ah, 2009...

can you be a better friend than 2008? Can we try to do this together, you know, like partners? Can we promise each other, right now, that you'll be a much friendlier, kinder year than your predecessor? Please?

As 2009 is just hours away, I can't help but think of what is to come. The Captain is one surgery down with a couple more to go (we think). We have some legal stuff to take care of next month (fingers crossed). And of course, who could forget that we're entering another year of baby-wanting-but-not-getting.

Speaking of (or typing of...?) TTC, it occurred to me that 2009 will probably not bring a baby. Now, I'm not saying it definitely won't happen. But I am being realistic. (The Captain would love that...me being a realist, instead of the dreamer I usually am.) I just don't see it happening. And not because we don't want it to, obviously. But I just don't think it's in the cards for us in 2009 (those of you who know us IRL kwim).

And you know what? I am strangely, almost frighteningly, at ease with this realization. That doesn't mean our desire isn't there or has just gone away. Or I won't feel as, oh I don't know, pissed at the world about our fertility problems. But perhaps since I recognize that '09 will (more than likely) not bring a mini-captain, the easier it will be for me to deal/cope with our situation? Maybe not? We'll see. Shrug.

Now, all of that being said...AF is late. I think it's just stress, as I'm not in the running. Kind of a cruel, tho not unusual, way to end the year, eh? Bwahahahahaha. Bitch. ;)

And just so y'all know, my only resolutions for 2009 are to smile more and laugh as often as possible and love with all that I have. (pshhhhht....you know you love it when I get all Hallmark-y on you!)

Be safe. Be merry. Be the star of the p-a-r-t-y!

Happy New Year!

and so this is Christmas

...and I'm blogging. Something is terribly wrong with this picture, I think. Maybe not. I'm sitting in my living room surrounded by the Captain's family, waiting for our dinner to finish cooking. Another hour.

***

Went to midnight Mass last night. It was absolutely beautiful. I went alone and I must admit it was a bit weird being there by myself with families and couples all around me. But I was fine, just felt a bit awkward. Spent a lot of time praying for and thinking about the families affected by the accident I wrote about earlier in the week. .

***

Spoke with my mom yesterday. J is doing ok. He asked to go to the funeral, so they took him. He was upset (obviously) and is still in near-constant contact with his friends. Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers.

***

The Captain is summoning me. Ok, he's kinda raising his voice in annoyance that I'm online. And he's probably right. So, I'm signing off.

I hope you & yours have very Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah! And for all of you - I wish you joy, peace and love this season.

prayer request

I don't do this often but I feel compelled to ask all of you for your prayers, good thoughts or whatever you can offer. I don't really know how to begin, so forgive me if this post is all over the place -

Sunday night, my brother (J) lost a classmate in an auto accident. She was 12. Another classmate is in a coma (also 12yro) and her brother did not survive the accident.

Apparently, a group of kids (8) were in a station wagon, went for a joy ride down some back roads to a bridge (a known hangout for teens) and had an accident. It's still unclear as to exactly what happened but the driver of the car was a 15yro unlicensed boy; he is fine. There were two fatalities (above) and the other 5 CHILDREN are in the hospital with serious to critical injuries.

I cannot even begin to fathom what these parents and families and friends are going thru right now.

J has asked to go to the viewing of his classmate tonight, so my mom & stepdad have decided to take him. It's a tough decision but I think it's the right one. My heart is breaking for him, as this is his first experience with death - someone his age and a girl he was close friends with. He hasn't opened up too much about it but I know he's taking it hard. He's been on his cell phone non-stop for the past two days with other classmates/friends - keeping updated on the situation and consoling one another - he lives in a TINY town (pop 900) and there are less than 30 students in his entire class. It's so tender and absolutely heartbreaking. Mom brought him up to see the Captain and me last night and they just left a couple of hours ago. I tried to keep him smiling and we goofed around a lot. But it's scares me to think of the emotions he's going to have to be dealing with in the coming hours/days. My god! They are only twelve years old!

I can't even see my screen anymore thru my tears, so I'm going to sign off. If you could just keep these kids and families in your thoughts and prayers, I would appreciate it. They need all they can get right now.

Be safe.

Peace.

i'm such a slacker

Sorry for the lack of posting these days. I promise I'll pick back up once things get back to normal.

The Captain is recovering nicely; thank you for all your thoughts & prayers. We went back for his post op on Thursday and all is well. Yay! A little factoid about his surgery: he's now 1/2 inch taller! I'm shrinking and he's reaching for the sky. I'm just under 5'3 and he's officially 6'2 now. Oh, he's thrilled. And my neck is feeling strained. ;)

Obviously, nothing new on the TTC front. My lower back was aching yesterday, so I'm fairly certain AF will be here w/i the next 2 days. I will say that I am SO happy that my cycles are "normal" these days - one less thing to be worrying over. A bit ironic, though - I remember dreading AF before TTC, just b/c of the mess and inconvenience. But now, ah, what a site she is...at least until we start actively TTC again.

Hard to believe Christmas is this week. I'll be honest, it's not my favorite holiday. Never has been. Probably never will be. I'm not a Grinch tho, I promise. My folks are divorced and there was always a lot of shuffling during the holidays - never a lot of time spent with family and friends, uninterrupted. I don't blame my 'rents anymore. It was what it was - nothing can change that. But I do hope to create new traditions for our family, our children. Thursday will come. And Thursday will go. And I'll likely feel just the same on Friday as I did on Wednesday. And so it goes...

I do wish all of you a happy, healthy holiday season! May 2009 bring us joy, peace and perhaps some pitter-patter!

Muah!

we're home!

Sorry I've been MIA...(just in case I have any followers, lol)....

The Captain had his surgery on Friday. There were no complications but there was a huge surprise. The discs in his neck were too badly damaged to fuse, so they had to be removed. And the Captain is now the proud owner/wearer of an artificial spacer, titanium plate and screws! OMG...my man has more medal than I do! And a 4.5in gash/cut/soon-to-be scar across the front of his neck. It's ok tho, it just adds to his sexiness.

Other than that, all is well. Just trying to keep him comfortable and keep my sanity as I play nurse-maid.

TMI: I have a yeast infection. First one EVER. Fun.

just another cycle

i meant to post that cd1 was last wednesday. not that it means much, as we're not really doing anything right now. but it is still another cycle with not much to show. well, with nothing to show.

and so it goes...

in other news, i have several other blogging buds who are patiently awaiting their BFP's. and i'm sending all of my prayers up for y'all and wishin' and hopin' (c'mon, sing along...) and thinkin' and prayin' for some BFP's (i'll leave the "plannin' & dreamin'"up to y'all...hehe)!!

hmmmm...

Ok. So, I said that I would post something that I read on the night of my Hidden Messages post that was, imo, the coincidence of all coincidences. Ha!

I should probably do this in the morning but I don't get up early enough (even though 5 min would be plenty of time), so I read daily meditations from A Catholic Woman's Book of Days each night before I pray. Here is the entry for November 18 (the 1st part is scripture, the 2nd is the author's words and the 3rd is a prayer for the reader, reflecting on the passage):

Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit;

serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be

patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.

-ROMANS 12:11-12

*

It is easy, sometimes, to grow weary of prayer.

Physical fatigue is not the problem. No, it's the temptation to let hope drain while we wait for answers.

When those answers don't seem to come, we can tire. We wonder if anyone is there. We wonder if we're just not worthy of God's attention.

Paul reminds us to persevere. And we remember the times that Jesus reminds us that, if human beings respond to requests from those they love, God surely will, too.

*

Father, as I lay my needs before you, help me trust that you are listening.

***

(me again) You can only imagine what was going thru my mind when I read this....some things just make you go "hmmm....".