3x = a streak?

yesterday, the 28th day of the 9th month of the year of 2008, was cycle day 1...bringing the official tally to 31 months of ttc.

but who's counting?

the good news is this past cycle was 30 days. so it looks like things are finally normalizing, as this is the 3rd cycle in a row of 35 days or less. i did a lil' song&dance yesterday when i charted...you say it's your birthday, it's my birthday too, yeah...i'll spare you the rest.

i've decided that i'm going to try and embrace my period. we have, after all, been together for 18 years (scary)! and well, i've not always treated auntie flo with kindness. as a matter of fact, over the years, i've been down right slanderous. but no apologies are given...she's been a bitch from day one. however, i'm thinking if maybe i just you know, become friends with her, she'll ease my pain and try and work with me on this whole lets-have-a-baby thing. perhaps if i massage the ego of my reproductive system, it will decide to behave and act accordingly? no?

so far, there's been nary a cramp.

i'm sorry, what was that?

*warning: language

part 1

while i was checking out @ my annual, the nurse asked me if i'd like her to call my insurance company & ask what my "infertility care" benefits were. knowing they probably weren't great , i decided why not, i'll spare myself the frustration. right?

wrong.

i received a letter in the mail from my dr's office about a week later. here's a summary:

"...we were told you have limited benefits and are not fully covered for infertility treatment....Excluded services will include IUI's, sperm wash and HCG injections."

it gets better...

"These charges (see above) must be paid at the time of your visit and will be discounted 20%. To assist you in planning, we have enclosed a fee schedule."

forget frustration! i was (am) livid! so, what better thing to do when you are livid and your eyes are popping out of your head but call the insurance company? oh what a lucky day it was for the rep on the other end of the line. this was our conversation:

me: i just got a disturbing letter from my OBGYN's office. i have a couple of questions regarding my "infertility care."

rep: ok. what can i help you with?

me: all of it.

rep: i'm sorry?

me: i want a full explanation as to why you don't cover anything other than the diagnosis of infertility. please explain my coverage, or lack thereof, for fertility drugs and treatment.

rep: well, we do cover the drugs....as long as they're not used directly prior to and to aid an IUI or IVF.

me: what? you'll cover them as long as i don't use them for IUI or IVF?

rep: yes.

me: and why don't you cover IUI or IVF?

wait for it...

rep: because both are considered experimental.

me: you're shitting me?

rep: i'm sorry. what was that?

me: you've got to be SHITTING me!?! ((( EXPERIFUCKINGMENTAL?))) in 1978, the first successful IVF baby was born but IVF history goes back further and even further is when the first IUI was performed (see here). so you tell me? how the hell can IVF and IUI still be classified as "experimental"?

rep: i can't answer that ma'am. but our coverage changes annually; feel free to call back to see if it's been updated. i'm truly sorry ma'am.

me: yea, me too.

********************************

part 2

i've been slowly compiling research on infertility. i've read that 1 in 6 couples are infertile. ONE in SIX. that means there is someone in your life who is infertile. that means this is not an uncommon diagonsis. that means this isn't some obsure condition. what that means is that infertility treatment needs to be mandated and insurance companies need to be forced to offer coverage just like any other medical condition!

shortly after i had that conversation with my insurance company, i was reading Infertility Diaries, a blog on Redbook's website, written by Jen from Maybe If You Just Relax. Jen did a post about the lack of coverage for infertility treatments. Jen is very lucky in that she does have some coverage. Here's an excerpt that thru me for a little loop-de-loop & gave me whiplash:

So imagine my surprise when I get my explanation of benefits...
Total Charges for IVF #1: $14,650
Total Paid by Insurance: $4,750
Total Patient Responsibility: $350

are you reading that correctly? do you see that? do you see that for ME, an infertile without coverage, i would have to pay upwards of 15G's for ONE cycle of IVF. but those motherf'ers...i mean, insurance companies, only have to pay $5K?

oh, yea. i'm bending over alright. assholes.

but being the person that i am, i look to the brighter side of things. i like to think of life as a glass half full...which is why i'm ever-so-thankful that my OBGYN has offered to give me a 20% discount.

@@

to be continued....yes, there's more.

ah, jerry

i suppose after my recent mini-rant about jerry, i should offer my congrat's. so, congrat's to jerry & rebecca, who are expecting not one but two babies! two....2....1+1....freaking twins!

so, why couldn't they just say that in the first place? why make a fuss about "trying" & being "lucky enough"? lucky? wtf? why not just come out and say that you're expecting....or don't say anything at all? blech.

but here's the kicker: a "source" felt compelled to add that "The twins were conceived without the help of in vitro fertilization or the fertility drug Clomid..." and so what if they were? so what if they needed a little nudge? was it necessary to make it known that they needed no reproductive assistance? seriously? again...why not just keep your trap shut? double blech. blech.

TBH, i really feel for celebrities who are constantly defending what they choose to do with their womb. i mean, is nothing sacred? and then there are those who just blab...blab...blab and make it increasingly difficult for me to swallow my morning joe.

and since i enjoy a bit of self-torture now & again, i know i'll be keeping up with their pregnancy...just like i do all the others.

mile marker 731

731 days of excitement mixed with 731 days of agony. 731 days playing the game to end up at 731 days of defeat. 731 days of hope to be followed by 731 days of loss. 731 empty days filled with 731 days of faith.

March 28, 2006. It seems like forever ago and just yesterday all in the same. Being infertile is an emotional roller coaster - you slowly work your way up to the top where you'll find out if your hard work has paid off...and then you come crashing down @ 200mph....bam! And somewhere in the middle, you get whiplash b/c life has just thrown you for a loop. Again. and Again. and Again.

There are days when I walk into a room full of mothers with kids running around and in an instant I feel like I've got the Scarlett letters "IF" painted on me; I have never felt more out of place. The loneliness of it all creeps up on you and you become overwhelmed with this sense of awareness that you stand alone.

Infertility has shaken my faith to it's very core. I am angry. I am hurt. I am saddened. I am jealous. I feel broken. I feel like a failure - as a child, as a wife and as a woman. I have "let go and let God" only to fall back into the same pattern of despair. This has consumed me and taken over nearly every part of my life, as it has the Captain's. And yet, I still cling to Hope.

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope implies a certain amount of despair, wanting, wishing, suffering or perseverance — i.e., believing that a better or positive outcome is possible even when there is some evidence to the contrary. [1]

Perhaps that is the one thing that keeps the thread from tearing completely b/c Infertility changes you. Forever.

*As gloomy as this post is, I just want you to know that I have a wonderful network of friends who are IF; THANK YOU CGWK!*

a little game of catch-up

I figured I'd better get you caught up to speed before I really start getting crazy with my posts...the Captain and I have been TTC since the spring of 2006. We tried on our own for one year and then we sought out Dr. C (whom I LOVE!) to help. I read TCYOF and learned more about my body than I ever wanted to know {a quick blurb about TCYOF - if you have a daughter this book is a must have; it will teach her everything she needs to know about her body and how it works}. I began charting and using OPK's. After I failed to get a "+" OPK 3 months in a row...and after having to rely on the assistance of progesterone to start AF during those same 3 months, I was diagnosed with the dreaded "I" word: Infertility.

Dr. C suggested we try Clomid. We did 4 rounds of Clomid, beginning with 50mg on cd3-7 and ending with two months @ 150mg on cd5-9. Each month, I went in for follicle scans (transvaginal ultrasound - sounds like fun, huh?) to see if any were growing to the recommended length and in turn, could "catch the egg" (link). I had no such luck; my follies, while large in number, were only growing to 13mm at most - not the needed 18mm. Further testing needed to be done.

In the fall of 2007, Dr. C referred me to an RE. It was then that I was diagnosed with PCOS & Type II Diabetes. I was prescribed Metformin and began taking 2000mg daily. Let me just take a second to tell you a little something about Met...it's a nasty, beast of a drug! It does vicious things to your colon/bowels and well, I'll spare you the details. Anyway...the Met will not only help control my insulin-resistance but will also help with the PCOS and infertility. Ok, so maybe it's the wonder drug!?!

So, where are we today? We're nearing 2yrs and we do have a plan. Right now, I will continue to take the Met b/c I am having issues with AF. Around August, we will begin taking Clomid again - with the Met. We do have a Plan B, a Plan C and even a Plan D but for now, it's one foot in front of the other.

In future posts, I will no doubt discuss the impact that being infertile has had on both myself and the Captain. A friend sent me a video about infertility; it was created to help friends and family understand the IF community's struggle. It is titled Tears and Hope.

**all of the acronyms I've used can be found to the left of the screen under "lingo"...and all words/titles with lines underneath them are links - click on the underlined word/title for more information**