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everybody wants to know

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

several of our friends are either expecting or have just recently had a baby. i am overjoyed for them, I truly am. but i cannot deny that at the same time i am wishing "congratulations" or adoring their babies, a little part of me is angry.

you'd think i'd be used to it by now. you'd think i'd have come to terms with infertility. you'd think i'd have "moved on". and you'd be wrong.

we were honoring memorial day with friends and we were repeatedly asked "now, when are the two of you going to have some babies?" and while i felt the urge to respond with "oh, i don't know - maybe as soon as my reproductive system decides to get off it's ass and cooperate, we'll be able to put in our order", i simply said "we're trying!" (with my head cocked off to the side and a smirk on my face). apparently, that answer didn't seem to make the rounds. i walked out onto the back patio and was bombarded with "dana, [the captain] said y'all are going through a bunch of tests to find out why you can't get pregnant." WHAT? THE CAPTAIN SAID WHAT? the captain had broken our agreement and decided to just let every tom, dick and harry know that we were failures when it came to reproducing.

realizing i was not going to be able to get out of this one and to be honest, accepting that i was tired of the "song and dance" that comes along with trying to hide something from someone, i took the plunge. i just let it all out...i told them about our panel of tests, the fertility treatments (& the weight gain and mood swings), the poking and prodding, and of course reassured everyone that the problem was me....the captain's little soldiers are standing at attention and are plentiful in numbers, no draft necessary.

and the response was,well...expected. "you should adopt and then maybe you'll get pregnant." really? is that how it works? that's all i have to do? seriously?!?! i politely explained that we're just not there, yet. we're not ready to throw in the towel. it's not that the captain and i are against adoption, we'd like to adopt someday. but that someday is not today.

we'll get our baby. eventually. one way or another. and for right now, it feels kind of good not to be in hiding anymore.

and maybe people will stop asking and just wait for an announcement in the mail.


House of Big Cheese said...

I know the feeling. I am lucky enough to have my ds but I have been asked 5000 why don't you have more, you don't want him to be an only etc...People it's not from lack of trying. I am perimenpausal and have had 3 mc.

People just don't think.Trust me I have came home crying from different get togethers many times :(

I am sorry. I know there are no magic words that make it better.:( I am here if you need to talk.

I have missed alot of my recent family reunions,friends baby showers,etc. It is just to painful. I think it's pretty natural :( Still makes me feel terrible.