mile marker 731

731 days of excitement mixed with 731 days of agony. 731 days playing the game to end up at 731 days of defeat. 731 days of hope to be followed by 731 days of loss. 731 empty days filled with 731 days of faith.

March 28, 2006. It seems like forever ago and just yesterday all in the same. Being infertile is an emotional roller coaster - you slowly work your way up to the top where you'll find out if your hard work has paid off...and then you come crashing down @ 200mph....bam! And somewhere in the middle, you get whiplash b/c life has just thrown you for a loop. Again. and Again. and Again.

There are days when I walk into a room full of mothers with kids running around and in an instant I feel like I've got the Scarlett letters "IF" painted on me; I have never felt more out of place. The loneliness of it all creeps up on you and you become overwhelmed with this sense of awareness that you stand alone.

Infertility has shaken my faith to it's very core. I am angry. I am hurt. I am saddened. I am jealous. I feel broken. I feel like a failure - as a child, as a wife and as a woman. I have "let go and let God" only to fall back into the same pattern of despair. This has consumed me and taken over nearly every part of my life, as it has the Captain's. And yet, I still cling to Hope.

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope implies a certain amount of despair, wanting, wishing, suffering or perseverance — i.e., believing that a better or positive outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary. [1]

Perhaps that is the one thing that keeps the thread from tearing completely b/c Infertility changes you. Forever.

*As gloomy as this post is, I just want you to know that I have a wonderful network of friends who are IF; THANK YOU CGWK!*

a little game of catch-up

I figured I'd better get you caught up to speed before I really start getting crazy with my posts...the Captain and I have been TTC since the spring of 2006. We tried on our own for one year and then we sought out Dr. C (whom I LOVE!) to help. I read TCYOF and learned more about my body than I ever wanted to know {a quick blurb about TCYOF - if you have a daughter this book is a must have; it will teach her everything she needs to know about her body and how it works}. I began charting and using OPK's. After I failed to get a "+" OPK 3 months in a row...and after having to rely on the assistance of progesterone to start AF during those same 3 months, I was diagnosed with the dreaded "I" word: Infertility.

Dr. C suggested we try Clomid. We did 4 rounds of Clomid, beginning with 50mg on cd3-7 and ending with two months @ 150mg on cd5-9. Each month, I went in for follicle scans (transvaginal ultrasound - sounds like fun, huh?) to see if any were growing to the recommended length and in turn, could "catch the egg" (link). I had no such luck; my follies, while large in number, were only growing to 13mm at most - not the needed 18mm. Further testing needed to be done.

In the fall of 2007, Dr. C referred me to an RE. It was then that I was diagnosed with PCOS & Type II Diabetes. I was prescribed Metformin and began taking 2000mg daily. Let me just take a second to tell you a little something about Met...it's a nasty, beast of a drug! It does vicious things to your colon/bowels and well, I'll spare you the details. Anyway...the Met will not only help control my insulin-resistance but will also help with the PCOS and infertility. Ok, so maybe it's the wonder drug!?!

So, where are we today? We're nearing 2yrs and we do have a plan. Right now, I will continue to take the Met b/c I am having issues with AF. Around August, we will begin taking Clomid again - with the Met. We do have a Plan B, a Plan C and even a Plan D but for now, it's one foot in front of the other.

In future posts, I will no doubt discuss the impact that being infertile has had on both myself and the Captain. A friend sent me a video about infertility; it was created to help friends and family understand the IF community's struggle. It is titled Tears and Hope.

**all of the acronyms I've used can be found to the left of the screen under "lingo"...and all words/titles with lines underneath them are links - click on the underlined word/title for more information**

Easter

Happy Easter, dear friends!

This morning I woke up feeling very refreshed (which, to be honest, was in itself kind of odd b/c I went to sunrise Mass @ 6:45am!). But it's true! I felt free...clean...new again. And that is what the Easter season brings - new beginnings and rebirths of all sorts.

"He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds." PSALM 147:3

While I was waiting for mass to begin, I read the weekly bulletin given to parishioners. Father always has a little something to say...and his Easter tribute seemed so fitting. Below is part of it:

"The tradition of the Easter egg comes from the Near East. The ancient Egyptians and the Persians exchanged decorated eggs at the spring equinox, which was the beginning of their new year. These eggs were symbols of fertility, because the coming forth of a live creature from an egg was so surprising to the people of ancient times....Rabbits were part of pre-Christian fertility symbolism because of their reputation to reproduce rapidly."

Hmm....Easter eggs and the Easter Bunny are both symbols of fertility?!?! Who knew? Sorry to cut this short - we're going to dye eggs tonight and even though the Captain doesn't know it yet -he's puttin' on some bunny ears!

Finally!

Well, I've been going on-and-on about starting a blog for months now (maybe even years?!) and I've FINALLY done it....kinda, sorta. I mean, I picked a URL and I picked a layout - so that has to count for something, right?

I'll be back later, after I ponder on what my first "official" post should include. And I promise, it'll be more interesting than this one. Promise.