xvii

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Sonnet XVII, Pablo.Neruda

We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts, not breaths

-Phillip James Bailey

We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts, not breaths; 

In feelings, not in figures on a dial. 

We should count time by heart-throbs. He most lives 

Who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best. 

And he whose heart beats quickest lives the longest: 

Lives in one hour more than in years do some 

Whose fat blood sleeps as it slips along their veins.  

Life's but a means unto an end; that end, 

Beginning, mean, and end to all things—God.  

The dead have all the glory of the world.

The Layers, Stanley Kunitz

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.
When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.
Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?
In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
whereever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.
In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."
Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.
I am not done with my changes.

there's not much to say. i've been really busy with work. going to be traveling (for work) soon and i'm dreading it...timing could not be worse. but i work better under pressure and stress, so it'll all work out.

making plans to go skydiving in april. can't wait. another notch on the list.

got tix to go see this hilarious lady. if you have never seen her show...i have no words. genius.

shopping and packing for the big trip here. 23 days.

and in case you're wondering, yes. i am still mourning the loss of both my teams. there's always next year, boys.

****

wow.

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

-Oriah Mountain Dreamer

*i found this here a few days ago (after the author of the blog left a comment) and am still affected by it. i sense i will be for long while, as it makes me think about IF and so, so much more.

Into My Own

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,

So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,

Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,

But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day

Into their vastness I should steal away,

Fearless of ever finding open land,

Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,

Or those should not set forth upon my track

To overtake me, who should miss me here

And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew--

Only more sure of all I thought was true.

-Robert Frost

After A While

After a while you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn

that love doesn't mean leaning

and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn

that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up

and your eyes ahead

with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child

And you learn

to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight

After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure

you really are strong

you really do have worth

and you learn and you learn

with every goodbye, you learn...

-Veronica A Shoffstall

I really need to talk with you

I keep stepping on the vein

That keeps my lifeline flowing thru

I wanna be your perfect stick of glue

But I don’t feel perfect at all

Sad and insecure flaw

I find it hard to hold conversation

I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away

It's not you its strictly me in this situation

I’m wondering will it ever go away…just go away

sometimes I feel like weeping

awake and when I’m sleeping

perfecting how to put a game face on

this puzzle I’ve been keeping

has been in hiding creeping out the closet door

spilling out onto the floor

How long will I be picking up pieces

How long will I be picking up my heart

I’ll be as honest as I feel

I’m getting more paranoid and I’m hearing things

And they never turn out real

It feels like my heart is made of pure steel

It’s just so heavy all the time

Yea I’m scared of death

And I’m scared of living

I gave up on the past cause it’s unforgiving

I misplaced my trust

I watched my word begin to rust

I’m a balloon about to bust

I need a place for reliving

But sometimes I feel like weeping

awake and when I’m sleeping

perfecting how to put a game face on

this puzzle I’ve been keeping

has been in hiding creeping out the closet door

spilling out onto the floor

How long will I be picking up pieces

How long will I be picking up my heart

How long (in another space and time)

Will I be picking up pieces in the corner of my mind

How long (its getting oh so hard to find)

Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind

But I still walk on

Blue October, Picking Up Pieces

*i hate blogger and its lack of formatting skills. fuckers.

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated

I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that

I am Vindicated

I am selfish

I am wrong

I am right

I swear I'm right

I swear I knew it all along

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away

I am Vindicated

I am selfish

I am wrong

I am right

I swear I'm right

I swear I knew it all along

Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

Dashboard Confessional, Vindicated

Every Woman...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a youth she’s content to leave behind….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to
retelling it in her old age….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
a feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to fall in love without losing herself.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that she can’t change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust,
whom she can’t,
and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
where to go…
be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…
or a charming inn in the woods…
when her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…
a month…and a year…

--Pamela Redmond Satran

Do you ever get worried
And your load is hard to bear
And your life is like a sad sad story
No one nobody really cares

But if you ever need someone to talk to
And if you ever need a helping hand
I'll be your ship out on the ocean
I'll be your water in the desert sand

I've been there I've felt like you do
Feelin' like winter would never turn to spring
And everybody I know has got problems
But there's a solution to everything

And if you ever need someone to talk to
And if you ever need a helping hand
I'll be your ship out on the ocean
I'll be your water in the desert sand

And after you've found your way
You won't owe me nothin'
'Cause you're gonna know that your well
Will never run dry, never run dry

If you ever need someone to talk to
And if you ever need a helping hand
I'll be your ship out, your ship out on the ocean
I'll be your water in the desert sand
I'll be your water
And I will give you shelter
I'll be your water
I will be there for you
I'll be your ship out on the ocean
I'll be your water in the desert sand

Keb' Mo', I'll Be Your Water

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the day, saying I will try again tomorrow.

Mary Anne Radmacher

shared thoughts on the above from a dear friend: You try your hardest, you give it your all—and sometimes it won’t be enough and you’ll fail, but you’ll know that you tried, and you’ll be ready to try again. Being brave isn’t about not being afraid—it’s about facing your fears, embracing them and growing out of them.

So true.

Perhaps when you’re alone, at night, in your place
You will hear that someone calls you without you knowing who they are
And so you will learn, that there are things like the wind
That really exist, but you can’t see

And it is also possible that one haste filled afternoon
Like a flower blooms, you’ll feel an urge
And so you will learn that there are things like the river
That are always leaving, but they never leave

Or crossing the street, your laughing heart
Will remember a heartache you didn’t have yesterday
And so you will learn that there are things like dreams
Things that have never been, but that could

Even if you prefer to ignore these things
You will know why you sigh while listening to a song
And so you will learn that there are things like roses
Things that are beautiful, without knowing that they are

And during any afternoon, you’ll feel as though you have left
And an ashy breeze will be spread in your garden
And so you will learn that time and forgetting
Are the things that never end.

José Angel Buesa, Poema de las Cosas

thoughts on waiting

i beg you… to have patience with everything unresolved
in your heart and try to love the questions themselves
as if they were locked rooms or books written
in a very foreign language. don’t search for
the answers, which could not be given to you
now, because you would not be able
to live them. And the point is, to live
everything. live the questions now.
perhaps then, some day far in the
future, you will gradually,
without even noticing it, live
your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903; in Letters to a Young Poet

*provided by miss kc...i love and miss you. now go update your damn blog and let the world know who you are! ;)*