Although I've mostly walked in the shadows

I'm still searching for the light

Won't you put your faith in me

We both know that's what matters

If you give me a chance I'll try

You see I've been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down

I've been reaching high always losing ground

You see I've conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb

And right now, right now I'm doing the best I can

At this point in my life

Tracy Chapman, At This Point In My Life

bittersweet taste

My 100th post. Oh, the irony.

I started this blog to reach out to others suffering from infertility and to share experiences...failures and triumphs. And today, I write to tell you that after almost nearly 3 years (33 months)...I've started back on the pill (more on that later).

I'd be a liar if I told you anything other than that there is, indeed, a sadness there....in that still- empty spot reserved for my own children; my own family. But there is also understanding and oddly enough, there is hope...and my hope shines thru my bitterness. At least for now. And that's all I can really ask for...just a bit of hope to gloss over the despair. I know the despair will continue to linger. And that's ok. I think. As long as I can hold onto the hope, I can live with the moroseness of infertility. So, I cling to it...the hope. Because that's all I have left. And that is not something I'm willing to give up. Not now. Not ever. I just can't.

And I won't. I'll try not to. For me. For the Captain. For us.

I wonder how I'm going to feel in 5 days? Will it be the same as last year? Or has so much changed that now everything is different? Ha. I just went back and reread that post...and I'm raising an eyebrow....in amusement.

Maybe somethings always stay the same.

going back on my word

Yesterday was cd1. And I am in a bloody hell with the crimson wave. I am seriously in awe of what my body is doing right now...and not in a good way. And I'm having reminders of this time last year. My period has been increasing in its' intensity, length and pain. So...

This evening the Captain and I had a confab. One that I never thought we'd have to have again. And it revolved around two words: the pill.

I was on the pill for 10 yrs before I went quit taking the babyblocker in hopes of TTC. And I swore on my hair that I'd never go back on it. Never-Ever-Never.

Call me weak. Call me a traitor. Call me a sinner. You can call me whatever you want but we've decided to take the 'easy' route. But that doesn't mean it was an easy choice to make - believe me, we did not (and maybe still don't) see eye-to-eye about this issue. But since we're here now, things have changed. They are what they are....

and tomorrow...er...today, I'll be swinging by my OBGYNs office to pick up some samples and a script.

Although I'm a tad reluctant and still a bit conflicted I am, selfishly, looking forward to the relief.

I have come curiously close to the end, down

beneath my self-indulgent pitiful hole.

Defeated,

I concede and move closer.

I may find comfort here

I may find peace within the emptiness.

Tool, Reflection

yea,yea. i suck. i know

i've been ignoring my blog.

things have been pretty mellow lately. which is nice. because between my sister's wedding and our upcoming court drama, the shit is soon to hit the fan.

so i'm enjoying the slow pace. for now.

played some dominoes over the weekend with the neighbors. then got sucked into playing 'sum dominoes' with the neighbor's daughter, S. dunno if you've ever played it but it's part of the math pentathlon. and if you want to be mindfucked, i recommend it. srsly. even tho the info-packet lists logic, among other things, as one of the objectives - there is absolutely no logic. and this bugs me. because i look for logic everywhere. but whatever. go forth 2nd graders. leave real dominoes to the grown-ups.

got some new tunes this weekend, too. don't tell the captain. he doesn't get my obsession w/ music and i don't want him all pissy. hehe. in case you're wondering and i know that you are, i grabbed this and this. really wanted this and briefly experienced heartfail when i couldn't find it. maybe next time. (ftr, i do still download music but i've gone back to my old habits of actually purchasing cds. i kinda missed 'em.)

until next time...peace.

Light Is More Important Than The Lantern

Light is more important than the lantern,
The poem more important than the notebook,
And the kiss more important than the lips.
My letters to you
Are greater and more important than both of us.
They are the only documents
Where people will discover
Your beauty
And my madness.

~Nizar Qabbani~

on running late

i woke this morning the the melodic sound of my black.berry. not the screeching shriek of my alarm clock. and what ensued at that point was pure hilarity to the Captain, I'm sure.

but you've been there. and you've done that. so i won't go into how i darted out of bed as if Satan himself was staring me in the face... i tripped over my own feet on my way to pee... i skipped the Lis.terine and just started vigorously brushing (which btw kinda makes me feel dirty)...threw my hair up in a bun and thanking g-d i remembered deodorant, i was out the door in 10 min flat.

without my coffee.

and the entire way to work, i was very verbally cursing the gods who decided that it was necessary to change the time twice a year. i mean, really. does it matter? it'll still get darker earlier or stay lighter later no matter what my clock says. so must they screw me all to hell and get my panties in a wad every fall and every spring?

and then, i heard this on the radio and was brought down off my pedestal (only a little tho)

Jokes.com

Paul F. Tompkins - Daylight Saving Time

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p.s. i'm totally diggin' the disheveled look, btw.