a prayer

Your Cross

The everlasting God has in His wisdom foreseen from eternity the cross that He now presents to you as a gift from His inmost heart. This cross He now sends you He has considered with His all-knowing eyes, understood withHis divine mind, tested with His wise justice, warmed with loving arms and weighed with His own hands to see that it be not one inch too large and not one ounce too heavy for you. He has blessed it with His holy Name, anointed it with His consolation, taken one last glance at you and your courage, and then sent it to you from heaven, a special greeting from God to you, an alms of the all-merciful love of God.

-St. Francis de Sales

i read this on All You Who Hope's blog and it moved me to tears. i plan on printing it out and carrying it with me; i imagine it will do wonders for me in my "down times".

no tongs?

well, yesterday was my appointment. after being felt-up and fondled....er....examined for my annual, all is well. dr c is pleased with my last 2 cycles (55days & then 27 days) and would like me to stay on the clomid (in addition to the met). he likes that i'm charting and doing the opk's - we agreed this will be helpful in january if we run into any problems (haha). i should get the blood work results back tomorrow & my curiosity is peaking.

totally random thought from my appt: i placed my feet in the stirrups and braced my self for the invasion of the only-a-man-could've-designed-this-torture-device tongs. but much to my surprise (and delight), no tongs! i don't know why or if they're just not used anymore (OR my hoo-ha has been handled so much w/i the last year, there's no reason to pry her open?) but they weren't used...i even asked just in case i somehow missed it. interesting, i know.

it finally looks like we may actually have a cleared path for pregnancy without all the speed- bumps come 2009.

no worries, i'm not that hopeful.

ah, jerry

i suppose after my recent mini-rant about jerry, i should offer my congrat's. so, congrat's to jerry & rebecca, who are expecting not one but two babies! two....2....1+1....freaking twins!

so, why couldn't they just say that in the first place? why make a fuss about "trying" & being "lucky enough"? lucky? wtf? why not just come out and say that you're expecting....or don't say anything at all? blech.

but here's the kicker: a "source" felt compelled to add that "The twins were conceived without the help of in vitro fertilization or the fertility drug Clomid..." and so what if they were? so what if they needed a little nudge? was it necessary to make it known that they needed no reproductive assistance? seriously? again...why not just keep your trap shut? double blech. blech.

TBH, i really feel for celebrities who are constantly defending what they choose to do with their womb. i mean, is nothing sacred? and then there are those who just blab...blab...blab and make it increasingly difficult for me to swallow my morning joe.

and since i enjoy a bit of self-torture now & again, i know i'll be keeping up with their pregnancy...just like i do all the others.

cd1

stop the presses!

guess who graced me with her presence this morning? yep, auntie flo arrived! i won't lie - i did a little happy dance, too. this is HUGE! normally, my cycles are 40+ days long. and today would've been cd26 (cd29 if i'm counting the bit of breakthru bleeding that occurred prior to full AF last cycle). so, i guess the weight loss (-14.6 lbs, btw) combined w/ the met/clomid combo is normalizing my cycles (yes, i did just use the word "normal" and "my" in the same sentence, sounds weird to me, too!). the only downside is the severe lower back pain i've been having, the leg pain and cramping - all of which are the very reasons i went on the pill 12yrs ago.

as i said earlier, my annual is scheduled for next wednesday. i don't think dr.c will want to reschedule (for some reason i remember being told it's ok to be on AF) but i'll call monday and make sure.

let the charting commence!

ouch!

right now i'm praying to the AF god that she's on her way. i am having severe lower back pain and i can only attribute it to AF's impending arrival. it has been YEARS since my back has caused me this much pain. and i don't like it. i am having a hard time sitting @ my desk - i even stretched out on my back for 30min yesterday in my co-worker's office (she has a couch). i should've called-in. i should still be in bed. dreaming. damn you AF! damn you.

hey, jerry!

so, looks like jerry and rebecca wanna have a baby. three words: join.the.club.

i'm not going to spend more time on hottie jerry and his gorgeous wife, rebecca. not when julie has done a great job of summing up my feelings (as usual), read here. and not when i'm determined to finish this blog not feeling like a rejected-reproductively broken-freak. sigh.

i'm waiting for my next cycle to start. i was sure it was going to be this morning, as my legs were hurting a lot last night...so much so that i had to keep moving them while lying in bed (not normal for me). but alas, there's no sign of her, yet. i've been told i can technically start charting at any point in my cycle. but i like to have a clear start-date. so, i've decided to wait until cd1; hence, my impatience with AF's timing, or lack thereof.

i signed up for a sewing class next month! yay! i'm SO excited! there are so many projects i want to start working on for Christmas and Chanukkah gifts (yes, i realize it's only july...but i'm c-r-a-z-y like that!). i bought some fabrics last night - and i must say, i love them all. the fabric cutter/cashier kept telling me how much she liked what i'd picked out. now, of course, she might have just been saying this but it made me feel good that a total stranger liked my picks...hopefully the recipients of my gifts will too!

are you crafty? what types of gifts do you make for your family & friends (or for yourself?!)?

rambling

so, i can't help but feel like i'm not part of the IF community right now. even though I know that i am. it's just kind of different knowing that while we're not necessarily TTA, we're not actively TTC either.

i really have tried to embrace this time and enjoy it as much as possible with the captain and work on some crafty stuff. but i still have all the same emotions i did when we were really workin' the TTC program. kwim? and i'm fairly certain that's probably normal.

i have decided to start charting (again) w/ my next cycle. hopefully that will give me a good baseline to go by in january when we crank it up again...assuming that everything goes as planned. ehm.

and speaking of next year...my lil' sister is getting married in april (yay!). does anyone else see the potential conflict here? any suggestions? would you wait until after the wedding to ttc? is it selfish of me if i don't? i mean, if i were to get pregnant in feb...i'd only be a couple of months along, so i don't think it'd be that big of a deal. well, other than the fact that i wouldn't be able to enjoy a bottle...er...glass of wine. i'll just sit on this until i order my dress in october.

oh! i've scheduled my annual for 7/30 & i'm very excited! i can't wait for dr. c to see how much weight i've lost since our last visit (may) and i'm eagerly awaiting the cbc he does; i know...weird. but he runs a pretty thorough panel once a year, so hopefully i'll have some positive changes in my numbers - hormones (multiple), blood sugar, liver enzymes, cholesterol, etc...

speak of the devil...my sis is calling! we'll chat more later....

giveaway!

a GIVEAWAY!!!!!! go to Old Red Barn Co.'s blog...she is giving away an aWeSoMe quilt using absolutely gorgeous fabric designed by Sandi Henderson! Ah......I love this quilt! (and I hope I win, too!)

hurry on over and find out how to win!

a quiet house

after a week of babysitting baby mason, he's back @ home with his loving family.

and there is a strange silence in our house now. there is so much that i could be sad about but i'm going to try my best to be thankful (for a change).

for one week we got to:

• hear a baby laugh and giggle
• hear the sound of pitter-patter on the floor
• see hysterical, priceless faces that only a child can make
• enjoy the conversations that only take place with a one-yr old
• smell the sweetness of a baby
• watch mason try (& succeed) @ sneaking his food to mego!
• be touched so tenderly by mason's delicate hands
• and be kissed by his soft lips

i'm sure over the years i've doubted my desire to become a parent (heck, it wasn't until i met the captain that i even wanted to have kids!). throughout our journey of IF, i have often asked myself "am i ready for this?" or "are WE ready for this?" & "am i selfless enough?". but babysitting mason has solidified my quest of wanting to be a parent. it has also confirmed my need to be a mother.

to j&c, thank you for trusting us enough to care for your precious boy. we had a blast! he was an absolute delight and the pleasure was ours.

and to baby mason: you are the best kid ever! we had so much fun and you opened our eyes to many new things! of course, i'm probably biased b/c i was there when you were born, like i saw you literally come into the world! and b/c of that, i think we have a special bond. but most importantly, mason - thank you for giving us something that i think only you could ~ Hope.

i'm still here....barely

sorry i've been MIA...the captain and i are babysitting our best friends' one-year old, mason. they went on a family cruise and decided to only take their older boys, so of course, we were thrilled when they asked us to watch the wee-one. we're having a blast and staying busy...

i'll be back to my regular posting this weekend. i hope y'all are having as much fun as we are!

peace!

she's baaaaaaaaaaaaack!

so, technically i started bleeding last Monday but it really was nothing more than break-thru bleeding...haha, go figure. but then on Saturday, she struck w/ full force. i've decided to count Saturday as cd1 and i'll begin taking Clomid on Wednesday, which will be cd5. looks like we're starting off on the right foot for the next 6 cycles...at least i didn't need any Provera to jump start AF, right?

i've stocked up w/ my buddy, Playtex. you know, just in case.

can i get a woot-woot?!