december, here we come!

Well, I cancelled my appointment for Friday w/ the new RE. Even tho it sucked that I had to do this, I did it because....

the Captain's surgery (one) has finally been scheduled for 12/05! Whoot,Whoot!! We are so excited! And nervous. And hopeful. And scared. But most of all, we are just thankful that it is finally happening. The doctors will be fusing discs in his neck and doing something* to his nerve blockers that will, hopefully, relieve some of the pressure in his back - where the other 6 ruptured discs are located. We'll see; we are crossing our fingers and praying this does what it is intended to do.

***

I also wanted to discuss a little bit about my previous post. I want to point out that in general, I am an extremely optimistic person - especially about battling infertility. I don't usually get too down about it and try to always see the silver lining. Though, I admit, it isn't always easy and I do succumb to the range of negative emotions that those of us w/ IF often endure.

*

That being said, I really tried to analyze my "prayer" even more....I know, I'm a dweeb. And what I got from it is that I have lost motivation to do the things that I enjoyed long before infertility was even a word in my everyday vocabulary.

*

I used to enjoy crafts, knitting, baking, sewing...I can go on and on. But I've found over the past 6 months or so, my liking of these sorts of hobbies has waned. And that is what I am trying to get back to....even if I have to force my hand to do it. I've printed out numerous patterns and projects for me to start on and I really think that will help get me back to me. And that's my goal for now.

*

(I also have something interesting to share with you out of one of the books I read a passage from nightly but I keep forgetting to make sure I have it with me. I'll try to get on tonight and post about it. Something to keep you coming back, perhaps. Hehe)

*

p.s. the spacing issue is really getting on my nerves. please, blogger, fix it. thx!

hidden messages

Every night, after I'm finished reading and turn out the lights and right before I'm about to close my eyes and let my mind wander off into far away lands, I pray. Generally, I express my gratitude and then pray for specifics (ehm...my "wants"). And I'll be honest, I am usually drifting off by the time I'm finished. But last night, something different and weird happened.

When I closed my eyes to pray (everyone does this, right?), I saw the words of what I was praying about scrolling on a screen w/ an overlay of what I can only describe as bouncing speakers (think cartoonish). And a song was blaring over my thoughts. I mean BLARING! I could barely hear myself think. Now, I was awake - I was not asleep, this was not a dream - I was awake, lying in my bed, trying to pray. After a few minutes, I sat up and had a conversation with myself - asking it to stop. Begging it to stop. DEMANDING that it stop. It didn't. I gave up and tried to go to sleep but the song was still there - playing over and over and over. I dreamt about the song...and my prayer that never happened...it was a LONG night, as I kept waking up - only to fall back asleep w/ words scrolling and music blasting.

Odd.

And it continues today. The song is stuck in my head. I can't get rid of it. I am not one of those who reads into dreams - they are what they are, plain and simple. At least that's what I thought.

I got online this morning & looked up the lyrics so that I could read them and try to make sense of this confusion, my confusion. It's a popular song and I'm certain you've heard it many times. I read it once. Then again. And again.

And I realized I had been praying all along.

Wake Me Up Inside - Evanescense

How can you see into my eyes

Like open doors?

Lading you down into my core,

Where I've become so numb.

*

Without a soul,

My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold,

Until you find it there and lead it back

Home.

*

(Wake me up)

Wake me up inside.

(I can’t wake up)

Wake me up inside.

(Save me)

Call my name

and save me from the dark.

(Wake me up)

Bid my blood to run.

(I can’t wake up)

Before I come undone.

(Save me)

Save me from the nothing I've become.

*

Now that I know what I'm without,

You can't just leave me.

Breathe into me and make me real.

Bring me to life.

*

(Wake me up)

Wake me up inside.

(I can’t wake up)

Wake me up inside.

(Save me)

Call my name and save me from the dark.

(Wake me up)

Bid my blood to run.

(I can’t wake up)

Before I come undone.

(Save me)

Save me from the nothing I've become.

*

Bring me to life.

(I've been living a lie.

There's nothing inside)

Bring me to life.

*

Frozen inside without your touch,

Without your love, darling.

Only you are the life among the dead.

*

(All of this sight,

I can't believe I couldn't see

Kept in the dark

but you were there in front of me)

I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.

I've got to open my eyes to everything.

(Without a thought

Without a voice

Without a soul

Don't let me die here.

There must be something more).

Bring me to life.

*

(Wake me up)

Wake me up inside.

(I can’t wake up)

Wake me up inside.

(Save me)

Call my name and save me from the dark.

(Wake me up)

Bid my blood to run.

(I can’t wake up)

Before I come undone.

(Save me)

Save me from the nothing I've become.

*

Bring me to life.

(I've been living a lie.

There's nothing inside)

Bring me to life.

lame-o

i had a post topic in mind this morning & have completely forgotten what it was. crap.

but i do have a question - cd1 was on oct 27 & on cd20 (nov 15) i had EWCM & some mild/noticeable cramping on my right side. i am crossing my fingers that i O'd. but i'm kinda thinking cd20 seems late to be O'ing. i had EWCM on cd17 my previous cycle but felt no symptoms of ovulation.

i've read my TCYF book and i'm thinking this is pretty normal but my EWCM only lasts for MAYBE 2 days. last month it was just plain weird tho - i had EWCM on cd17 and then nothing until cd22.

i'm so confused....as usual. lol. thank goodness i have a dr appt this week. i just love being the patient who comes in with a blank look on her face while telling the RE "yes, we have been ttc for 2+ years. promise."

(sorry about the font changes. i really was getting tired of the spacing issues i was having and am trying to see how i like the "Arial")

6 years

six years ago yesterday, november 9th, the captain and i tied the knot!

wow. i can't believe it's already been six years...like, over half a decade! who'd have thunk?

we decided to forgo a "traditional wedding" and planned a destination wedding in Lake Tahoe. i remember being concerned about whether or not it was going to be snowing, so i called (iirc, it was the local chamber of commerce) and asked about weather history. the lady on the other end of the line assured me that it NEVER snows in lake tahoe until on/or around Thanksgiving. whew! so, i booked our travel arrangements and we picked 11/09/02 as our wedding date! (a little bit of trivia: the captain proposed on 11/09/01.)

we had a small, intimate wedding here, with snow as the backdrop (uhuh, i said snow!) and it was absolutely beautiful! then, we treated our guests (about 20ppl) to an awesome dinner here. the captain and i stayed behind for another 5 days and did a couple of road trips up/down the west coast and lounged around tahoe. we loved it and we are planning on going back soon.

a couple of weeks after we returned, we had a reception here - dinner and dancing with our friends & family! it was an unforgettable night!

we had been talking about what to do for our anniversary for about a week but hadn't really decided on anything other than a nice, home cooked meal. but yesterday, the captain woke up with a very upset stomach...which ended up putting a crimp into our day. so, even though we didn't get to do much of anything for our 6th wedding anniversary, we were together and we are happy and that is all that matters.

happy anniversary & i love you, captain!

hope

as most of you know, i am a Conservative. this election, i did a write-in for Ron Paul; staying true to my word. i am not saddened, like some, that BO will be our next president. nor am i saddened that JM didn't win. i, like most other Conservatives i know, am praying that my party re-groups and re-evaluates their mission & goal(s); as i said before, i did not leave the re.publican party, the re.publican party left me. and to be frank, these days i consider myself among the radical center (google for more info.)

i am proud of my country & am so thankful that i am alive to witness what happened last night. i cannot wait to share this amazing story in american history with my grandchildren!

all of that being said...my in-box had an e-mail from a fellow Ron Paul supporter. i agree 100% with what he had to say and i'm posting it here for all to read because it is just too aWeSoMe not to share.


I hope...that we can all stand back and see both what we have to work with and against.

I hope that all of this positive energy coming from people who truly do want peace, prosperity and good will towards mankind will be a help towards our efforts.

The collective consciousness of the world was changed last night for the better; if people can't see that then they just don't want to see it.

I, personally, would much rather work in an atmosphere of positive energy, love and hope than one of pessimism, fear and despair.

Now let's get to work!




peace.

i don't care who it's for...

VOTE!

cheers!

this past weekend, my friend jen gave me my very first blog award! this is what jen had to say about me:

Dana is my "soul sister." I love the music tracks on her blog when I open it up to see what she has going on in her world. We both are leading very parallel lives - especially as it pertains to Infertility. The biggest difference between us is that she's a conservative and I'm pretty much a bleeding hear liberal.... Her blog is honest and real and often features some of the most humorous conversations that I have ever heard between a person and the staff at her doctor's office. ;)

thanks, jen! I think you're pretty cool, too....even if you are a bleedin' heart liberal (shhh...don't tell anyone or my reputation will be screwed!)! most of y'all probably haven't read jen's blog b/c it's private. but jen is a fellow infertile who, too, is struggling to conceive her & her DH's first baby. jen, you are constantly in my prayers as we go thru this journey together. crossing my everythings that this month is the month. muah!

There is also a Meme that comes with the award!

1. Where is your cell phone? desk

2. Where is your significant other? sleeping

3. Your hair color? reddish-brown (one word!)

4. Your mother? punctual

5. Your father? tardy

6. Your favorite thing? blankie

7. Your dream last night? forgettable

8. Your dream/goal? happiness

9. The room you're in? office

10. Your hobby? sewing

11. Your fear? regret

12. Where do you want to be in six years? satisfied

13. Where were you last night? couch

14. What you're not? pushover

15. One of your wish list items? babe

16. Where you grew up? America

17. The last thing you did? pee ;)

18. What are you wearing? undergarments

19. Your T.V.? sports

20. Your Pet? psycho

21. Your computer? addicting

22. Your mood? mild

23. Missing someone? jake

24. Your car? tahoe

25. Something you're not wearing? shoes

26. Favorite store? francesca's

27. Your Summer? HOT

28. Love someone? yep

29. Your favorite color? green

30. When is the last time you laughed? sunrise

31. When was the last time you cried? sunset

there are so many blogs i frequent and most of them are private. but i've decided on one blog & i'm going to pass this award on to jade:

jade & i crossed paths on a message board. we were both posting on a thread that questioned religions (we're both catholic) and we started noticing we had A LOT in common. after multiple e-mails, it was confirmed that jade is my long, lost lebanese sister! jade has the best sense of humor and her blogging is honest and uncut. she has an adorable son, houston, who is h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s! check her out!

cheers!