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lingering thoughts

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I've been wondering lately just how much influence we all have on each other. I mean, I know, in general, peer influence greatly impacts our decisions, be they right or wrong. But what about life choices, the things that will change your life forever? How are we influenced by those around us when it comes time to making it marriage, children, careers and the like.

I still read infertility blogs, though not as often. There's so much pain, so much devastation - only a portion of which we've experienced - and so many unanswered questions. And when I read my what my fellow IFers are dealing with, or not, I sometimes ask myself if I'm willing to jump back in and take the risk, again? Can I do it? Am I emotionally strong enough to potentially have to deal with the worst possible outcome(s)? The answer is, usually, not today, no; how cowardly of me. And so then, what? I look around and see all these women (and men) giving it their all, every ounce of what they have is poured into building a family but the cost, oh how the cost scares the shit out of me. What price am I willing to pay? What am I willing to, potentially, sacrifice? Because, although the goal is clear, the sacrifice can be so much larger than not bringing home a baby. And it can be infinitely smaller, depending on the outcome.

There's a strange, odd feeling I get when I ask these questions, as they go against nearly every fiber in my being. I am a life risk-taker, if you will. I have few fears that hold me back from doing the things I want. In general, I don't weigh my actions against the cost (there are, of course, exceptions). But this, this disease of infertility, it seems I am afraid to even try to conquer it. Afraid to even try.

But all of this relates to the influence we have on each other. I have friends who have lost a child, friends who have miscarried (still the loss of a child), and friends who have sought out adoption only to have the birth parent(s) change their mind. Each of those scenarios plays through my mind and they each leave arms empty. And hearts broken. And life is now forever changed. And that is why I am afraid to even try. I have been influenced by my friends, their stories and what I watch them go through during and after the storm. And I ask myself, can I do that?

I don't know. I'm not sure I can.

Yes, indeed, how very cowardly of me.


Jen J said...

I don't think that it's cowardly... I don't think that it's ever cowardly to attempt to find yourself at your very core. I am also terrified of jumping back in that pool again - and yet here I am swimming. Seems backwards doesn't it?

Keep soul searching and you'll find the answers... and remember that I'm always here for you - no matter what.

Sarah said...

Dana, I agree with Jen. I don't think it's cowardly at all. As someone who is now on the outside of trying to get pregnant, the thought of ever trying again completely terrifies me. I can't beleive I did some of the stuff I did! I think that when you are in the thick of it though, that you don't really see or feel what someone might from the outside. If you did decide to jump back in, it might not be as scary once you got into it (as it is now from the outside). Best of luck with your decisions and you know I'm here for you too!

Amel said...

I don't think it has anything to do with being cowardly. Everybody has different things to think about and there're always the emotional part of TTC when you're an IFer (if that doesn't work).

Everybody has the right to decide what's best for themselves and we don't need to care about what other people think 'coz it's OUR lives and we're the one who's running our lives.