apparently, i don't do pink...of any kind.

Friday night we went here for good times with family and friends...and 'ritas. Had a blast and made promises to do it more often.

What's pink and purple and sparkly all over? A 3yro's birthday party, duh! We drove south for the frilly event and while we had a reasonably good time (see below) seeing old friends and hanging with family, I came away with a few observations. One: I found myself praying (more than once) that if we have a child(ren), I am not entirely certain I can handle a girl; two: if we are blessed with a girl, I hope she likes trees & chucks; three: I decidedly do not like the colors pink and purple. Oh and one more thing -"Pin Cinderella in the Window"?!?!?!? I guess the ass got the boot.

And of course, we were asked when we were going to start having babies. Now, I kind of expected this since we were at a kids' party but I also (kind of) expected the topic to be dropped when I said "you know, whenever. No rush." And it wasn't. And I had to restrain myself from junk-punching someone. What I really want to tell people and frankly, I think it's only a matter of time before I do, is "Our procreation, or lack thereof, is really none of your fucking business." THAT is what I wanted to say, but y'all know I didn't. She kept prodding and I nodded, plastered on a grin and said, "Here's the thing, sweetie, my ovaries don't work. So, if you know how to fix them, please, by all means, contact my doctor and let him know because he sure as hell can't figure it out." Cue end of conversation.

Not that this is breaking news or anything but everyone is full of expert opinions...until the details come out. Then they don't know what to say...and you know what? I don't give a flying spaghetti monster. I'm tired of making excuses for people not knowing any better (and I don't mean Darlene at the grocery store, I'm talking about people that you KNOW, family, close friends, etc...). And with that...

Thank you for your wonderful comments. Some of you posted on the blog and others e-mailed and/or called. All of you said that I wasn't a coward, and while I appreciate it, I do disagree with you. But that's okay; I am what I am...for now. Had an impromptu talk this weekend about our plans and the next steps, so we'll see what happens.

***

Saw Green.Zone. Liked it, had discussions about the motives of the movie and the message and recommended it to others. Flew solo Sunday afternoon and went to see Remember.Me...and left snotsobbing. Best movie ever? No, but it really was a good movie and I hope it gets the acclaim it deserves.

S*X*S*W also started last week and I am so excited! I hope* to be spending time at a few shows this week/end and cannot wait. Live music pwns me and this event is just epic. *I didn't purchase a wristband this year bc they were $750 for music ($1580 for media, music and interactive) and I'm kinda pissed about that. I remember when they were $75 back when I was in high school. I mean, shit, I live here for fuck's sake. Shouldn't we residents get some sort of break? Sadly, even my rage about pricing can't keep me away. But whatevs, I'll just pay a cover and wait in line.

It can only take a moment to waste the rest of your life. - Chuck Palahniuk, Snuff.

lingering thoughts

I've been wondering lately just how much influence we all have on each other. I mean, I know, in general, peer influence greatly impacts our decisions, be they right or wrong. But what about life choices, the things that will change your life forever? How are we influenced by those around us when it comes time to making resolutions...be it marriage, children, careers and the like.

I still read infertility blogs, though not as often. There's so much pain, so much devastation - only a portion of which we've experienced - and so many unanswered questions. And when I read my what my fellow IFers are dealing with, or not, I sometimes ask myself if I'm willing to jump back in and take the risk, again? Can I do it? Am I emotionally strong enough to potentially have to deal with the worst possible outcome(s)? The answer is, usually, not today, no; how cowardly of me. And so then, what? I look around and see all these women (and men) giving it their all, every ounce of what they have is poured into building a family but the cost, oh how the cost scares the shit out of me. What price am I willing to pay? What am I willing to, potentially, sacrifice? Because, although the goal is clear, the sacrifice can be so much larger than not bringing home a baby. And it can be infinitely smaller, depending on the outcome.

There's a strange, odd feeling I get when I ask these questions, as they go against nearly every fiber in my being. I am a life risk-taker, if you will. I have few fears that hold me back from doing the things I want. In general, I don't weigh my actions against the cost (there are, of course, exceptions). But this, this disease of infertility, it seems I am afraid to even try to conquer it. Afraid to even try.

But all of this relates to the influence we have on each other. I have friends who have lost a child, friends who have miscarried (still the loss of a child), and friends who have sought out adoption only to have the birth parent(s) change their mind. Each of those scenarios plays through my mind and they each leave arms empty. And hearts broken. And life is now forever changed. And that is why I am afraid to even try. I have been influenced by my friends, their stories and what I watch them go through during and after the storm. And I ask myself, can I do that?

I don't know. I'm not sure I can.

Yes, indeed, how very cowardly of me.

it's been months since i've looked at infertility blogs. but i decided to lurke again and see if anyone had made any successful progress in department of baby making. i visited a blog where i often lurked in the past and these literally made me pee my pants (courtesy of Mo and Will). Laugh! (no seriously, it's ok...i did. a lot.)

all of the sudden, out of no where it hit me like a ton of bricks today.  i haven't thought about infertility too deeply in several months.  

but i was sitting here watching a TOILET PAPER commercial of all things, and a little boy running thru the hall. and BAM. there it is....flood gates opened.  tbh, i'm seriously annoyed more than anything else.  i know that until we either do get pregnant and have a baby or until we decide what our familial future holds, i'll never be 'over' infertility...or at least have 'moved on'.  but shit. i was not expecting to just have a fucking breakdown unexpectedly.  and only one word comes to mind right now.  

FAILURE.

untitled

*Note: rated M for foul language.

Ick. Returning to work after 4 days off just plain sucks. There's no other way around it. The only good thing is that this will be a 3 day week...b/c I don't work on Friday's. (you can quit rolling your eyes and shooting daggers at me!)

Had a good weekend with my brother, j. He's at the age where everything is animated and dramatized. It's actually quite funny. What's even funnier is watching the Captain (34yrs) and my brother fight. Seriously. My husband thinks it's ok to argue like a l'il kid with a 13 yro...and I guess I do too. Because for a few days, I felt like I was 13 again. No worries, not a care in the world.

Until last night.

I was coming back from taking care of my neighbors' dogs (2 houses down) and ran into my other neighbor (next door/house in between). BMW (as we affectionately call him) is an older man, probably in his early 50's...maybe...he's also an Episco.pal priest. Nice guy. Anyway, we start talking and somehow get on the topic of religion. I remind him that I'm Cathol.ic (thru the course of our convo) and we start discussing how it's difficult sometimes to not only agree with everything that your church holds a position on but to practice it as well. I casually throw in the fact that the Captain and I are infertile (I'm thinking, no big deal. Right? I mean, shit, after almost 3 yrs, you'd think I wouldn't have a problem openly discussing IF). And I was then reminded as to why I don't just drop the infertility bomb w/o pre-screening my unsuspecting prey. Because during the next 5 minutes I hear:

1. Now that you've stopped trying, you'll get pregnant. I know so many people....blah, blah, blah (the hell? funny b/c I know ONE person that's happened to but whateva...)
2. Have you tried medication/treatments (are you f'ing kidding me? I just told you it's been almost 3 years, dumbass! WTF do you think?)
3. It'll happen when it's meant to happen; just relax. (wow, thanks for sharing your brilliance with me; that thought has never crossed my mind.)
4. How old are you? 29. Oh, you have plenty of time! Don't even worry about this now. You're young....you know, people are having babies into their 40's?! Just don't go off and have 8! Hahahahahaha!!! (yea, fucking ha. Ha.Ha. Motherf....)

At this point, all I can muster is a "thanks for your prayers. have a good night." Really, I thought I was past this shit of feeling like a failure month after month. I thought I had tucked it away until we were ready to try again. But no. That bastard reared it's ugly head last night and gave me one last final slap in the face.

And so I say, fuck you infertility. Fuck you and all the bullshit you bring. This will not happen again. I will not let you rain on my fucking parade and ruin me forever. I am resolving to move forward, knowing infertility is simply a part of who I am; not what defines me. And just like I can't change the color of my eyes (and really, why would I want to change my green beauties?), I can't let IF eat me up inside anymore. It is what it is.

And I will carry on.

december, here we come!

Well, I cancelled my appointment for Friday w/ the new RE. Even tho it sucked that I had to do this, I did it because....

the Captain's surgery (one) has finally been scheduled for 12/05! Whoot,Whoot!! We are so excited! And nervous. And hopeful. And scared. But most of all, we are just thankful that it is finally happening. The doctors will be fusing discs in his neck and doing something* to his nerve blockers that will, hopefully, relieve some of the pressure in his back - where the other 6 ruptured discs are located. We'll see; we are crossing our fingers and praying this does what it is intended to do.

***

I also wanted to discuss a little bit about my previous post. I want to point out that in general, I am an extremely optimistic person - especially about battling infertility. I don't usually get too down about it and try to always see the silver lining. Though, I admit, it isn't always easy and I do succumb to the range of negative emotions that those of us w/ IF often endure.

*

That being said, I really tried to analyze my "prayer" even more....I know, I'm a dweeb. And what I got from it is that I have lost motivation to do the things that I enjoyed long before infertility was even a word in my everyday vocabulary.

*

I used to enjoy crafts, knitting, baking, sewing...I can go on and on. But I've found over the past 6 months or so, my liking of these sorts of hobbies has waned. And that is what I am trying to get back to....even if I have to force my hand to do it. I've printed out numerous patterns and projects for me to start on and I really think that will help get me back to me. And that's my goal for now.

*

(I also have something interesting to share with you out of one of the books I read a passage from nightly but I keep forgetting to make sure I have it with me. I'll try to get on tonight and post about it. Something to keep you coming back, perhaps. Hehe)

*

p.s. the spacing issue is really getting on my nerves. please, blogger, fix it. thx!

hidden messages

Every night, after I'm finished reading and turn out the lights and right before I'm about to close my eyes and let my mind wander off into far away lands, I pray. Generally, I express my gratitude and then pray for specifics (ehm...my "wants"). And I'll be honest, I am usually drifting off by the time I'm finished. But last night, something different and weird happened.

When I closed my eyes to pray (everyone does this, right?), I saw the words of what I was praying about scrolling on a screen w/ an overlay of what I can only describe as bouncing speakers (think cartoonish). And a song was blaring over my thoughts. I mean BLARING! I could barely hear myself think. Now, I was awake - I was not asleep, this was not a dream - I was awake, lying in my bed, trying to pray. After a few minutes, I sat up and had a conversation with myself - asking it to stop. Begging it to stop. DEMANDING that it stop. It didn't. I gave up and tried to go to sleep but the song was still there - playing over and over and over. I dreamt about the song...and my prayer that never happened...it was a LONG night, as I kept waking up - only to fall back asleep w/ words scrolling and music blasting.

Odd.

And it continues today. The song is stuck in my head. I can't get rid of it. I am not one of those who reads into dreams - they are what they are, plain and simple. At least that's what I thought.

I got online this morning & looked up the lyrics so that I could read them and try to make sense of this confusion, my confusion. It's a popular song and I'm certain you've heard it many times. I read it once. Then again. And again.

And I realized I had been praying all along.

Wake Me Up Inside - Evanescense

How can you see into my eyes

Like open doors?

Lading you down into my core,

Where I've become so numb.

*

Without a soul,

My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold,

Until you find it there and lead it back

Home.

*

(Wake me up)

Wake me up inside.

(I can’t wake up)

Wake me up inside.

(Save me)

Call my name

and save me from the dark.

(Wake me up)

Bid my blood to run.

(I can’t wake up)

Before I come undone.

(Save me)

Save me from the nothing I've become.

*

Now that I know what I'm without,

You can't just leave me.

Breathe into me and make me real.

Bring me to life.

*

(Wake me up)

Wake me up inside.

(I can’t wake up)

Wake me up inside.

(Save me)

Call my name and save me from the dark.

(Wake me up)

Bid my blood to run.

(I can’t wake up)

Before I come undone.

(Save me)

Save me from the nothing I've become.

*

Bring me to life.

(I've been living a lie.

There's nothing inside)

Bring me to life.

*

Frozen inside without your touch,

Without your love, darling.

Only you are the life among the dead.

*

(All of this sight,

I can't believe I couldn't see

Kept in the dark

but you were there in front of me)

I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.

I've got to open my eyes to everything.

(Without a thought

Without a voice

Without a soul

Don't let me die here.

There must be something more).

Bring me to life.

*

(Wake me up)

Wake me up inside.

(I can’t wake up)

Wake me up inside.

(Save me)

Call my name and save me from the dark.

(Wake me up)

Bid my blood to run.

(I can’t wake up)

Before I come undone.

(Save me)

Save me from the nothing I've become.

*

Bring me to life.

(I've been living a lie.

There's nothing inside)

Bring me to life.

lame-o

i had a post topic in mind this morning & have completely forgotten what it was. crap.

but i do have a question - cd1 was on oct 27 & on cd20 (nov 15) i had EWCM & some mild/noticeable cramping on my right side. i am crossing my fingers that i O'd. but i'm kinda thinking cd20 seems late to be O'ing. i had EWCM on cd17 my previous cycle but felt no symptoms of ovulation.

i've read my TCYF book and i'm thinking this is pretty normal but my EWCM only lasts for MAYBE 2 days. last month it was just plain weird tho - i had EWCM on cd17 and then nothing until cd22.

i'm so confused....as usual. lol. thank goodness i have a dr appt this week. i just love being the patient who comes in with a blank look on her face while telling the RE "yes, we have been ttc for 2+ years. promise."

(sorry about the font changes. i really was getting tired of the spacing issues i was having and am trying to see how i like the "Arial")

cheers!

this past weekend, my friend jen gave me my very first blog award! this is what jen had to say about me:

Dana is my "soul sister." I love the music tracks on her blog when I open it up to see what she has going on in her world. We both are leading very parallel lives - especially as it pertains to Infertility. The biggest difference between us is that she's a conservative and I'm pretty much a bleeding hear liberal.... Her blog is honest and real and often features some of the most humorous conversations that I have ever heard between a person and the staff at her doctor's office. ;)

thanks, jen! I think you're pretty cool, too....even if you are a bleedin' heart liberal (shhh...don't tell anyone or my reputation will be screwed!)! most of y'all probably haven't read jen's blog b/c it's private. but jen is a fellow infertile who, too, is struggling to conceive her & her DH's first baby. jen, you are constantly in my prayers as we go thru this journey together. crossing my everythings that this month is the month. muah!

There is also a Meme that comes with the award!

1. Where is your cell phone? desk

2. Where is your significant other? sleeping

3. Your hair color? reddish-brown (one word!)

4. Your mother? punctual

5. Your father? tardy

6. Your favorite thing? blankie

7. Your dream last night? forgettable

8. Your dream/goal? happiness

9. The room you're in? office

10. Your hobby? sewing

11. Your fear? regret

12. Where do you want to be in six years? satisfied

13. Where were you last night? couch

14. What you're not? pushover

15. One of your wish list items? babe

16. Where you grew up? America

17. The last thing you did? pee ;)

18. What are you wearing? undergarments

19. Your T.V.? sports

20. Your Pet? psycho

21. Your computer? addicting

22. Your mood? mild

23. Missing someone? jake

24. Your car? tahoe

25. Something you're not wearing? shoes

26. Favorite store? francesca's

27. Your Summer? HOT

28. Love someone? yep

29. Your favorite color? green

30. When is the last time you laughed? sunrise

31. When was the last time you cried? sunset

there are so many blogs i frequent and most of them are private. but i've decided on one blog & i'm going to pass this award on to jade:

jade & i crossed paths on a message board. we were both posting on a thread that questioned religions (we're both catholic) and we started noticing we had A LOT in common. after multiple e-mails, it was confirmed that jade is my long, lost lebanese sister! jade has the best sense of humor and her blogging is honest and uncut. she has an adorable son, houston, who is h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s! check her out!

cheers!

back to the RE

finally got a call back from my dr C's office about my lab results. apparently my glucose came back too high (110), so i'm being sent back to the RE. damn.

i called and made an appt w/ an RE who came highly recommended (w/ results...haha). so, i'm booked for 11/21 @ 10am. they want me to fill out a form so they can check my insurance coverage...bwahahahahahahahaha! ok, not so funny.

fun times, friends. fun times.

yesterday was cd1! that means i had a 28 day cycle...but more importantly, that means i have now had 4 cycles in a row that came "on their own". nan-nan-a-boo-boo!

last week i got a call from my dr. c's office; here's the convo:

nurse: hi dana, this is nurse blah-blah from dr c's office.
me: hello? (and why are you calling?)
nurse: we rec'd your refill request for the metformin and it's time for you to come back in and have your 3 month lab test done.
me: my what?
nurse: your 3 month blood test to check your kidney & liver function.
me: are you sure you're calling the right patient? there's nothing wrong w/ my kidney's or my liver.
nurse: well, you are on metformin, correct?
me: correct.
nurse: your last lab was july, you're overdue.
me: overdue for what?
nurse: (((SIGH))) your kidney & liver check....required when you take metformin.
me: uh.......

the conversation continued for a few minutes as we went back & forth. mainly me denying that i needed that test. b/c see, the thing is, i haven't EVER had one of those tests. my last test in july was my annual CBC - my dr does it every year, for every patient, @ their annual visit. so, you can see why i was perplexed.

uberlong story short, when you are on met, you are supposed to have this kidney/liver test done every 3 months (according to the nurse, who i'm assuming got that info from my dr - so i have no reason to doubt her. ehm.) .

and it's not that i do doubt her. it's that for a year, i've been taking met...the max dosage....2000mg a day. so, it's kinda worrisome to hear that i should've been checking my organs to make sure they're not dysfunctional (at least some of my organs, anyway). so, of course, the next two days i sat and thought about all the things wrong w/ me over the past year and wondered if they could be attributed to my kidney's or liver. but nothing stood out. good.

on friday i went to the lab. i was running late and starving - so i called the lab to find out if i needed to fast for this test. i was told no (and yes, the thought did cross my mind that maybe the lab tech didn't really know if this was a fasting test but you know me, trustworthy & all).....

and then i get a call yesterday - and look at the caller id "Austin Area OBGYN"...and i think shit, shit, shit....this cannot be good. nurse blah blah calls back to tell me that my sugars were higher than in july (110 v 105) and needs me to come in again. asks if i was fasting, just to "confirm". um, nope. did.not.fast.was.told.not.to.fast.

and so i'm here...waiting for a call back to see if i need to go retest. it's really not a big deal, just more of an annoyance. and there goes dr c's 10 year perfect record of outstanding-never-miss-anything-always-on-the-ball service. damn.

NIAW Cont'd....The GOOD!

so, today i'll post about the "good" of infertility. i know you must be asking yourself what good can come from being infertile but there are a few things. and this one has been life changing:

as i've previously stated, being infertile changes a person but it also changes those around you. you slowly notice that people stop calling, especially if they are starting their own families. and really, i completely understand. for most of us, our lives nearly come to a screeching halt when we are diagnosed with infertility. time is spent going to the dr, taking meds, timing sex etc...and in turn we, too, lose touch with the "outside world." and after a while, even i get tired of hearing myself talk about not getting a BFP, the side effects of the drugs i'm on, my raging hormones, the depression that slowly sinks in month after month - so i don't expect my friends to want to hear about it either.

so, i turned to and truly embraced the capabilities of the world wide web.

and then i found them. women in waiting. my sisters in this fight.

i will NEVER be able to fully express to you my gratitude to these women. women who don't even know me! but day after day, they offer their unending support of encouragement, inspiration, thoughts, advice....oh, how the list goes on.

if you take a peek a the long list of blogs i follow (to your right), you will see a few. but there a few who deserve to be called out - some of which i have used code names (they know who they are) to protect their innocence (hehe):

beth
jen
lori
sarah
&
singing bird*

i have known some of you longer than others but i need y'all to know that without you, i can honestly say i do not know where i would be today, two-&-a half years into this journey. each of you, in your own way, feed my soul with your friendship and kindness. i am eternally grateful for having met you.

and tonight, i thank you.

*not infertile but totally belongs in this post of giving thanks.

NIAW - Cont'd....kinda

so, i said i'd try to do a "post a day" this week about the good, bad and ugly of infertility. but i think that was a bad idea. for the most part, my horse is already dead and i really don't feel like beating it anymore. i mean, do you really want to hear about how....

i never thought seeing pregnant women would bother me? it does.

or how passing by an elementary school while the kids are running around @ recess can send me bursting into tears? it does.

oh, i know! did i ever stop to think that i'd be in my 30's before i had my first child (late 20's maybe...)? no, but it's looking that way.

was i able to accomplish all my life's goals that seemed so effing important before having a baby? no.

and does that really matter now? no.

or the thoughts that i ponder regularly:

• was it really necessary that i freaked out when i forgot my pills on a road trip 5 yrs ago?
• moreover, why was i so insistent that i stay on the damn pill after we were married?
• is this thing they call infertility my punishment for "not wanting them yet" the first 3.5 yrs of our marriage?

these are only some of the musings in my little brain...i do have to save something to post about later. but i do have one last question for you -

do you wonder if i've lost hope?

no, not yet.

WAVE OF LIGHT

I have not lost a pregnancy, nor have I lost an infant. But I have (too) many friends who have. Tonight, my candle is for you and your babies.

Peace.

another one?

i got an e-mail today from a guy i went to high school with titled "it's another girl!". yes "another". i have to admit, while i'm excited for him and his wife, there is a tiny piece of my heart that is devastated.

who am i kidding? there's a huge part of me that is devastated.

and in the next 3 months, we will be receiving more birth announcements than i have space on my fridge. we are officially the only childless couple in our circle of married friends. it sucks. and even though b/c of my cycle issues and the other situation that i cannot blog about are keeping us from actively TTC until early '09, it still sucks.

for the most part, i really strive to be upbeat about all this IF crap. i mean, i really make a concerted effort to not wallow in my sorrows. where does wallowing ever get you anyway? but yesterday was one of those days. you know them...the days when it takes every ounce of energy you have to get out of bed and face the world and all the bullshit that is thrown at you. when it takes everything you've got to sift through the minutia of everyday life. when you realize that you're a failure at the one thing that seems so basic...the one thing that should be an automatic in life. that was my day yesterday. and i know there will be more of them but i pray i don't have another one of those days for a while. i know He has a plan.

i must say, i am grateful on most days that we aren't actively TTC b/c of the situation that i cannot blog about (and really, THAT sucks) b/c it is so stressful and i cannot imagine trying to do both right now, it's still a hard pill to swallow. (i hope that made sense.)

to all my friends who have children and/or are about to expand their family, we are absolutely thrilled for you! and congratulate you on your blessings.

to all my IF friends (and one that is not IF, you know who you are), thank you for helping me get through days like yesterday; without you i honestly do not know what shape i'd be in.

peace.

insurance debacle...cont'd

after i figured out that my insurance company doesn't cover much in the realm of infertility, i started doing some more digging around.

what i found only made me even more angry. (as if that were even a possibility)

apparently, texas has a law on the books that mandates insurance companies make available the OPTION for an employer to choose coverage for infertility. so, that means my anger has been misguided, kinda. and now it's directed towards my employer. and for those of you who know who that is...yes, i had a good laugh, too. assholes.

i should point out that we're not even to the point of either IUI or IVF, yet. i mean, once we get the green light (remember, we're on a sabbatical until jan '09), we've decided to do at least 3 months of monitoring and drug therapy. after that, we've discussed IUI w/ injectables. but that's as far as our discussions have gone. or perhaps that's as far as we're allowing our minds to wander. either way, it's still as upsetting knowing that none of this will be covered by anything other than our bank account...dwindle, dwindle.....

***

AF started this week....told ya i wasn't pregnant. i wonder if i'll ever get back to the point of being so excited, i can't hardly wait to POAS? doubtful.

***

completely off-topic but am i the only one who experiences punctuation issues (specifically spacing) with blogger? it's driving me insane!

i'm sorry, what was that?

*warning: language

part 1

while i was checking out @ my annual, the nurse asked me if i'd like her to call my insurance company & ask what my "infertility care" benefits were. knowing they probably weren't great , i decided why not, i'll spare myself the frustration. right?

wrong.

i received a letter in the mail from my dr's office about a week later. here's a summary:

"...we were told you have limited benefits and are not fully covered for infertility treatment....Excluded services will include IUI's, sperm wash and HCG injections."

it gets better...

"These charges (see above) must be paid at the time of your visit and will be discounted 20%. To assist you in planning, we have enclosed a fee schedule."

forget frustration! i was (am) livid! so, what better thing to do when you are livid and your eyes are popping out of your head but call the insurance company? oh what a lucky day it was for the rep on the other end of the line. this was our conversation:

me: i just got a disturbing letter from my OBGYN's office. i have a couple of questions regarding my "infertility care."

rep: ok. what can i help you with?

me: all of it.

rep: i'm sorry?

me: i want a full explanation as to why you don't cover anything other than the diagnosis of infertility. please explain my coverage, or lack thereof, for fertility drugs and treatment.

rep: well, we do cover the drugs....as long as they're not used directly prior to and to aid an IUI or IVF.

me: what? you'll cover them as long as i don't use them for IUI or IVF?

rep: yes.

me: and why don't you cover IUI or IVF?

wait for it...

rep: because both are considered experimental.

me: you're shitting me?

rep: i'm sorry. what was that?

me: you've got to be SHITTING me!?! ((( EXPERIFUCKINGMENTAL?))) in 1978, the first successful IVF baby was born but IVF history goes back further and even further is when the first IUI was performed (see here). so you tell me? how the hell can IVF and IUI still be classified as "experimental"?

rep: i can't answer that ma'am. but our coverage changes annually; feel free to call back to see if it's been updated. i'm truly sorry ma'am.

me: yea, me too.

********************************

part 2

i've been slowly compiling research on infertility. i've read that 1 in 6 couples are infertile. ONE in SIX. that means there is someone in your life who is infertile. that means this is not an uncommon diagonsis. that means this isn't some obsure condition. what that means is that infertility treatment needs to be mandated and insurance companies need to be forced to offer coverage just like any other medical condition!

shortly after i had that conversation with my insurance company, i was reading Infertility Diaries, a blog on Redbook's website, written by Jen from Maybe If You Just Relax. Jen did a post about the lack of coverage for infertility treatments. Jen is very lucky in that she does have some coverage. Here's an excerpt that thru me for a little loop-de-loop & gave me whiplash:

So imagine my surprise when I get my explanation of benefits...
Total Charges for IVF #1: $14,650
Total Paid by Insurance: $4,750
Total Patient Responsibility: $350

are you reading that correctly? do you see that? do you see that for ME, an infertile without coverage, i would have to pay upwards of 15G's for ONE cycle of IVF. but those motherf'ers...i mean, insurance companies, only have to pay $5K?

oh, yea. i'm bending over alright. assholes.

but being the person that i am, i look to the brighter side of things. i like to think of life as a glass half full...which is why i'm ever-so-thankful that my OBGYN has offered to give me a 20% discount.

@@

to be continued....yes, there's more.

mini-update

spent the yesterday/night in the ER w/ the captain. some sort of "strange bug". horrible symptoms. poor guy; can't catch a break. he's home recovering.

currently on cd26. no signs of AF...no back pain, no leg pain, no cramping. all of this to say, i'm not expecting to be pregnant....

also got an update regarding my insurance and infertility coverage...post coming. oh yes, you should indeed check back.

going to catch up on some work...will bbl to post more.

ah, jerry

i suppose after my recent mini-rant about jerry, i should offer my congrat's. so, congrat's to jerry & rebecca, who are expecting not one but two babies! two....2....1+1....freaking twins!

so, why couldn't they just say that in the first place? why make a fuss about "trying" & being "lucky enough"? lucky? wtf? why not just come out and say that you're expecting....or don't say anything at all? blech.

but here's the kicker: a "source" felt compelled to add that "The twins were conceived without the help of in vitro fertilization or the fertility drug Clomid..." and so what if they were? so what if they needed a little nudge? was it necessary to make it known that they needed no reproductive assistance? seriously? again...why not just keep your trap shut? double blech. blech.

TBH, i really feel for celebrities who are constantly defending what they choose to do with their womb. i mean, is nothing sacred? and then there are those who just blab...blab...blab and make it increasingly difficult for me to swallow my morning joe.

and since i enjoy a bit of self-torture now & again, i know i'll be keeping up with their pregnancy...just like i do all the others.

cd1

stop the presses!

guess who graced me with her presence this morning? yep, auntie flo arrived! i won't lie - i did a little happy dance, too. this is HUGE! normally, my cycles are 40+ days long. and today would've been cd26 (cd29 if i'm counting the bit of breakthru bleeding that occurred prior to full AF last cycle). so, i guess the weight loss (-14.6 lbs, btw) combined w/ the met/clomid combo is normalizing my cycles (yes, i did just use the word "normal" and "my" in the same sentence, sounds weird to me, too!). the only downside is the severe lower back pain i've been having, the leg pain and cramping - all of which are the very reasons i went on the pill 12yrs ago.

as i said earlier, my annual is scheduled for next wednesday. i don't think dr.c will want to reschedule (for some reason i remember being told it's ok to be on AF) but i'll call monday and make sure.

let the charting commence!