Yesterday was cd1. And I am in a bloody hell with the crimson wave. I am seriously in awe of what my body is doing right now...and not in a good way. And I'm having reminders of this time last year. My period has been increasing in its' intensity, length and pain. So...
This evening the Captain and I had a confab. One that I never thought we'd have to have again. And it revolved around two words: the pill.
I was on the pill for 10 yrs before I went quit taking the babyblocker in hopes of TTC. And I swore on my hair that I'd never go back on it. Never-Ever-Never.
Call me weak. Call me a traitor. Call me a sinner. You can call me whatever you want but we've decided to take the 'easy' route. But that doesn't mean it was an easy choice to make - believe me, we did not (and maybe still don't) see eye-to-eye about this issue. But since we're here now, things have changed. They are what they are....
and tomorrow...er...today, I'll be swinging by my OBGYNs office to pick up some samples and a script.
Although I'm a tad reluctant and still a bit conflicted I am, selfishly, looking forward to the relief.
Admin Control Panel
New Post | Settings | Edit HTML | Moderate Comments | Sign Out
Showing posts with label the captain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the captain. Show all posts
just the two of us
Friday, January 9, 2009
I'm not sure how to even begin this post but I have to put this out there - put it out into the universe, as they say.
Do you ever have conversations in your head? Discussions you imagine you're having with a person(s) but you know it will never happen in real life? Y'all do this, too. Right? Right??
A little back story - one year ago yesterday, the Captain had his accident. For reasons I'm sure you can guess, I can't go into too much detail. What I can tell you is that after the accident, he was left with 8 ruptured discs in his back and a torn ACL and a pretty banged up body. Needless to say, he's not been a very happy camper these past 12 months. But, we're truckin' along & doing what we need to in order to get him healthy again - and get our lives back on the track that was dealt a detour.
Fast forward to last week...I was having this imaginary conversation, no it was more of an argument...or an "i'm gonna rip your head off" from me towards someone else, a close family member. During this mind-game, I said/thought about the fact that the Captain almost died. Could have died. Didn't die. But the reality is that the kind of accident that it was - the potential for death was there. That was the first time in 12 months that I'd even let that word swarm my brain. Perhaps, as a friend said, it's because we've been in survivor mode...just trying to make sure that he is getting the care that he needs and is comfortable and able to maintain some sort of dignity throughout this ordeal. Sounds like a logical enough answer, so that's the one I'm going to reason with because I don't really want to dwell on it, obviously.
After this "realization" happened, I couldn't escape it. The "what ifs" started creeping into my head nonstop. And I started thinking about how things could've been different. The problem with all of this is - I am not that person. I am not (generally) one to go back and try to find the different path that should've been taken. I make it a goal of mine to be present where I'm at and deal with what's right in front of me at the moment. So this whole going back in time thing was driving me insane. And I refused to give into it.
So for 5 days, I delved into a book series and read all 4 books(future post). I kept myself closed off from my own mind but also from the Captain. He can tell with one look on my face when something is wrong and I did not want to, was not going to, tell him any of this. But then I was done reading. And I was left with nothing but my own thoughts - which can be a health hazard, I've decided.
My thoughts lead me to one huge conclusion and at a loss for how to share it with my husband. But I didn't have time to really think (see above: imaginary conversation) about how the talk would go down b/c it just hit me like a brick. I knew that when I woke up Wednesday morning, I wasn't right. I knew I was off. I knew I should have never even attempted to go into the office. And I knew that I wouldn't make it thru the day. And I didn't. And by noon, I was on my way home trying to figure out exactly how I was going to tell the Captain about what the hell was going on inside my brain.
My biggest fears were denial and rejection. I was afraid that when I told him what I was thinking, what I wanted, what I needed to happen going forward, that he would try to sway me a different direction and/or that he would outright reject me. I was reassuring myself that both of those things are completely out of character for him but you just never know.
He met me at the door, after he heard my car pull up into the driveway. And was immediately asking me if I was ok, was it work, what happened, what's wrong, why are you home? And I said yes, no, I don't know, nothing and give me a second to change my clothes because we need to talk. So at least the hard part was done, right? At least I had put it out there - we needed to talk. And you know whenever you hear "talk" from your spouse...it's not always a good thing. And I recognized that almost as fast as it had come out of my mouth, so I followed it with - nothing bad, just a discussion. Whew.
And this is pretty much how it went:
What's going on, he asks. I tell him about my wild imagination and my crazy fantasy conversation. And he reminded me again and again that he's not dead. He didn't die. He's still here. And it's plain silly for me to start thinking that way now. And he was right, and I knew that, so at least we were on the same page at this point.
But then came the hard part. The part that had been weighing heavily on me for a couple of days.
I told him that I basically felt cheated out of the last year. That 2008 was a farce. A year stolen from our marriage, from us. A time we will never get back. And it's only going to get longer...2008 may run into 2009 or 2010. I don't know. But I want it back. I want the time that we lost back. For all the things that we couldn't do, didn't do. For us. I need it back. After all this mess is over, I want to have a do-over. Frankly, I think we deserve a refund.
Ok, he says. (which meant that he had no idea what was coming next)
And then I told him. I told him the most selfish request I have ever had. I told him that I was done TTC. For 2009 and possibly longer. He didn't say anything but I saw his face turn a different shade of white. So, I had to reassure him that I didn't mean never. Of course, I still want to have a child(ren). That hasn't changed. But what has changed is that I need my time back with him. For us to be us again. To find some sort of normalcy again after all this shit has come and gone. I also submitted to him that I would understand if he didn't agree but that I wasn't in a place to compromise on this right now. And that I didn't know when I would be in that phase (TTC) again. That after almost three years of being in the TTC game, I was emotionally spent and the pressure had reached it's breaking point, I said. And that I just can't go diving into it again, head first, when all this fiasco is over. I can't and I won't. And I don't want to even talk time lines...no dates, no calendars, nothing, I finally finished.
He just stared at me for a couple of minutes. And I was bracing myself for the absolute worse. I hadn't been crying while I was telling him all of this and I was glad for that small miracle because I knew he wouldn't have been honest with me if I were a blubbering mess. He'd have spared me. And I didn't want to be spared.
But then he said what I was least expecting but had been waiting for him to say for the past 2.5 years as we've gone thru this infertility bullshit. I was beginning to wonder if he'd ever say it but I knew I needed to hear it.
I understand, he says. I understand 100% and I agree...about everything. No more baby talk. No more doctor appointments. More time for just us. And you have got to know that none of it, none of this matters, if it means I can't have you, he finished.
Cue sobbing. Tears. Ever flowing tears. Never ending tears.
He came and helped me off the ground (my knees had buckled from underneath me and I was on the floor) and shared a moment in silence. No talking, just absorbing what we'd both said and acknowledging our new but not permanent path.
And that was that. My mind has stopped spinning. My anxiety has subsided. We are just us.
And I can feel that I'm getting back to my little happy place again...a place I've been away from far too long.
Do you ever have conversations in your head? Discussions you imagine you're having with a person(s) but you know it will never happen in real life? Y'all do this, too. Right? Right??
A little back story - one year ago yesterday, the Captain had his accident. For reasons I'm sure you can guess, I can't go into too much detail. What I can tell you is that after the accident, he was left with 8 ruptured discs in his back and a torn ACL and a pretty banged up body. Needless to say, he's not been a very happy camper these past 12 months. But, we're truckin' along & doing what we need to in order to get him healthy again - and get our lives back on the track that was dealt a detour.
Fast forward to last week...I was having this imaginary conversation, no it was more of an argument...or an "i'm gonna rip your head off" from me towards someone else, a close family member. During this mind-game, I said/thought about the fact that the Captain almost died. Could have died. Didn't die. But the reality is that the kind of accident that it was - the potential for death was there. That was the first time in 12 months that I'd even let that word swarm my brain. Perhaps, as a friend said, it's because we've been in survivor mode...just trying to make sure that he is getting the care that he needs and is comfortable and able to maintain some sort of dignity throughout this ordeal. Sounds like a logical enough answer, so that's the one I'm going to reason with because I don't really want to dwell on it, obviously.
After this "realization" happened, I couldn't escape it. The "what ifs" started creeping into my head nonstop. And I started thinking about how things could've been different. The problem with all of this is - I am not that person. I am not (generally) one to go back and try to find the different path that should've been taken. I make it a goal of mine to be present where I'm at and deal with what's right in front of me at the moment. So this whole going back in time thing was driving me insane. And I refused to give into it.
So for 5 days, I delved into a book series and read all 4 books(future post). I kept myself closed off from my own mind but also from the Captain. He can tell with one look on my face when something is wrong and I did not want to, was not going to, tell him any of this. But then I was done reading. And I was left with nothing but my own thoughts - which can be a health hazard, I've decided.
My thoughts lead me to one huge conclusion and at a loss for how to share it with my husband. But I didn't have time to really think (see above: imaginary conversation) about how the talk would go down b/c it just hit me like a brick. I knew that when I woke up Wednesday morning, I wasn't right. I knew I was off. I knew I should have never even attempted to go into the office. And I knew that I wouldn't make it thru the day. And I didn't. And by noon, I was on my way home trying to figure out exactly how I was going to tell the Captain about what the hell was going on inside my brain.
My biggest fears were denial and rejection. I was afraid that when I told him what I was thinking, what I wanted, what I needed to happen going forward, that he would try to sway me a different direction and/or that he would outright reject me. I was reassuring myself that both of those things are completely out of character for him but you just never know.
He met me at the door, after he heard my car pull up into the driveway. And was immediately asking me if I was ok, was it work, what happened, what's wrong, why are you home? And I said yes, no, I don't know, nothing and give me a second to change my clothes because we need to talk. So at least the hard part was done, right? At least I had put it out there - we needed to talk. And you know whenever you hear "talk" from your spouse...it's not always a good thing. And I recognized that almost as fast as it had come out of my mouth, so I followed it with - nothing bad, just a discussion. Whew.
And this is pretty much how it went:
What's going on, he asks. I tell him about my wild imagination and my crazy fantasy conversation. And he reminded me again and again that he's not dead. He didn't die. He's still here. And it's plain silly for me to start thinking that way now. And he was right, and I knew that, so at least we were on the same page at this point.
But then came the hard part. The part that had been weighing heavily on me for a couple of days.
I told him that I basically felt cheated out of the last year. That 2008 was a farce. A year stolen from our marriage, from us. A time we will never get back. And it's only going to get longer...2008 may run into 2009 or 2010. I don't know. But I want it back. I want the time that we lost back. For all the things that we couldn't do, didn't do. For us. I need it back. After all this mess is over, I want to have a do-over. Frankly, I think we deserve a refund.
Ok, he says. (which meant that he had no idea what was coming next)
And then I told him. I told him the most selfish request I have ever had. I told him that I was done TTC. For 2009 and possibly longer. He didn't say anything but I saw his face turn a different shade of white. So, I had to reassure him that I didn't mean never. Of course, I still want to have a child(ren). That hasn't changed. But what has changed is that I need my time back with him. For us to be us again. To find some sort of normalcy again after all this shit has come and gone. I also submitted to him that I would understand if he didn't agree but that I wasn't in a place to compromise on this right now. And that I didn't know when I would be in that phase (TTC) again. That after almost three years of being in the TTC game, I was emotionally spent and the pressure had reached it's breaking point, I said. And that I just can't go diving into it again, head first, when all this fiasco is over. I can't and I won't. And I don't want to even talk time lines...no dates, no calendars, nothing, I finally finished.
He just stared at me for a couple of minutes. And I was bracing myself for the absolute worse. I hadn't been crying while I was telling him all of this and I was glad for that small miracle because I knew he wouldn't have been honest with me if I were a blubbering mess. He'd have spared me. And I didn't want to be spared.
But then he said what I was least expecting but had been waiting for him to say for the past 2.5 years as we've gone thru this infertility bullshit. I was beginning to wonder if he'd ever say it but I knew I needed to hear it.
I understand, he says. I understand 100% and I agree...about everything. No more baby talk. No more doctor appointments. More time for just us. And you have got to know that none of it, none of this matters, if it means I can't have you, he finished.
Cue sobbing. Tears. Ever flowing tears. Never ending tears.
He came and helped me off the ground (my knees had buckled from underneath me and I was on the floor) and shared a moment in silence. No talking, just absorbing what we'd both said and acknowledging our new but not permanent path.
And that was that. My mind has stopped spinning. My anxiety has subsided. We are just us.
And I can feel that I'm getting back to my little happy place again...a place I've been away from far too long.
Labels:
decisions,
the captain,
ttc
december, here we come!
Monday, November 24, 2008
Well, I cancelled my appointment for Friday w/ the new RE. Even tho it sucked that I had to do this, I did it because....
the Captain's surgery (one) has finally been scheduled for 12/05! Whoot,Whoot!! We are so excited! And nervous. And hopeful. And scared. But most of all, we are just thankful that it is finally happening. The doctors will be fusing discs in his neck and doing something* to his nerve blockers that will, hopefully, relieve some of the pressure in his back - where the other 6 ruptured discs are located. We'll see; we are crossing our fingers and praying this does what it is intended to do.
the Captain's surgery (one) has finally been scheduled for 12/05! Whoot,Whoot!! We are so excited! And nervous. And hopeful. And scared. But most of all, we are just thankful that it is finally happening. The doctors will be fusing discs in his neck and doing something* to his nerve blockers that will, hopefully, relieve some of the pressure in his back - where the other 6 ruptured discs are located. We'll see; we are crossing our fingers and praying this does what it is intended to do.
***
I also wanted to discuss a little bit about my previous post. I want to point out that in general, I am an extremely optimistic person - especially about battling infertility. I don't usually get too down about it and try to always see the silver lining. Though, I admit, it isn't always easy and I do succumb to the range of negative emotions that those of us w/ IF often endure.
*
That being said, I really tried to analyze my "prayer" even more....I know, I'm a dweeb. And what I got from it is that I have lost motivation to do the things that I enjoyed long before infertility was even a word in my everyday vocabulary.
*
I used to enjoy crafts, knitting, baking, sewing...I can go on and on. But I've found over the past 6 months or so, my liking of these sorts of hobbies has waned. And that is what I am trying to get back to....even if I have to force my hand to do it. I've printed out numerous patterns and projects for me to start on and I really think that will help get me back to me. And that's my goal for now.
*
(I also have something interesting to share with you out of one of the books I read a passage from nightly but I keep forgetting to make sure I have it with me. I'll try to get on tonight and post about it. Something to keep you coming back, perhaps. Hehe)
*
p.s. the spacing issue is really getting on my nerves. please, blogger, fix it. thx!
Labels:
crafts,
infertility,
surgery,
the captain
Easter
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Happy Easter, dear friends!
This morning I woke up feeling very refreshed (which, to be honest, was in itself kind of odd b/c I went to sunrise Mass @ 6:45am!). But it's true! I felt free...clean...new again. And that is what the Easter season brings - new beginnings and rebirths of all sorts.
"He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds." PSALM 147:3
While I was waiting for mass to begin, I read the weekly bulletin given to parishioners. Father always has a little something to say...and his Easter tribute seemed so fitting. Below is part of it:
"The tradition of the Easter egg comes from the Near East. The ancient Egyptians and the Persians exchanged decorated eggs at the spring equinox, which was the beginning of their new year. These eggs were symbols of fertility, because the coming forth of a live creature from an egg was so surprising to the people of ancient times....Rabbits were part of pre-Christian fertility symbolism because of their reputation to reproduce rapidly."
Hmm....Easter eggs and the Easter Bunny are both symbols of fertility?!?! Who knew? Sorry to cut this short - we're going to dye eggs tonight and even though the Captain doesn't know it yet -he's puttin' on some bunny ears!
This morning I woke up feeling very refreshed (which, to be honest, was in itself kind of odd b/c I went to sunrise Mass @ 6:45am!). But it's true! I felt free...clean...new again. And that is what the Easter season brings - new beginnings and rebirths of all sorts.
"He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds." PSALM 147:3
While I was waiting for mass to begin, I read the weekly bulletin given to parishioners. Father always has a little something to say...and his Easter tribute seemed so fitting. Below is part of it:
"The tradition of the Easter egg comes from the Near East. The ancient Egyptians and the Persians exchanged decorated eggs at the spring equinox, which was the beginning of their new year. These eggs were symbols of fertility, because the coming forth of a live creature from an egg was so surprising to the people of ancient times....Rabbits were part of pre-Christian fertility symbolism because of their reputation to reproduce rapidly."
Hmm....Easter eggs and the Easter Bunny are both symbols of fertility?!?! Who knew? Sorry to cut this short - we're going to dye eggs tonight and even though the Captain doesn't know it yet -he's puttin' on some bunny ears!
Labels:
easter,
fertility,
the captain
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
