Ick. Returning to work after 4 days off just plain sucks. There's no other way around it. The only good thing is that this will be a 3 day week...b/c I don't work on Friday's. (you can quit rolling your eyes and shooting daggers at me!)
Had a good weekend with my brother, j. He's at the age where everything is animated and dramatized. It's actually quite funny. What's even funnier is watching the Captain (34yrs) and my brother fight. Seriously. My husband thinks it's ok to argue like a l'il kid with a 13 yro...and I guess I do too. Because for a few days, I felt like I was 13 again. No worries, not a care in the world.
Until last night.
I was coming back from taking care of my neighbors' dogs (2 houses down) and ran into my other neighbor (next door/house in between). BMW (as we affectionately call him) is an older man, probably in his early 50's...maybe...he's also an Episco.pal priest. Nice guy. Anyway, we start talking and somehow get on the topic of religion. I remind him that I'm Cathol.ic (thru the course of our convo) and we start discussing how it's difficult sometimes to not only agree with everything that your church holds a position on but to practice it as well. I casually throw in the fact that the Captain and I are infertile (I'm thinking, no big deal. Right? I mean, shit, after almost 3 yrs, you'd think I wouldn't have a problem openly discussing IF). And I was then reminded as to why I don't just drop the infertility bomb w/o pre-screening my unsuspecting prey. Because during the next 5 minutes I hear:
- Now that you've stopped trying, you'll get pregnant. I know so many people....blah, blah, blah (the hell? funny b/c I know ONE person that's happened to but whateva...)
- Have you tried medication/treatments (are you f'ing kidding me? I just told you it's been almost 3 years, dumbass! WTF do you think?)
- It'll happen when it's meant to happen; just relax. (wow, thanks for sharing your brilliance with me; that thought has never crossed my mind.)
- How old are you? 29. Oh, you have plenty of time! Don't even worry about this now. You're young....you know, people are having babies into their 40's?! Just don't go off and have 8! Hahahahahaha!!! (yea, fucking ha. Ha.Ha. Motherf....)
At this point, all I can muster is a "thanks for your prayers. have a good night." Really, I thought I was past this shit of feeling like a failure month after month. I thought I had tucked it away until we were ready to try again. But no. That bastard reared it's ugly head last night and gave me one last final slap in the face.
And so I say, fuck you infertility. Fuck you and all the bullshit you bring. This will not happen again. I will not let you rain on my fucking parade and ruin me forever. I am resolving to move forward, knowing infertility is simply a part of who I am; not what defines me. And just like I can't change the color of my eyes (and really, why would I want to change my green beauties?), I can't let IF eat me up inside anymore. It is what it is.
And I will carry on.
