My 100th post. Oh, the irony.
I started this blog to reach out to others suffering from infertility and to share experiences...failures and triumphs. And today, I write to tell you that after almost nearly 3 years (33 months)...I've started back on the pill (more on that later).
I'd be a liar if I told you anything other than that there is, indeed, a sadness there....in that still- empty spot reserved for my own children; my own family. But there is also understanding and oddly enough, there is hope...and my hope shines thru my bitterness. At least for now. And that's all I can really ask for...just a bit of hope to gloss over the despair. I know the despair will continue to linger. And that's ok. I think. As long as I can hold onto the hope, I can live with the moroseness of infertility. So, I cling to it...the hope. Because that's all I have left. And that is not something I'm willing to give up. Not now. Not ever. I just can't.
And I won't. I'll try not to. For me. For the Captain. For us.
I wonder how I'm going to feel in 5 days? Will it be the same as last year? Or has so much changed that now everything is different? Ha. I just went back and reread that post...and I'm raising an eyebrow....in amusement.
Maybe somethings always stay the same.
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Showing posts with label ttc. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ttc. Show all posts
going back on my word
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Yesterday was cd1. And I am in a bloody hell with the crimson wave. I am seriously in awe of what my body is doing right now...and not in a good way. And I'm having reminders of this time last year. My period has been increasing in its' intensity, length and pain. So...
This evening the Captain and I had a confab. One that I never thought we'd have to have again. And it revolved around two words: the pill.
I was on the pill for 10 yrs before I went quit taking the babyblocker in hopes of TTC. And I swore on my hair that I'd never go back on it. Never-Ever-Never.
Call me weak. Call me a traitor. Call me a sinner. You can call me whatever you want but we've decided to take the 'easy' route. But that doesn't mean it was an easy choice to make - believe me, we did not (and maybe still don't) see eye-to-eye about this issue. But since we're here now, things have changed. They are what they are....
and tomorrow...er...today, I'll be swinging by my OBGYNs office to pick up some samples and a script.
Although I'm a tad reluctant and still a bit conflicted I am, selfishly, looking forward to the relief.
This evening the Captain and I had a confab. One that I never thought we'd have to have again. And it revolved around two words: the pill.
I was on the pill for 10 yrs before I went quit taking the babyblocker in hopes of TTC. And I swore on my hair that I'd never go back on it. Never-Ever-Never.
Call me weak. Call me a traitor. Call me a sinner. You can call me whatever you want but we've decided to take the 'easy' route. But that doesn't mean it was an easy choice to make - believe me, we did not (and maybe still don't) see eye-to-eye about this issue. But since we're here now, things have changed. They are what they are....
and tomorrow...er...today, I'll be swinging by my OBGYNs office to pick up some samples and a script.
Although I'm a tad reluctant and still a bit conflicted I am, selfishly, looking forward to the relief.
Labels:
birthcontrol,
the captain,
ttc
just the two of us
Friday, January 9, 2009
I'm not sure how to even begin this post but I have to put this out there - put it out into the universe, as they say.
Do you ever have conversations in your head? Discussions you imagine you're having with a person(s) but you know it will never happen in real life? Y'all do this, too. Right? Right??
A little back story - one year ago yesterday, the Captain had his accident. For reasons I'm sure you can guess, I can't go into too much detail. What I can tell you is that after the accident, he was left with 8 ruptured discs in his back and a torn ACL and a pretty banged up body. Needless to say, he's not been a very happy camper these past 12 months. But, we're truckin' along & doing what we need to in order to get him healthy again - and get our lives back on the track that was dealt a detour.
Fast forward to last week...I was having this imaginary conversation, no it was more of an argument...or an "i'm gonna rip your head off" from me towards someone else, a close family member. During this mind-game, I said/thought about the fact that the Captain almost died. Could have died. Didn't die. But the reality is that the kind of accident that it was - the potential for death was there. That was the first time in 12 months that I'd even let that word swarm my brain. Perhaps, as a friend said, it's because we've been in survivor mode...just trying to make sure that he is getting the care that he needs and is comfortable and able to maintain some sort of dignity throughout this ordeal. Sounds like a logical enough answer, so that's the one I'm going to reason with because I don't really want to dwell on it, obviously.
After this "realization" happened, I couldn't escape it. The "what ifs" started creeping into my head nonstop. And I started thinking about how things could've been different. The problem with all of this is - I am not that person. I am not (generally) one to go back and try to find the different path that should've been taken. I make it a goal of mine to be present where I'm at and deal with what's right in front of me at the moment. So this whole going back in time thing was driving me insane. And I refused to give into it.
So for 5 days, I delved into a book series and read all 4 books(future post). I kept myself closed off from my own mind but also from the Captain. He can tell with one look on my face when something is wrong and I did not want to, was not going to, tell him any of this. But then I was done reading. And I was left with nothing but my own thoughts - which can be a health hazard, I've decided.
My thoughts lead me to one huge conclusion and at a loss for how to share it with my husband. But I didn't have time to really think (see above: imaginary conversation) about how the talk would go down b/c it just hit me like a brick. I knew that when I woke up Wednesday morning, I wasn't right. I knew I was off. I knew I should have never even attempted to go into the office. And I knew that I wouldn't make it thru the day. And I didn't. And by noon, I was on my way home trying to figure out exactly how I was going to tell the Captain about what the hell was going on inside my brain.
My biggest fears were denial and rejection. I was afraid that when I told him what I was thinking, what I wanted, what I needed to happen going forward, that he would try to sway me a different direction and/or that he would outright reject me. I was reassuring myself that both of those things are completely out of character for him but you just never know.
He met me at the door, after he heard my car pull up into the driveway. And was immediately asking me if I was ok, was it work, what happened, what's wrong, why are you home? And I said yes, no, I don't know, nothing and give me a second to change my clothes because we need to talk. So at least the hard part was done, right? At least I had put it out there - we needed to talk. And you know whenever you hear "talk" from your spouse...it's not always a good thing. And I recognized that almost as fast as it had come out of my mouth, so I followed it with - nothing bad, just a discussion. Whew.
And this is pretty much how it went:
What's going on, he asks. I tell him about my wild imagination and my crazy fantasy conversation. And he reminded me again and again that he's not dead. He didn't die. He's still here. And it's plain silly for me to start thinking that way now. And he was right, and I knew that, so at least we were on the same page at this point.
But then came the hard part. The part that had been weighing heavily on me for a couple of days.
I told him that I basically felt cheated out of the last year. That 2008 was a farce. A year stolen from our marriage, from us. A time we will never get back. And it's only going to get longer...2008 may run into 2009 or 2010. I don't know. But I want it back. I want the time that we lost back. For all the things that we couldn't do, didn't do. For us. I need it back. After all this mess is over, I want to have a do-over. Frankly, I think we deserve a refund.
Ok, he says. (which meant that he had no idea what was coming next)
And then I told him. I told him the most selfish request I have ever had. I told him that I was done TTC. For 2009 and possibly longer. He didn't say anything but I saw his face turn a different shade of white. So, I had to reassure him that I didn't mean never. Of course, I still want to have a child(ren). That hasn't changed. But what has changed is that I need my time back with him. For us to be us again. To find some sort of normalcy again after all this shit has come and gone. I also submitted to him that I would understand if he didn't agree but that I wasn't in a place to compromise on this right now. And that I didn't know when I would be in that phase (TTC) again. That after almost three years of being in the TTC game, I was emotionally spent and the pressure had reached it's breaking point, I said. And that I just can't go diving into it again, head first, when all this fiasco is over. I can't and I won't. And I don't want to even talk time lines...no dates, no calendars, nothing, I finally finished.
He just stared at me for a couple of minutes. And I was bracing myself for the absolute worse. I hadn't been crying while I was telling him all of this and I was glad for that small miracle because I knew he wouldn't have been honest with me if I were a blubbering mess. He'd have spared me. And I didn't want to be spared.
But then he said what I was least expecting but had been waiting for him to say for the past 2.5 years as we've gone thru this infertility bullshit. I was beginning to wonder if he'd ever say it but I knew I needed to hear it.
I understand, he says. I understand 100% and I agree...about everything. No more baby talk. No more doctor appointments. More time for just us. And you have got to know that none of it, none of this matters, if it means I can't have you, he finished.
Cue sobbing. Tears. Ever flowing tears. Never ending tears.
He came and helped me off the ground (my knees had buckled from underneath me and I was on the floor) and shared a moment in silence. No talking, just absorbing what we'd both said and acknowledging our new but not permanent path.
And that was that. My mind has stopped spinning. My anxiety has subsided. We are just us.
And I can feel that I'm getting back to my little happy place again...a place I've been away from far too long.
Do you ever have conversations in your head? Discussions you imagine you're having with a person(s) but you know it will never happen in real life? Y'all do this, too. Right? Right??
A little back story - one year ago yesterday, the Captain had his accident. For reasons I'm sure you can guess, I can't go into too much detail. What I can tell you is that after the accident, he was left with 8 ruptured discs in his back and a torn ACL and a pretty banged up body. Needless to say, he's not been a very happy camper these past 12 months. But, we're truckin' along & doing what we need to in order to get him healthy again - and get our lives back on the track that was dealt a detour.
Fast forward to last week...I was having this imaginary conversation, no it was more of an argument...or an "i'm gonna rip your head off" from me towards someone else, a close family member. During this mind-game, I said/thought about the fact that the Captain almost died. Could have died. Didn't die. But the reality is that the kind of accident that it was - the potential for death was there. That was the first time in 12 months that I'd even let that word swarm my brain. Perhaps, as a friend said, it's because we've been in survivor mode...just trying to make sure that he is getting the care that he needs and is comfortable and able to maintain some sort of dignity throughout this ordeal. Sounds like a logical enough answer, so that's the one I'm going to reason with because I don't really want to dwell on it, obviously.
After this "realization" happened, I couldn't escape it. The "what ifs" started creeping into my head nonstop. And I started thinking about how things could've been different. The problem with all of this is - I am not that person. I am not (generally) one to go back and try to find the different path that should've been taken. I make it a goal of mine to be present where I'm at and deal with what's right in front of me at the moment. So this whole going back in time thing was driving me insane. And I refused to give into it.
So for 5 days, I delved into a book series and read all 4 books(future post). I kept myself closed off from my own mind but also from the Captain. He can tell with one look on my face when something is wrong and I did not want to, was not going to, tell him any of this. But then I was done reading. And I was left with nothing but my own thoughts - which can be a health hazard, I've decided.
My thoughts lead me to one huge conclusion and at a loss for how to share it with my husband. But I didn't have time to really think (see above: imaginary conversation) about how the talk would go down b/c it just hit me like a brick. I knew that when I woke up Wednesday morning, I wasn't right. I knew I was off. I knew I should have never even attempted to go into the office. And I knew that I wouldn't make it thru the day. And I didn't. And by noon, I was on my way home trying to figure out exactly how I was going to tell the Captain about what the hell was going on inside my brain.
My biggest fears were denial and rejection. I was afraid that when I told him what I was thinking, what I wanted, what I needed to happen going forward, that he would try to sway me a different direction and/or that he would outright reject me. I was reassuring myself that both of those things are completely out of character for him but you just never know.
He met me at the door, after he heard my car pull up into the driveway. And was immediately asking me if I was ok, was it work, what happened, what's wrong, why are you home? And I said yes, no, I don't know, nothing and give me a second to change my clothes because we need to talk. So at least the hard part was done, right? At least I had put it out there - we needed to talk. And you know whenever you hear "talk" from your spouse...it's not always a good thing. And I recognized that almost as fast as it had come out of my mouth, so I followed it with - nothing bad, just a discussion. Whew.
And this is pretty much how it went:
What's going on, he asks. I tell him about my wild imagination and my crazy fantasy conversation. And he reminded me again and again that he's not dead. He didn't die. He's still here. And it's plain silly for me to start thinking that way now. And he was right, and I knew that, so at least we were on the same page at this point.
But then came the hard part. The part that had been weighing heavily on me for a couple of days.
I told him that I basically felt cheated out of the last year. That 2008 was a farce. A year stolen from our marriage, from us. A time we will never get back. And it's only going to get longer...2008 may run into 2009 or 2010. I don't know. But I want it back. I want the time that we lost back. For all the things that we couldn't do, didn't do. For us. I need it back. After all this mess is over, I want to have a do-over. Frankly, I think we deserve a refund.
Ok, he says. (which meant that he had no idea what was coming next)
And then I told him. I told him the most selfish request I have ever had. I told him that I was done TTC. For 2009 and possibly longer. He didn't say anything but I saw his face turn a different shade of white. So, I had to reassure him that I didn't mean never. Of course, I still want to have a child(ren). That hasn't changed. But what has changed is that I need my time back with him. For us to be us again. To find some sort of normalcy again after all this shit has come and gone. I also submitted to him that I would understand if he didn't agree but that I wasn't in a place to compromise on this right now. And that I didn't know when I would be in that phase (TTC) again. That after almost three years of being in the TTC game, I was emotionally spent and the pressure had reached it's breaking point, I said. And that I just can't go diving into it again, head first, when all this fiasco is over. I can't and I won't. And I don't want to even talk time lines...no dates, no calendars, nothing, I finally finished.
He just stared at me for a couple of minutes. And I was bracing myself for the absolute worse. I hadn't been crying while I was telling him all of this and I was glad for that small miracle because I knew he wouldn't have been honest with me if I were a blubbering mess. He'd have spared me. And I didn't want to be spared.
But then he said what I was least expecting but had been waiting for him to say for the past 2.5 years as we've gone thru this infertility bullshit. I was beginning to wonder if he'd ever say it but I knew I needed to hear it.
I understand, he says. I understand 100% and I agree...about everything. No more baby talk. No more doctor appointments. More time for just us. And you have got to know that none of it, none of this matters, if it means I can't have you, he finished.
Cue sobbing. Tears. Ever flowing tears. Never ending tears.
He came and helped me off the ground (my knees had buckled from underneath me and I was on the floor) and shared a moment in silence. No talking, just absorbing what we'd both said and acknowledging our new but not permanent path.
And that was that. My mind has stopped spinning. My anxiety has subsided. We are just us.
And I can feel that I'm getting back to my little happy place again...a place I've been away from far too long.
Labels:
decisions,
the captain,
ttc
ah, 2009...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
can you be a better friend than 2008? Can we try to do this together, you know, like partners? Can we promise each other, right now, that you'll be a much friendlier, kinder year than your predecessor? Please?
As 2009 is just hours away, I can't help but think of what is to come. The Captain is one surgery down with a couple more to go (we think). We have some legal stuff to take care of next month (fingers crossed). And of course, who could forget that we're entering another year of baby-wanting-but-not-getting.
Speaking of (or typing of...?) TTC, it occurred to me that 2009 will probably not bring a baby. Now, I'm not saying it definitely won't happen. But I am being realistic. (The Captain would love that...me being a realist, instead of the dreamer I usually am.) I just don't see it happening. And not because we don't want it to, obviously. But I just don't think it's in the cards for us in 2009 (those of you who know us IRL kwim).
And you know what? I am strangely, almost frighteningly, at ease with this realization. That doesn't mean our desire isn't there or has just gone away. Or I won't feel as, oh I don't know, pissed at the world about our fertility problems. But perhaps since I recognize that '09 will (more than likely) not bring a mini-captain, the easier it will be for me to deal/cope with our situation? Maybe not? We'll see. Shrug.
Now, all of that being said...AF is late. I think it's just stress, as I'm not in the running. Kind of a cruel, tho not unusual, way to end the year, eh? Bwahahahahaha. Bitch. ;)
And just so y'all know, my only resolutions for 2009 are to smile more and laugh as often as possible and love with all that I have. (pshhhhht....you know you love it when I get all Hallmark-y on you!)
Be safe. Be merry. Be the star of the p-a-r-t-y!
Happy New Year!
As 2009 is just hours away, I can't help but think of what is to come. The Captain is one surgery down with a couple more to go (we think). We have some legal stuff to take care of next month (fingers crossed). And of course, who could forget that we're entering another year of baby-wanting-but-not-getting.
Speaking of (or typing of...?) TTC, it occurred to me that 2009 will probably not bring a baby. Now, I'm not saying it definitely won't happen. But I am being realistic. (The Captain would love that...me being a realist, instead of the dreamer I usually am.) I just don't see it happening. And not because we don't want it to, obviously. But I just don't think it's in the cards for us in 2009 (those of you who know us IRL kwim).
And you know what? I am strangely, almost frighteningly, at ease with this realization. That doesn't mean our desire isn't there or has just gone away. Or I won't feel as, oh I don't know, pissed at the world about our fertility problems. But perhaps since I recognize that '09 will (more than likely) not bring a mini-captain, the easier it will be for me to deal/cope with our situation? Maybe not? We'll see. Shrug.
Now, all of that being said...AF is late. I think it's just stress, as I'm not in the running. Kind of a cruel, tho not unusual, way to end the year, eh? Bwahahahahaha. Bitch. ;)
And just so y'all know, my only resolutions for 2009 are to smile more and laugh as often as possible and love with all that I have. (pshhhhht....you know you love it when I get all Hallmark-y on you!)
Be safe. Be merry. Be the star of the p-a-r-t-y!
Happy New Year!
i'm such a slacker
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Sorry for the lack of posting these days. I promise I'll pick back up once things get back to normal.
The Captain is recovering nicely; thank you for all your thoughts & prayers. We went back for his post op on Thursday and all is well. Yay! A little factoid about his surgery: he's now 1/2 inch taller! I'm shrinking and he's reaching for the sky. I'm just under 5'3 and he's officially 6'2 now. Oh, he's thrilled. And my neck is feeling strained. ;)
Obviously, nothing new on the TTC front. My lower back was aching yesterday, so I'm fairly certain AF will be here w/i the next 2 days. I will say that I am SO happy that my cycles are "normal" these days - one less thing to be worrying over. A bit ironic, though - I remember dreading AF before TTC, just b/c of the mess and inconvenience. But now, ah, what a site she is...at least until we start actively TTC again.
Hard to believe Christmas is this week. I'll be honest, it's not my favorite holiday. Never has been. Probably never will be. I'm not a Grinch tho, I promise. My folks are divorced and there was always a lot of shuffling during the holidays - never a lot of time spent with family and friends, uninterrupted. I don't blame my 'rents anymore. It was what it was - nothing can change that. But I do hope to create new traditions for our family, our children. Thursday will come. And Thursday will go. And I'll likely feel just the same on Friday as I did on Wednesday. And so it goes...
I do wish all of you a happy, healthy holiday season! May 2009 bring us joy, peace and perhaps some pitter-patter!
Muah!
The Captain is recovering nicely; thank you for all your thoughts & prayers. We went back for his post op on Thursday and all is well. Yay! A little factoid about his surgery: he's now 1/2 inch taller! I'm shrinking and he's reaching for the sky. I'm just under 5'3 and he's officially 6'2 now. Oh, he's thrilled. And my neck is feeling strained. ;)
Obviously, nothing new on the TTC front. My lower back was aching yesterday, so I'm fairly certain AF will be here w/i the next 2 days. I will say that I am SO happy that my cycles are "normal" these days - one less thing to be worrying over. A bit ironic, though - I remember dreading AF before TTC, just b/c of the mess and inconvenience. But now, ah, what a site she is...at least until we start actively TTC again.
Hard to believe Christmas is this week. I'll be honest, it's not my favorite holiday. Never has been. Probably never will be. I'm not a Grinch tho, I promise. My folks are divorced and there was always a lot of shuffling during the holidays - never a lot of time spent with family and friends, uninterrupted. I don't blame my 'rents anymore. It was what it was - nothing can change that. But I do hope to create new traditions for our family, our children. Thursday will come. And Thursday will go. And I'll likely feel just the same on Friday as I did on Wednesday. And so it goes...
I do wish all of you a happy, healthy holiday season! May 2009 bring us joy, peace and perhaps some pitter-patter!
Muah!
rambling
Thursday, July 17, 2008
so, i can't help but feel like i'm not part of the IF community right now. even though I know that i am. it's just kind of different knowing that while we're not necessarily TTA, we're not actively TTC either.
i really have tried to embrace this time and enjoy it as much as possible with the captain and work on some crafty stuff. but i still have all the same emotions i did when we were really workin' the TTC program. kwim? and i'm fairly certain that's probably normal.
i have decided to start charting (again) w/ my next cycle. hopefully that will give me a good baseline to go by in january when we crank it up again...assuming that everything goes as planned. ehm.
and speaking of next year...my lil' sister is getting married in april (yay!). does anyone else see the potential conflict here? any suggestions? would you wait until after the wedding to ttc? is it selfish of me if i don't? i mean, if i were to get pregnant in feb...i'd only be a couple of months along, so i don't think it'd be that big of a deal. well, other than the fact that i wouldn't be able to enjoy a bottle...er...glass of wine. i'll just sit on this until i order my dress in october.
oh! i've scheduled my annual for 7/30 & i'm very excited! i can't wait for dr. c to see how much weight i've lost since our last visit (may) and i'm eagerly awaiting the cbc he does; i know...weird. but he runs a pretty thorough panel once a year, so hopefully i'll have some positive changes in my numbers - hormones (multiple), blood sugar, liver enzymes, cholesterol, etc...
speak of the devil...my sis is calling! we'll chat more later....
i really have tried to embrace this time and enjoy it as much as possible with the captain and work on some crafty stuff. but i still have all the same emotions i did when we were really workin' the TTC program. kwim? and i'm fairly certain that's probably normal.
i have decided to start charting (again) w/ my next cycle. hopefully that will give me a good baseline to go by in january when we crank it up again...assuming that everything goes as planned. ehm.
and speaking of next year...my lil' sister is getting married in april (yay!). does anyone else see the potential conflict here? any suggestions? would you wait until after the wedding to ttc? is it selfish of me if i don't? i mean, if i were to get pregnant in feb...i'd only be a couple of months along, so i don't think it'd be that big of a deal. well, other than the fact that i wouldn't be able to enjoy a bottle...er...glass of wine. i'll just sit on this until i order my dress in october.
oh! i've scheduled my annual for 7/30 & i'm very excited! i can't wait for dr. c to see how much weight i've lost since our last visit (may) and i'm eagerly awaiting the cbc he does; i know...weird. but he runs a pretty thorough panel once a year, so hopefully i'll have some positive changes in my numbers - hormones (multiple), blood sugar, liver enzymes, cholesterol, etc...
speak of the devil...my sis is calling! we'll chat more later....
Labels:
infertility,
tta,
ttc,
waiting
change
Monday, June 9, 2008
within the last week or so my life has been filled with change...nothing too major but big enough to have an impact.
1. new boss - my boss, K, resigned and last Thursday was her last day. it was a sad day for me - for everyone involved; she will be missed. i met my new boss this morning - nice man...jury's still out.
2. ww - began weight watchers on Saturday. so far, so good. my next weigh-in is @ 6:30am Saturday morning...yes, i know i'm crazy for going that early but honestly, it's a great group and a great time to get the day started.
3. hair cut - i got my hair cut yesterday. i hate it. it's too short. i.HATE.it. and i thank G-d that my hair grows fast. thank G-d!
4. ttc - i think i've alluded to this but haven't actually spelled it out. the captain and i have had to put ttc on hold until at least January. although there are multiple reasons for this the main one is that i need to have 6 "normal" cycles before my dr feels comfortable with us proceeding using fertility treatments. i really am more "at ease" with this than i thought i was going to be...i guess after 27 months, what's 6 more? sigh.
5. not really a change but an annoyance. as y'all know, i have music playing for you to enjoy as you read along. you've probably noticed it hasn't changed in some time. let me be clear - this is not my choice! i would prefer to change my jams up about once a week...but PLAYLIST has other ideas. i've entered about 1000 different passwords - none seem to work; i've requested they send me a new one - nothing. NOTHING. and i'm getting pissed. so, i'm off to find a new plug and update my tunes.
peace!
1. new boss - my boss, K, resigned and last Thursday was her last day. it was a sad day for me - for everyone involved; she will be missed. i met my new boss this morning - nice man...jury's still out.
2. ww - began weight watchers on Saturday. so far, so good. my next weigh-in is @ 6:30am Saturday morning...yes, i know i'm crazy for going that early but honestly, it's a great group and a great time to get the day started.
3. hair cut - i got my hair cut yesterday. i hate it. it's too short. i.HATE.it. and i thank G-d that my hair grows fast. thank G-d!
4. ttc - i think i've alluded to this but haven't actually spelled it out. the captain and i have had to put ttc on hold until at least January. although there are multiple reasons for this the main one is that i need to have 6 "normal" cycles before my dr feels comfortable with us proceeding using fertility treatments. i really am more "at ease" with this than i thought i was going to be...i guess after 27 months, what's 6 more? sigh.
5. not really a change but an annoyance. as y'all know, i have music playing for you to enjoy as you read along. you've probably noticed it hasn't changed in some time. let me be clear - this is not my choice! i would prefer to change my jams up about once a week...but PLAYLIST has other ideas. i've entered about 1000 different passwords - none seem to work; i've requested they send me a new one - nothing. NOTHING. and i'm getting pissed. so, i'm off to find a new plug and update my tunes.
peace!
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