sum it up thursday

My Grandpa said to me,
"Grandson sit down we need to talk.
In life, there may be times when it gets hard to walk the walk.
It's easier to take the path that most have traveled on,
But then again sometimes to do what's right you must walk alone."

"Some people are unkind to those who see things different.
We've all felt pain in ways it hurts to even bring it up...
But that don't mean that we should take this motion lying down...
I'll stand and fight until the day they put me in the ground."

And Lord,
it's a lonely road, Ooh,
When this world burns down
Deep in your soul...
You will find there's a peace left in mind,
You will find there's a peace to find.
(Peace to find)

"And now I've taught you all I know,
So take this seed and let it grow.
(So take this seed and let it grow)
So take this seed and let it grow.
Though I'm here now,
soon I'll be gone I did what I can to try it make you strong
(I did what I can to try it make you strong)
(And I see that you're strong)"

And Lord, it's a lonely road, Ooh,
When this world burns down
Deep in your soul...
(This world burns down, deep in your soul)
You will find there's a peace left in mind,
You will find there's a peace to find.

And Lord, it's a lonely road.
(Such a lonely road)
And Lord, it's a lonely road.
(Hey, it's a lonely road)
And Lord, it's a lonely road.
And Lord, it's a lonely road

Lonely Road, RJA

xvii

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Sonnet XVII, Pablo.Neruda

apparently, i don't do pink...of any kind.

Friday night we went here for good times with family and friends...and 'ritas. Had a blast and made promises to do it more often.

What's pink and purple and sparkly all over? A 3yro's birthday party, duh! We drove south for the frilly event and while we had a reasonably good time (see below) seeing old friends and hanging with family, I came away with a few observations. One: I found myself praying (more than once) that if we have a child(ren), I am not entirely certain I can handle a girl; two: if we are blessed with a girl, I hope she likes trees & chucks; three: I decidedly do not like the colors pink and purple. Oh and one more thing -"Pin Cinderella in the Window"?!?!?!? I guess the ass got the boot.

And of course, we were asked when we were going to start having babies. Now, I kind of expected this since we were at a kids' party but I also (kind of) expected the topic to be dropped when I said "you know, whenever. No rush." And it wasn't. And I had to restrain myself from junk-punching someone. What I really want to tell people and frankly, I think it's only a matter of time before I do, is "Our procreation, or lack thereof, is really none of your fucking business." THAT is what I wanted to say, but y'all know I didn't. She kept prodding and I nodded, plastered on a grin and said, "Here's the thing, sweetie, my ovaries don't work. So, if you know how to fix them, please, by all means, contact my doctor and let him know because he sure as hell can't figure it out." Cue end of conversation.

Not that this is breaking news or anything but everyone is full of expert opinions...until the details come out. Then they don't know what to say...and you know what? I don't give a flying spaghetti monster. I'm tired of making excuses for people not knowing any better (and I don't mean Darlene at the grocery store, I'm talking about people that you KNOW, family, close friends, etc...). And with that...

Thank you for your wonderful comments. Some of you posted on the blog and others e-mailed and/or called. All of you said that I wasn't a coward, and while I appreciate it, I do disagree with you. But that's okay; I am what I am...for now. Had an impromptu talk this weekend about our plans and the next steps, so we'll see what happens.

***

Saw Green.Zone. Liked it, had discussions about the motives of the movie and the message and recommended it to others. Flew solo Sunday afternoon and went to see Remember.Me...and left snotsobbing. Best movie ever? No, but it really was a good movie and I hope it gets the acclaim it deserves.

S*X*S*W also started last week and I am so excited! I hope* to be spending time at a few shows this week/end and cannot wait. Live music pwns me and this event is just epic. *I didn't purchase a wristband this year bc they were $750 for music ($1580 for media, music and interactive) and I'm kinda pissed about that. I remember when they were $75 back when I was in high school. I mean, shit, I live here for fuck's sake. Shouldn't we residents get some sort of break? Sadly, even my rage about pricing can't keep me away. But whatevs, I'll just pay a cover and wait in line.

It can only take a moment to waste the rest of your life. - Chuck Palahniuk, Snuff.

lingering thoughts

I've been wondering lately just how much influence we all have on each other. I mean, I know, in general, peer influence greatly impacts our decisions, be they right or wrong. But what about life choices, the things that will change your life forever? How are we influenced by those around us when it comes time to making resolutions...be it marriage, children, careers and the like.

I still read infertility blogs, though not as often. There's so much pain, so much devastation - only a portion of which we've experienced - and so many unanswered questions. And when I read my what my fellow IFers are dealing with, or not, I sometimes ask myself if I'm willing to jump back in and take the risk, again? Can I do it? Am I emotionally strong enough to potentially have to deal with the worst possible outcome(s)? The answer is, usually, not today, no; how cowardly of me. And so then, what? I look around and see all these women (and men) giving it their all, every ounce of what they have is poured into building a family but the cost, oh how the cost scares the shit out of me. What price am I willing to pay? What am I willing to, potentially, sacrifice? Because, although the goal is clear, the sacrifice can be so much larger than not bringing home a baby. And it can be infinitely smaller, depending on the outcome.

There's a strange, odd feeling I get when I ask these questions, as they go against nearly every fiber in my being. I am a life risk-taker, if you will. I have few fears that hold me back from doing the things I want. In general, I don't weigh my actions against the cost (there are, of course, exceptions). But this, this disease of infertility, it seems I am afraid to even try to conquer it. Afraid to even try.

But all of this relates to the influence we have on each other. I have friends who have lost a child, friends who have miscarried (still the loss of a child), and friends who have sought out adoption only to have the birth parent(s) change their mind. Each of those scenarios plays through my mind and they each leave arms empty. And hearts broken. And life is now forever changed. And that is why I am afraid to even try. I have been influenced by my friends, their stories and what I watch them go through during and after the storm. And I ask myself, can I do that?

I don't know. I'm not sure I can.

Yes, indeed, how very cowardly of me.

hello monday...

happy monday! so...nothing too exciting happening with me (for a change). today is International Women's Day, so congratulate the women in your life for what they've accomplished in this world of glass ceilings...social, political and economical. we've got a long way to go but we're getting there (congrats kathryn.bigelow).

went to see Alice.in.Wonderland (in 3D) Friday night and was blown away. not so much by the story or the acting, but the new technology in film is simply amazing and i was stunned and in awe. spent Saturday down in Corpus celebrating my nephew's 3rd birthday. and let me just say this - 4hrs with 12 3yros...actually, i probably don't even have to say anything. you can guess.

am planning on my next trip - or trying to. we'll see. i should know more this week. i owe y'all some stories and i'm working on it. rather than type it out 100x and to 100 different people, i'm in the midst of creating a mass e-mail and will post it once i'm done. as for the pictures, i'll probably provide a link to the album for my family and friends. and i'll let you know when that's available and you can PM me and request the link.

i can't believe it's already march. only 5 more months until my next drs appt...only 5 more months until some decisions will have to be made. 5 months.

**

Sometimes I feel that life is passing me by, not slowly either, but with ropes of steam and spark-spattered wheels and a hoarse roar of power or terror. It's passing, yet I'm the one who's doing all the moving. ~Martin Amis, Money

In that book which is
My memory . . .
On the first page
That is the chapter when
I first met you
Appear the words . . .
Here begins a new life

La Vita Nuova, Dante Alighieri

****

side note: I'd like to post some pics but am a little worried about them being used by others. Is there a way to 'lock' them?