on being thankful

ah...things to be thankful for...a little late, i know.

i'm thankful for:

my husband - he puts up with all of my shit and even though there are days where my mind swirls with doubt, he is my constant in the darkness.

my friends - without them, i don't know where i'd be. i have several friends from very different circles and each of them plays a huge role in my life. and to my bestie, i don't know what the fuck i'd do without you. seriously. you are a lifeline.

my family - we kick, scream and fight. but you'll always be there, this i know.

my legs - for not giving up on me as i try to become a runner. don't get any ideas, jogging is working just fine right now.

my lungs - see above. even though i torture you.

my liver - for allowing me to enjoy life, even though i put you thru hell.

music - has saved me in ways that i can't even describe.

and for the first time, in a long time, i am thankful that i have accepted that maybe it just wasn't our time. yet...maybe...next year...or ten down the road...or not. i am okay with it.

xoxo

"We can always find something to be thankful for, and there may be reasons why we ought to be thankful for even those dispensations which appear dark and frowning." - Albert Barnes

Just a mobile test. Let's see if this works.

I really need to talk with you

I keep stepping on the vein

That keeps my lifeline flowing thru

I wanna be your perfect stick of glue

But I don’t feel perfect at all

Sad and insecure flaw

I find it hard to hold conversation

I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away

It's not you its strictly me in this situation

I’m wondering will it ever go away…just go away

sometimes I feel like weeping

awake and when I’m sleeping

perfecting how to put a game face on

this puzzle I’ve been keeping

has been in hiding creeping out the closet door

spilling out onto the floor

How long will I be picking up pieces

How long will I be picking up my heart

I’ll be as honest as I feel

I’m getting more paranoid and I’m hearing things

And they never turn out real

It feels like my heart is made of pure steel

It’s just so heavy all the time

Yea I’m scared of death

And I’m scared of living

I gave up on the past cause it’s unforgiving

I misplaced my trust

I watched my word begin to rust

I’m a balloon about to bust

I need a place for reliving

But sometimes I feel like weeping

awake and when I’m sleeping

perfecting how to put a game face on

this puzzle I’ve been keeping

has been in hiding creeping out the closet door

spilling out onto the floor

How long will I be picking up pieces

How long will I be picking up my heart

How long (in another space and time)

Will I be picking up pieces in the corner of my mind

How long (its getting oh so hard to find)

Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind

But I still walk on

Blue October, Picking Up Pieces

*i hate blogger and its lack of formatting skills. fuckers.

a friend is pregnant with their 4th and due in a few weeks. the neighbor's just announced they're having twins. another friend is due in the spring with their 2nd.

these are happy times and should be beacons of hope for the future. read on...

three friends have suffered losses within the last few weeks. for one, this was her 5th. the second, this was her first. and the third lost their twins.

and it is those stories that break my heart and prevent me from even thinking about ttc again. like, i can't even being to consider the thought of trying to get pregnant, much less actually becoming pregnant.

and that's kind of a big deal...with big consequences.

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated

I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that

I am Vindicated

I am selfish

I am wrong

I am right

I swear I'm right

I swear I knew it all along

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away

I am Vindicated

I am selfish

I am wrong

I am right

I swear I'm right

I swear I knew it all along

Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

Dashboard Confessional, Vindicated

Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead.

-Joss Whedon

a little vacay

just got back from a quick weekend trip to Portland to visit a friend. had a blast. will post pics soon...absolutely beautiful.

it seems there's so much going on in my life these days, even though it feels like there's not much to tell you.

the house is coming along. finally bought some rugs. need more. but i'm too cheap to worry about it now. we seem to have a raccoon problem...was woken up at 1:30am one night last week to a barking dog. only one dog...which means there's a problem. woke up the Captain and he went to investigate (in his undies. oh, so hot)...the barkless dog had caught a raccoon. it was...interesting. think 2 men + 2 dogs + 1 raccoon @ 1:30am = Beverly Hillbillies, Austin-style. Fun times.

work is work. busy as ever, so i shouldn't complain. but i do. don't we all?

gearing up for the holidays. have i ever told you how much i despise the holiday's? yea. they're not for me. but whatevs. they happen every year. and every year i smack a smile on my face. because that's what i do.

the gym is going well...still hittin' it hard, which is saying a lot.

going to see new.moon. this friday with bestie and i cannot wait. i'm not ashamed about my addiction to the series. so excited.

am also going to a few concerts in december. bobby.long and joe purdy and one other that shall remain a secret until it's passed...'cos i'm shady like that.

i think that's all for now. i know, you just can't get enough.

xoxo

7 yrs...Happy Anniversary, babe.

You are the flame in my heart
You light my way in the dark
You are the ultimate star

You pick me up from above
Your unconditional love
Takes me to paradise

I belong to you
And you
You belong to me too

You make my life complete
You make me feel so sweet

You make me feel so divine
Your soul and mine are entwined
Before you I was blind

But since I've opened my eyes
And with you there's no disguise
So I could open up my mind

I always loved you from the start
But I could not figure out
That I had to do it everyday

So I put away the fright
Now I'm gonna live my life
Giving you the most in every way

I belong to you
And you
You belong to me too

You make my life complete
You make me feel so sweet

Oh I belong to youI belong to you
And you, you
You belong to me too

You make my life complete
You make me feel so sweet

Oh I belong to you
I belong to you
And you, you
You belong to me too

You make my life complete
You make my life complete
You make me feel so sweet

Oh I belong to you
I belong to you
And you, and you
You belong to me too

You make my life complete
You make my life complete
You make me feel so sweet

-Lenny Kravitz

A friend recently said "The worst kind of shock is shattering your own illusions." 

So fucking true. 

respecting your unspoken request,
giving you space.
when you're ready,
if you ever are,
i'll be here.
any way you need me.

<3