my first post is up. follow me here, if you're so inclined.

see you on the other side.

xxx

a few things:

the Mr is in Costa Rica for the week

the dogs are driving me insane

sanity, though, is overrated.

i got my tix for ACL 2010

will be traveling to new.hampshire, maine and boston next month for work

have news that i can't discuss until i move to wp and lock a post

still working out...thinking about do an adventure challenge but am still on the fence. may do a 10k soon. idk.

moving to wordpress. i created the blog and am still working out some minor kinks but it should be up and going over there very soon. i'll let y'all know.

more later.

Stolen meme. Requirement: Use one word to answer. I'm going to amend this to use the first word that comes to mind.

Let's give it a whirl, shall we?

1. Yourself: untamed.
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: lover.
3. Your hair: mane.
4. Your mother/stepmother: unexplainable.
5. Your dog: plural.
6. Your favorite item: ipod.
7. Your dream last night: baffling.
8. Your favorite drink: Tito's.
9. Your dream car: unattainable.
10. The room you are in: cubed.
12. Your fear: regret.
13. What you want to be in 10 years: soaring.
14. Who you hung out with last night: people.
15. What you’re not: social.
16. Muffin: top.
17: One of your wish list items: Prague.
18: Time: passes.
19. The last thing you did: pee.
20. What you are wearing: earrings.
21. Your favorite weather: cold.
22. Your favorite book: numerous.
23. The last thing you ate: granola.
24. Your life: good.
25. Your mood: amused.
26. Your best friend(S): savior.
27. What are you thinking about right now? words.
28. Your car: sleek.
29. What are you doing at the moment?: typing.
30. Your summer: hot.
31. Your relationship status: married.
32. What is on your TV?: nothing.
33. What is the weather like?: raining.
34. When is the last time you laughed?: today.

still here...i have a few things on my mind but am waiting to post about them. actually, i'm considering switching to wordpress so that i can protect some posts *scratches head*

more in a bit.

sum it up thursday

My Grandpa said to me,
"Grandson sit down we need to talk.
In life, there may be times when it gets hard to walk the walk.
It's easier to take the path that most have traveled on,
But then again sometimes to do what's right you must walk alone."

"Some people are unkind to those who see things different.
We've all felt pain in ways it hurts to even bring it up...
But that don't mean that we should take this motion lying down...
I'll stand and fight until the day they put me in the ground."

And Lord,
it's a lonely road, Ooh,
When this world burns down
Deep in your soul...
You will find there's a peace left in mind,
You will find there's a peace to find.
(Peace to find)

"And now I've taught you all I know,
So take this seed and let it grow.
(So take this seed and let it grow)
So take this seed and let it grow.
Though I'm here now,
soon I'll be gone I did what I can to try it make you strong
(I did what I can to try it make you strong)
(And I see that you're strong)"

And Lord, it's a lonely road, Ooh,
When this world burns down
Deep in your soul...
(This world burns down, deep in your soul)
You will find there's a peace left in mind,
You will find there's a peace to find.

And Lord, it's a lonely road.
(Such a lonely road)
And Lord, it's a lonely road.
(Hey, it's a lonely road)
And Lord, it's a lonely road.
And Lord, it's a lonely road

Lonely Road, RJA

xvii

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Sonnet XVII, Pablo.Neruda

apparently, i don't do pink...of any kind.

Friday night we went here for good times with family and friends...and 'ritas. Had a blast and made promises to do it more often.

What's pink and purple and sparkly all over? A 3yro's birthday party, duh! We drove south for the frilly event and while we had a reasonably good time (see below) seeing old friends and hanging with family, I came away with a few observations. One: I found myself praying (more than once) that if we have a child(ren), I am not entirely certain I can handle a girl; two: if we are blessed with a girl, I hope she likes trees & chucks; three: I decidedly do not like the colors pink and purple. Oh and one more thing -"Pin Cinderella in the Window"?!?!?!? I guess the ass got the boot.

And of course, we were asked when we were going to start having babies. Now, I kind of expected this since we were at a kids' party but I also (kind of) expected the topic to be dropped when I said "you know, whenever. No rush." And it wasn't. And I had to restrain myself from junk-punching someone. What I really want to tell people and frankly, I think it's only a matter of time before I do, is "Our procreation, or lack thereof, is really none of your fucking business." THAT is what I wanted to say, but y'all know I didn't. She kept prodding and I nodded, plastered on a grin and said, "Here's the thing, sweetie, my ovaries don't work. So, if you know how to fix them, please, by all means, contact my doctor and let him know because he sure as hell can't figure it out." Cue end of conversation.

Not that this is breaking news or anything but everyone is full of expert opinions...until the details come out. Then they don't know what to say...and you know what? I don't give a flying spaghetti monster. I'm tired of making excuses for people not knowing any better (and I don't mean Darlene at the grocery store, I'm talking about people that you KNOW, family, close friends, etc...). And with that...

Thank you for your wonderful comments. Some of you posted on the blog and others e-mailed and/or called. All of you said that I wasn't a coward, and while I appreciate it, I do disagree with you. But that's okay; I am what I am...for now. Had an impromptu talk this weekend about our plans and the next steps, so we'll see what happens.

***

Saw Green.Zone. Liked it, had discussions about the motives of the movie and the message and recommended it to others. Flew solo Sunday afternoon and went to see Remember.Me...and left snotsobbing. Best movie ever? No, but it really was a good movie and I hope it gets the acclaim it deserves.

S*X*S*W also started last week and I am so excited! I hope* to be spending time at a few shows this week/end and cannot wait. Live music pwns me and this event is just epic. *I didn't purchase a wristband this year bc they were $750 for music ($1580 for media, music and interactive) and I'm kinda pissed about that. I remember when they were $75 back when I was in high school. I mean, shit, I live here for fuck's sake. Shouldn't we residents get some sort of break? Sadly, even my rage about pricing can't keep me away. But whatevs, I'll just pay a cover and wait in line.

It can only take a moment to waste the rest of your life. - Chuck Palahniuk, Snuff.

lingering thoughts

I've been wondering lately just how much influence we all have on each other. I mean, I know, in general, peer influence greatly impacts our decisions, be they right or wrong. But what about life choices, the things that will change your life forever? How are we influenced by those around us when it comes time to making resolutions...be it marriage, children, careers and the like.

I still read infertility blogs, though not as often. There's so much pain, so much devastation - only a portion of which we've experienced - and so many unanswered questions. And when I read my what my fellow IFers are dealing with, or not, I sometimes ask myself if I'm willing to jump back in and take the risk, again? Can I do it? Am I emotionally strong enough to potentially have to deal with the worst possible outcome(s)? The answer is, usually, not today, no; how cowardly of me. And so then, what? I look around and see all these women (and men) giving it their all, every ounce of what they have is poured into building a family but the cost, oh how the cost scares the shit out of me. What price am I willing to pay? What am I willing to, potentially, sacrifice? Because, although the goal is clear, the sacrifice can be so much larger than not bringing home a baby. And it can be infinitely smaller, depending on the outcome.

There's a strange, odd feeling I get when I ask these questions, as they go against nearly every fiber in my being. I am a life risk-taker, if you will. I have few fears that hold me back from doing the things I want. In general, I don't weigh my actions against the cost (there are, of course, exceptions). But this, this disease of infertility, it seems I am afraid to even try to conquer it. Afraid to even try.

But all of this relates to the influence we have on each other. I have friends who have lost a child, friends who have miscarried (still the loss of a child), and friends who have sought out adoption only to have the birth parent(s) change their mind. Each of those scenarios plays through my mind and they each leave arms empty. And hearts broken. And life is now forever changed. And that is why I am afraid to even try. I have been influenced by my friends, their stories and what I watch them go through during and after the storm. And I ask myself, can I do that?

I don't know. I'm not sure I can.

Yes, indeed, how very cowardly of me.

hello monday...

happy monday! so...nothing too exciting happening with me (for a change). today is International Women's Day, so congratulate the women in your life for what they've accomplished in this world of glass ceilings...social, political and economical. we've got a long way to go but we're getting there (congrats kathryn.bigelow).

went to see Alice.in.Wonderland (in 3D) Friday night and was blown away. not so much by the story or the acting, but the new technology in film is simply amazing and i was stunned and in awe. spent Saturday down in Corpus celebrating my nephew's 3rd birthday. and let me just say this - 4hrs with 12 3yros...actually, i probably don't even have to say anything. you can guess.

am planning on my next trip - or trying to. we'll see. i should know more this week. i owe y'all some stories and i'm working on it. rather than type it out 100x and to 100 different people, i'm in the midst of creating a mass e-mail and will post it once i'm done. as for the pictures, i'll probably provide a link to the album for my family and friends. and i'll let you know when that's available and you can PM me and request the link.

i can't believe it's already march. only 5 more months until my next drs appt...only 5 more months until some decisions will have to be made. 5 months.

**

Sometimes I feel that life is passing me by, not slowly either, but with ropes of steam and spark-spattered wheels and a hoarse roar of power or terror. It's passing, yet I'm the one who's doing all the moving. ~Martin Amis, Money

In that book which is
My memory . . .
On the first page
That is the chapter when
I first met you
Appear the words . . .
Here begins a new life

La Vita Nuova, Dante Alighieri

****

side note: I'd like to post some pics but am a little worried about them being used by others. Is there a way to 'lock' them?

I'm back! And Oh Em Gee....what an AMAZING trip! As soon as I have some time, I'll post pics and write about my adventure...and trust, I have a few stories that will have you ROFL.

But for now,

A man's worth depends on his two smallest organs: his heart and his tongue. - Arab Proverb

<3

We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts, not breaths

-Phillip James Bailey

We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts, not breaths; 

In feelings, not in figures on a dial. 

We should count time by heart-throbs. He most lives 

Who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best. 

And he whose heart beats quickest lives the longest: 

Lives in one hour more than in years do some 

Whose fat blood sleeps as it slips along their veins.  

Life's but a means unto an end; that end, 

Beginning, mean, and end to all things—God.  

The dead have all the glory of the world.

hello!

made it back from Ohio in one piece. had to spend 6 hours at the Midway airport in Chicago due to weather delays. then flew straight into a massive storm cell. the last hour and a half of the flight was rocky...like, um, dropping and bouncing and rocking back & forth. oh, did i mention the lightning show that was going on outside? yea. and i have to get on a plane again in 9 days. fun.

the clothes i ordered online came in. all but one pair of pants fit nicely. well, they fit but they're too long. figured as much. they're also lined, which i didn't note when i ordered them. and i'm wondering if they'll be too bulky to pack in the backpack. we'll see. slowly things are getting crossed of the 'to-do' list for the trip. i cannot believe i leave next thursday. *so excited*

3 days after i get back, i'm going to see this man. again. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. and in March, i'll be checking out this dude and these guys. saw them both at ACL '09 and loved 'em. found out recently that Lil.ith Fair will be stopping here on tour this summer. the line-up is fab and i'm just waiting to buy tix.

and that's all for now. have a super day...until next time,

cheerio!

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.
- Khalil Gibran

Went to see Master Pancake Theater - Forrest Gump this weekend and OMG...seriously, find out if it's showing near you and GO. NOW. Funniest thing I've seen in a LONG time. So good.

I leave for OH tomorrow morning - too early.

Finally ordered some stuff for my trip. Got a few cargo-style pants. Please sweet baby jesus let them fit, as I ordered them online and am NERVOUS. I know I'll have to have them hemmed but I can work with that.

Oh! Tried on a smaller size in jeans this weekend and nearly cried. They fit. I may or may not have done a little happy dance in the dressing room and there may or may not have been some shrieking involved. *lips sealed*

Also, I just wanted to say that you'll notice I took some things off my blog and rearranged others...if you have any questions about our IF experience or what we've done to date or whatever, shoot me an e-mail or leave a comment.

That's all for now...until laters...peace.

This week has been shitty. And I realize that my shitty and your shitty and Bob's shitty are all different....but yea. SHITTY. And all of it is work related. People, systems, deadlines...gah. I could go on. I'm just glad its almost over.

On a lighter note, my brother turns 14 tomorrow. I can't believe it! Fourteen. I turned 30 in August and I think the realization of that just hit me. Which means that my 1/2 birthday is coming up soon, too. And I'll be 6 months away from 31...holy shit. Lots to do between now and then...lots to do.

Homework tonight: 4min run, 3min walk x 6.

qui onques rien n'enprist riens n'achieva

btw...

this is what i did last night @ the gym...

4 min run, 3 min walk x 4
20 min walk @ 4.0 incline.

yea.

on books...

my reading for 2010 has already commenced...i've read these two books so far (they're part of a series): The Hunger Games and Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins. I can't wait until the 3rd book comes out in August....oh, Peeta! I need to know what happened to you!

i have these two on my night stand right now. i've started The Brief Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz and am a few chapters in. So far, so good. next will be Vinegar Hill by A. Manette Ansay <--i've heard mixed reviews about this one...we'll see.

i've also decided to re-read a few books this year.

i'll keep you posted.

The Layers, Stanley Kunitz

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.
When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.
Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?
In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
whereever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.
In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."
Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.
I am not done with my changes.

there's not much to say. i've been really busy with work. going to be traveling (for work) soon and i'm dreading it...timing could not be worse. but i work better under pressure and stress, so it'll all work out.

making plans to go skydiving in april. can't wait. another notch on the list.

got tix to go see this hilarious lady. if you have never seen her show...i have no words. genius.

shopping and packing for the big trip here. 23 days.

and in case you're wondering, yes. i am still mourning the loss of both my teams. there's always next year, boys.

****

wow.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

-Oriah Mountain Dreamer

*i found this here a few days ago (after the author of the blog left a comment) and am still affected by it. i sense i will be for long while, as it makes me think about IF and so, so much more.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. -Bill Cosby

Hola and happy 2010! I hope the New Year finds y'all doing well...

We went to a few parties on NYE...had a fun times with some old friends and made new friends. And that was that...lol. I don't really make resolutions, as I prefer not to set myself up for failure. And really, all I want for 2010 is to be. To not have judgement placed upon us for choices that we make...and to do things unselfishly for others but things that make us happy. I have little to no control on most things that happen in my life but I can control my attitude and outlook and view of the world around me. And I look forward to enjoying 2010 as much as possible...

Y'all know my love of music and so when I heard that Bob was going to be playing here, I had to go. So, I dragged an old friend along and off we went...& we had the best night! We sang and drank and danced and truly enjoyed some fabulous music & company! A special thanks to MB for making sure that I got home in one piece...the Captain and I both appreciate it. ;) OH! I don't think I posted about this *facepalm* but...in December, my cousin and I went to see this Bobby here & OMG, such a great concert. He sounds the SAME live as he does on his albums. And I was just...*swoon*. I think I have a thing for Bob's....

I'm still hitting up the gym daily...well, 6 days a week. And the jogging/running is coming along. I ran last night 2x for 3min increments and then a final 5min run. NGL, I was tired but I did it. I find that towards the end of my cardio workouts, it's easier for me to run longer. IDK if that makes sense or if anyone else experiences that. If so...could you LMK that I'm not weird. LOL!

My trip is officially 35 days away. I am so excited! Am currently searching for lightweight hiking/trekking shoes that aren't fugly. Not an easy task. I did get this backpack (yes, in russet aka burnt orange) and am hoping everything fits. I received my packing list yesterday and there are some interesting items! Taking the easy way out of posting topics, I'll probably post the places we'll be traveling to and through leading up to our trip.

Cheers to 2010!

Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up.

-Chuck.Palahniuk