arms for ever
I look again
To the enlightened horizon
And I wonder if tomorrow you’ll return

If you decide not to forget
This adventure…
If you weren’t here… were would I be?
Allow myself to be shaken with the strength of a thousand seas…

By you.

Lena, Que Seria de Mi

Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light.

Norman B. Rice

chicago

back from an awesome trip to Chicago. my travel buddy, kelly, has an awesome friend will, who put us up for a couple of nights & entertained us. took in a couple of Cubs games...one from the rooftop and the other on the 3rd base line, 6 rows up...with a fantabulous view of the bullpen. one word = berg. hung out here for a bit after the game on friday. then spent a couple of hours at germanfest. after saturday's game, we took kelly's parental units here in celebration of her dad's b-day. then we regrouped & lounged here for a couple of drinks & laughs. and of course, it wouldn't be a trip to Chi-town without a trip here.

all in all, a great trip & one that shall be repeated annually.

i'll leave you with a quote to sum up our weekend:

We're Chicago - we can do anything, damn it. -Elva Rupio

All of us get lost in the darkness, dreamers learn to steer by the stars.

Rush, The Pass

What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Here in your mind you have complete privacy. Here there's no difference between what is and what could be.

Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny.

Elaine Maxwell

'Cause when you are dreaming you see for miles and miles 

Tom Waits, Midnight Lullaby

To look backward for a while is to refresh the eye, to restore it, and to render it the more fit for its prime function of looking forward.

Margaret Fairless Barber, The Roadmender

had a good weekend. still moving. FML. have decided to start saving like now for our next move....in 10 yrs. i shall hire movers.

hung out with some friends here friday night....best mexican martinis. EVER. then we went here for some not so good margaritas. <--this place...you have to climb about 30 stairs to get to it....we saw several people fall. and i tripped going up, of course.

and that's about it. i swear, i am so boring these days. srsly. who knew that TTC provided so much more bloggable crap?

ooh! this band is playing here on sept 29, i'mma try to drag emily since kelly won't go a 2nd time. and this band will be here on oct 8...and ACL is smooshed in btwn! these are the reasons i love the ATX.

You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.

Mary Pickford

so, we're officially moving into our new house. i love it. but moving sucks. and there's not much more i can say about that.

training is going good. hitting the gym 6x a week. trainer is kicking my ass but i suppose that's his job.

lil bro is still with us. mom wants him back next week tho. summer has flown by and it's time for him to get ready for the 8th grade (scary).

work is work.

the next few months are going to be exciting. at the end of aug, kelly will be moving back from seattle and staying with us for a bit. then, in early sept. another friend, emily, will be moving from georgia and staying with us while her fiance finishes up army basic training. poor captain...all the estrogen! lmao! in sept, kelly and i will be heading north to chi-town to check out some Cubs games! woot woot!! cannot wait!

and that's all for now! carry on...

It is the possibility that keeps me going … and though you may call me a dreamer or a fool or any other thing, I believe that anything is possible.

Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon--instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.

Dale Carnegie

On Sunday I turned the big 3.0! I can't believe it and I can't wait to rock out in my 30's.

*

The other day a man asked me what I thought was the best time of life. "Why," I answered without a thought, "now."

David Grayson

Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees. 

Victor Hugo

No man understands a deep book until he has seen and lived at least part of its contents.

Ezra Pound

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

Robert McCloskey

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the day, saying I will try again tomorrow.

Mary Anne Radmacher

shared thoughts on the above from a dear friend: You try your hardest, you give it your all—and sometimes it won’t be enough and you’ll fail, but you’ll know that you tried, and you’ll be ready to try again. Being brave isn’t about not being afraid—it’s about facing your fears, embracing them and growing out of them.

So true.

Perhaps when you’re alone, at night, in your place
You will hear that someone calls you without you knowing who they are
And so you will learn, that there are things like the wind
That really exist, but you can’t see

And it is also possible that one haste filled afternoon
Like a flower blooms, you’ll feel an urge
And so you will learn that there are things like the river
That are always leaving, but they never leave

Or crossing the street, your laughing heart
Will remember a heartache you didn’t have yesterday
And so you will learn that there are things like dreams
Things that have never been, but that could

Even if you prefer to ignore these things
You will know why you sigh while listening to a song
And so you will learn that there are things like roses
Things that are beautiful, without knowing that they are

And during any afternoon, you’ll feel as though you have left
And an ashy breeze will be spread in your garden
And so you will learn that time and forgetting
Are the things that never end.

José Angel Buesa, Poema de las Cosas

I'm on the corner waiting for a light to come on
That's when I know that you're alone
It's cold in the desert, water never sees the ground
Special unspoken without sound

Told me you love me, that I'd never die alone
Hand over your heart, let's go home
Everyone noticed, everyone has seen the signs
I've always been known to cross lines

I never ever cried when I was feeling down
I've always been scared of the sound
Jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load
I'm too young to feel this old

Here's to you, here's to me
On to us, nobody knows
Nobody sees, nobody but me

Kings of Leon, Cold Desert

all of the sudden, out of no where it hit me like a ton of bricks today.  i haven't thought about infertility too deeply in several months.  

but i was sitting here watching a TOILET PAPER commercial of all things, and a little boy running thru the hall. and BAM. there it is....flood gates opened.  tbh, i'm seriously annoyed more than anything else.  i know that until we either do get pregnant and have a baby or until we decide what our familial future holds, i'll never be 'over' infertility...or at least have 'moved on'.  but shit. i was not expecting to just have a fucking breakdown unexpectedly.  and only one word comes to mind right now.  

FAILURE.

Madness need not be all breakdown. It may also be break-through. It is potential liberation and renewal as well as enslavement and existential death.

R.D. Laing

well, i started going to the gym. even got myself a trainer. i had my first official workout session with him yesterday. i woke up today feeling hungover. every fucking muscle hurts. ALL OF THEM. what the hell am i thinking? sigh.

i have another session tomorrow and i am already wondering WTF he could have in store b/c i dunno that my jello legs will be able to fully support me. i mean, i have issues with clumbsiness to being with...but this has got me all outta balance. 

i have to go buy some of these tomorrow. and all i'mma say about them is that they cause me a great deal of pain.  but the trainer says they're necessary. and since he's in the know, i shall follow his orders. 

have some new music recs for you lovelies.  am thoroughly enjoying these artists....and a shout out to Lucy for passing them along!  i've added a song from each to my playlist below. also, be warned...i have put a few of my fav MJ songs on this week's playlist as well. 

Xavier Rudd

Joe Purdy

AA Bondy

the house is coming along. we're supposed to close on july 30. things have been going pretty smoothly w/ everything. i've been expecting the ball to drop at some point, but so far - we've been good to go. 

hope you're all doing well and enjoy this holiday weekend.  Happy 4th of July & God Bless America! 

cheerio!

 

thoughts on waiting

i beg you… to have patience with everything unresolved
in your heart and try to love the questions themselves
as if they were locked rooms or books written
in a very foreign language. don’t search for
the answers, which could not be given to you
now, because you would not be able
to live them. And the point is, to live
everything. live the questions now.
perhaps then, some day far in the
future, you will gradually,
without even noticing it, live
your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903; in Letters to a Young Poet

*provided by miss kc...i love and miss you. now go update your damn blog and let the world know who you are! ;)*

Proverbs often contradict one another, as any reader soon discovers. The sagacity that advises us to look before we leap promptly warns us that if we hesitate we are lost; that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but out of sight, out of mind.

Leo Rosten

for you

Regardless of how high we fly, all of us must sooner or later handle the tough times that life inevitably tosses our way. But that's not all bad. Contrary to popular belief, character is not built when tough times occur; it is revealed.

So even at those times when your most precious of dreams have been blown apart or smashed to smithereens, you can immediately pick up your spirits by picking up the pieces right then and there. Not whenever you feel like it or get around to it, but right that very moment. By picking up the pieces and moving forward, learning from your past experiences and mistakes, you can quickly build on these life lessons and forge the life you have longed to live.

Best of all, you will put the all the pieces together and ultimately uncover your unique place in the sun.

Anne Frank

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

home again

well, we made it back from the big V. had a fantabulous time. really, we did. and we actually did pretty well. had a few big wins. and relaxed. heading back in Nov for a girls' only trip and i cannot wait.

trying to get back in the swing of things. have a ton of laundry to catch up on. and need to clean out my fridge. it'll have to wait. le sigh.

not a whole lot going on, tbh. heading to the Blanco Lavender Festival on Friday. should be fun; hot but fun. we'll see.

gearing up for my little brother's annual summer visit. haha. i can't wait.

so, yea. we're buying a house. i'm a nervous wreck over it. it's coming along. the brick is up. so that's cool. still fucking scared shitless. but a las, this is the next move in life, no? at least that's what i keep telling myself.

hope all you silent peeps are doing well. i know you're there. you just don't comment. but i can see you....hehe...little stars from around the globe (map). lol! sorry i don't give you much to read these days. my life seems to have slowed to musings and reflections instead of the more personal shit that TTC brought on. so, sorry if you're bored or if i disappoint.

cheerio!

wanna laugh?

we take off for Vegas tomorrow but i wanted to leave you with this:


It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

Alan Cohen

We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Very often we are our own worst enemy as we foolishly build stumbling blocks on the path that leads to success and happiness.

Louis Binstock

things are getting crazay!

yea, yea. i know i've turned into a quote poster but really, sometimes it's easier to let the words of others describe my mood. kwim?


today tho, you get some substance. lol.


booked our trip for Vegas. countdown: 14 days. cannot wait. a little bummed that the dude i had wanted to do my tat won't be in town while we're there, so i'm postponing the ink until my next trip out there - a girls trip in November.


we're finally considering buying a house. i'm excited and extremely nervous about the whole thing. it seems so...final. i mean, i know it's not but i dunno...me and my commitment issues. sigh. haha! i'll keep y'all posted.

oh! hi-ho, hi-ho. guess who's the mama of a new mac.book.pro? i love it and i wanna have macbabies. ;)

peace out!

The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become.

W.E.B. Du Bois

The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself. 

Laozi

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.

Lao Tzu

hola, peeps

so, not a lot going on. i know, i know...shocking!

mother's day was a ball of fun. not. it has to be the most dreaded holiday for me. and i wish i could just curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. but alas, i can't. and so i don't. and it's not really that i'm still drowning in my own misery related to IF b/c i'm not. but mother's day is a reminder...and let's be real, do we IF'ers need reminders? i mean, it's there. it's in the back of my head...i can think about it whenever i want to. sigh.

moving on...

i *think* i finally 'found' the tattoo that i want to get. i'll be sure to post a pic once i have it done.

the captain's b-day is next month and i'm not sure what to get him. he'll be 35...old. hehe. i'm taking suggestions for a gift. shoot me your thoughts.

it's already summer her in the ATX. hazy days are ahead....blech!

looking forward to going to roller derby on sunday with some friends; should be totes fun!

the captain is going on his annual boys' trip this weekend. what's a girl to do with 3 days to herself? bwahahahahaha actually, i think i might sign up for a sewing class and get a little project i've been working on out of the way.

and that's it. see...nada...zilch...i got nuttin'! but mebbe that's not such a bad thing?