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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

*Note: rated M for foul language.

Ick. Returning to work after 4 days off just plain sucks. There's no other way around it. The only good thing is that this will be a 3 day week...b/c I don't work on Friday's. (you can quit rolling your eyes and shooting daggers at me!)

Had a good weekend with my brother, j. He's at the age where everything is animated and dramatized. It's actually quite funny. What's even funnier is watching the Captain (34yrs) and my brother fight. Seriously. My husband thinks it's ok to argue like a l'il kid with a 13 yro...and I guess I do too. Because for a few days, I felt like I was 13 again. No worries, not a care in the world.

Until last night.

I was coming back from taking care of my neighbors' dogs (2 houses down) and ran into my other neighbor (next door/house in between). BMW (as we affectionately call him) is an older man, probably in his early 50's...maybe...he's also an Episco.pal priest. Nice guy. Anyway, we start talking and somehow get on the topic of religion. I remind him that I'm Cathol.ic (thru the course of our convo) and we start discussing how it's difficult sometimes to not only agree with everything that your church holds a position on but to practice it as well. I casually throw in the fact that the Captain and I are infertile (I'm thinking, no big deal. Right? I mean, shit, after almost 3 yrs, you'd think I wouldn't have a problem openly discussing IF). And I was then reminded as to why I don't just drop the infertility bomb w/o pre-screening my unsuspecting prey. Because during the next 5 minutes I hear:

  1. Now that you've stopped trying, you'll get pregnant. I know so many people....blah, blah, blah (the hell? funny b/c I know ONE person that's happened to but whateva...)
  2. Have you tried medication/treatments (are you f'ing kidding me? I just told you it's been almost 3 years, dumbass! WTF do you think?)
  3. It'll happen when it's meant to happen; just relax. (wow, thanks for sharing your brilliance with me; that thought has never crossed my mind.)
  4. How old are you? 29. Oh, you have plenty of time! Don't even worry about this now. You're know, people are having babies into their 40's?! Just don't go off and have 8! Hahahahahaha!!! (yea, fucking ha. Ha.Ha. Motherf....)

At this point, all I can muster is a "thanks for your prayers. have a good night." Really, I thought I was past this shit of feeling like a failure month after month. I thought I had tucked it away until we were ready to try again. But no. That bastard reared it's ugly head last night and gave me one last final slap in the face.

And so I say, fuck you infertility. Fuck you and all the bullshit you bring. This will not happen again. I will not let you rain on my fucking parade and ruin me forever. I am resolving to move forward, knowing infertility is simply a part of who I am; not what defines me. And just like I can't change the color of my eyes (and really, why would I want to change my green beauties?), I can't let IF eat me up inside anymore. It is what it is.

And I will carry on.


Jen J said...


I HATE that when people try to be helpful like that, when in fact they're just NOT!!!! And people wonder why Infertiles don't seek more spiritual guidance from their priests/pastors/ministers!!!! UGH!!!

About the only thing that he missed telling you was "just adopt and you'll get pregnant! It happens ALL THE TIME!!!" (Um, apparently 5% of documented cases is "all the time" but thanks dumb ass!) --- Sorry! Can you tell what my hot button comment is????


I'm soooo frustrated for you now!

Joelle said...

I'm so sorry...i had a cab driver do pretty much the same thing to me 2 weeks ago. Started "tsking" me when I said I was married for 6 years and didn't have kids yet. Said that my parents are probably disappointed that they dont' have grand kids yet. He was a nice old man, so i just acted like he was talking about Italy or something :) Who do people think they are?!

Also, don't be so hard on yourself with feeling bad again. Even though you're moving on, it's still a loss in a sense, and it will take time. It's ok to feel like crap every once in a while. And you sound like you're doing great, so give yourself some room to mourn too.