Fish for Lent (wordy wednesday)

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to become a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

all aboard? eh, not so much.

Ok, I need to confess something. I'm a reader. I LOVE to read. And I'm not one those people who doesn't finish books or just leaves them around to linger until I feel ready to pick it back up again. Once I start, I'll finish. I take that back a little bit - I'll give you 3 chapters, if after the 3rd chpt I'm still not into it, I don't waste my time.

Back in October, I started reading this book. I was SO excited. I had read so much about it, saw the author on O.prah and my friends raved over the book and what it did for them. Needless to say, I couldn't wait to get on the EPL train. I was waiting for a big boom...a revelation...something, anything.

And I'm thinking that my expectations and hopes were a little too high. Because I feel so disappointed and let down.

I haven't finished it yet; I'm about 3/4 of the way through. And I feel like I'm forcing myself to finish it. Like, maybe the epiphany happens once the book is completely read? Or maybe I'm just not down enough in the wallows of misery to fully appreciate the message? I'm kinda feeling like a dumbass about this....I mean, wth am I missing? I'm not going to not finish it; I will finish reading it this weekend - albeit forcibly but I'm tired of staring at it on my nightstand in wonderment and confusion, all the same.

And so that's my confession. Nothing earth-shattering or ball breaking. Just a little ramble and an admittance that I think I missed the train with this one.

friday funnies

My best friend sent me this, thinking of yours truly. I've still not decided whether to be flattered or embarrassed....either way, I don't give a flying fruit-cake. This is hilarious, unfortunately true and classically (about) me.

wordy wednesday

Alice came to a fork in the road.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

untitled

*Note: rated M for foul language.

Ick. Returning to work after 4 days off just plain sucks. There's no other way around it. The only good thing is that this will be a 3 day week...b/c I don't work on Friday's. (you can quit rolling your eyes and shooting daggers at me!)

Had a good weekend with my brother, j. He's at the age where everything is animated and dramatized. It's actually quite funny. What's even funnier is watching the Captain (34yrs) and my brother fight. Seriously. My husband thinks it's ok to argue like a l'il kid with a 13 yro...and I guess I do too. Because for a few days, I felt like I was 13 again. No worries, not a care in the world.

Until last night.

I was coming back from taking care of my neighbors' dogs (2 houses down) and ran into my other neighbor (next door/house in between). BMW (as we affectionately call him) is an older man, probably in his early 50's...maybe...he's also an Episco.pal priest. Nice guy. Anyway, we start talking and somehow get on the topic of religion. I remind him that I'm Cathol.ic (thru the course of our convo) and we start discussing how it's difficult sometimes to not only agree with everything that your church holds a position on but to practice it as well. I casually throw in the fact that the Captain and I are infertile (I'm thinking, no big deal. Right? I mean, shit, after almost 3 yrs, you'd think I wouldn't have a problem openly discussing IF). And I was then reminded as to why I don't just drop the infertility bomb w/o pre-screening my unsuspecting prey. Because during the next 5 minutes I hear:

1. Now that you've stopped trying, you'll get pregnant. I know so many people....blah, blah, blah (the hell? funny b/c I know ONE person that's happened to but whateva...)
2. Have you tried medication/treatments (are you f'ing kidding me? I just told you it's been almost 3 years, dumbass! WTF do you think?)
3. It'll happen when it's meant to happen; just relax. (wow, thanks for sharing your brilliance with me; that thought has never crossed my mind.)
4. How old are you? 29. Oh, you have plenty of time! Don't even worry about this now. You're young....you know, people are having babies into their 40's?! Just don't go off and have 8! Hahahahahaha!!! (yea, fucking ha. Ha.Ha. Motherf....)

At this point, all I can muster is a "thanks for your prayers. have a good night." Really, I thought I was past this shit of feeling like a failure month after month. I thought I had tucked it away until we were ready to try again. But no. That bastard reared it's ugly head last night and gave me one last final slap in the face.

And so I say, fuck you infertility. Fuck you and all the bullshit you bring. This will not happen again. I will not let you rain on my fucking parade and ruin me forever. I am resolving to move forward, knowing infertility is simply a part of who I am; not what defines me. And just like I can't change the color of my eyes (and really, why would I want to change my green beauties?), I can't let IF eat me up inside anymore. It is what it is.

And I will carry on.

sorry!

i apologize to my legion of readers....i'm still here. baby bro has been with us for the long weekend (4 days) and i'm out having a blast, actin' like a 13 year old.

reality will set back in tomorrow and i'll be back.

until then, go have some fun and act like you're 13 again!

peace.

wordy wednesday

The scenes of our life resemble pictures in rough mosaic; they are ineffective from close up, and have to be viewed from a distance if they are to seem beautiful. That is why, though we live our lives in expectation of better things, we often at the same time long for what is past. The present, on the other hand, is regarded as something quite temporary and serving only as the road to our goal for the future, a fluid and unwritten scope. That is why most men discover when they look back on their life that they have the whole time been living ad interim, and are surprised to see that which they let go by so unworthy and unenjoyed was precisely that in expectation of which they lived for their entire life.

– Arthur Schopenhauer

seriously? seriously.

as if it weren't enough that the techno-gods felt the need to crash both my pc and my i.pod, they took it to a new level thursday and truely became traitors.

i was driving home, in rush hour traffic, windows down and singing/screaming (?) along to some jason mraz (love u, j!) minding my own effin' business when all of the sudden, my brakes were needed. and fast. so, i slammed them. hard. and then i heard it.

bloop.

and i knew it was over. i knew it was gone. and i stared in shock. total disbelief.

my black.berry had slid off the center console, down into my drink. and i just sat there and stared. SERIOUSLY?! did that seriously just happen?

i honestly think i was having a panic attack. my life was drowning before my eyes!

and i must have looked like a freakin' maniac b/c all of the sudden my female instincts to protect everything you hold dear kicked in and i grabbed my l'il baby out of a sea of diet dr pepper and i started to peel her apart. and once i had the battery, sim card and media card out, i just started waving my bb profusely, arm hanging out the window trying with all my might so save her.

when i got home, i immediately went online to look for a remedy. i found that someone posted if you stick it in rice, the rice will absorb the moisture and it might be brought back to life. so, my baby spent 72 hrs in a pool of uncle.ben's. i eagerly pulled her out yesterday and replaced her battery and charged her up, waiting to exhale in glee.

nothing. nada. NOTHING. she was dead. gone.

i did the only thing i could do. i called and ordered her replacement. so, now I'm awaiting my new arrival.

i can already feel the deep bond we're going to have and i cannot wait. please hurry, my l'il crackberry. i need you.

wordy wednesday

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark. In the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but never have been able to reach. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.

Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

realization(s)

Back in November, I wrote this post. Two months later, I wrote this post.

I can tell you that since we had the talk, things have been unbelievably fantastic in our relationship. Don't get me wrong, we were fine before & we have a solid marriage. But now our relationship is different. I don't know how to describe it but I'm feeling very carefree these days. I feel like I've awoken from a dead sleep and have seen the world thru new eyes. I've stated before that somewhere along the way (TTC), I started losing myself.

But now I'm back. And it freakin' rocks! I realized that I was making my comeback *waves to crowd* on Thursday. I came home from work and I was positively giddy & beside myself. I couldn't stop laughing and smiling and dancing (& I can't dance). How sweet it was. How sweet it is...

I have been doing a lot of reading, searching & enjoying new music, more sewing & planning....er...daydreaming about our immediate (2yrs) future. I have even started a Vision Board for us (eventually, the Captain came around the the idea. He is not a big fan of Miss O and well, that's an entirely different story. But now he gets it and he likes it - just as I knew he would!). We've been together for 11 yrs but it's still interesting to see the things that he has on his side of the VB - none of it shocking but just "hmmm, really?" These are the things that we've been missing out on since TTC b/c we had put everything on hold using the rationale/excuse "what if we're pregnant?" and it was just an endless cycle of the same, over and over and over.

I'll probably be posting a few things on the blog from my side of the VB....admittedly, it's getting kind of crazy but that's just how I roll.

***

The only blog-worthy news I have is that my effin' ipod finally crashed and burned, I think. It won't turn on (I've charged it up but no dice) and I am pissed. Really, really not happy about this. A few months ago, my computer started acting up - moving slow and not allowing me to access folders. I'd put it on the back burner to take care of b/c of the Captains surgery and I've just been using his computer. ALL my music is on MY computer. ALL of it. I copied all my i.Tunes stuff into folders and even back-doored (shhhhh) a way to pull music from my pod & store it on my computer (about 2yrs ago, my PC crashed & I lost everything, so I had all my old stuff on my pod). But now, my computer and my iPod are done for, I think. I'm going to take in my CPU and see if the techies can do something. How sad is it that I don't give a damn about anything on that computer other than my music? 4000+ songs. Fuck.

ETA: My new mp3 player has been ordered and is on it's way....hells yea!

ETA: I have a post that I want to make private. And I don't want the entire blog to be private, just a particular post. Suggestions?