lingering thoughts

I've been wondering lately just how much influence we all have on each other. I mean, I know, in general, peer influence greatly impacts our decisions, be they right or wrong. But what about life choices, the things that will change your life forever? How are we influenced by those around us when it comes time to making resolutions...be it marriage, children, careers and the like.

I still read infertility blogs, though not as often. There's so much pain, so much devastation - only a portion of which we've experienced - and so many unanswered questions. And when I read my what my fellow IFers are dealing with, or not, I sometimes ask myself if I'm willing to jump back in and take the risk, again? Can I do it? Am I emotionally strong enough to potentially have to deal with the worst possible outcome(s)? The answer is, usually, not today, no; how cowardly of me. And so then, what? I look around and see all these women (and men) giving it their all, every ounce of what they have is poured into building a family but the cost, oh how the cost scares the shit out of me. What price am I willing to pay? What am I willing to, potentially, sacrifice? Because, although the goal is clear, the sacrifice can be so much larger than not bringing home a baby. And it can be infinitely smaller, depending on the outcome.

There's a strange, odd feeling I get when I ask these questions, as they go against nearly every fiber in my being. I am a life risk-taker, if you will. I have few fears that hold me back from doing the things I want. In general, I don't weigh my actions against the cost (there are, of course, exceptions). But this, this disease of infertility, it seems I am afraid to even try to conquer it. Afraid to even try.

But all of this relates to the influence we have on each other. I have friends who have lost a child, friends who have miscarried (still the loss of a child), and friends who have sought out adoption only to have the birth parent(s) change their mind. Each of those scenarios plays through my mind and they each leave arms empty. And hearts broken. And life is now forever changed. And that is why I am afraid to even try. I have been influenced by my friends, their stories and what I watch them go through during and after the storm. And I ask myself, can I do that?

I don't know. I'm not sure I can.

Yes, indeed, how very cowardly of me.

hello monday...

happy monday! so...nothing too exciting happening with me (for a change). today is International Women's Day, so congratulate the women in your life for what they've accomplished in this world of glass ceilings...social, political and economical. we've got a long way to go but we're getting there (congrats kathryn.bigelow).

went to see Alice.in.Wonderland (in 3D) Friday night and was blown away. not so much by the story or the acting, but the new technology in film is simply amazing and i was stunned and in awe. spent Saturday down in Corpus celebrating my nephew's 3rd birthday. and let me just say this - 4hrs with 12 3yros...actually, i probably don't even have to say anything. you can guess.

am planning on my next trip - or trying to. we'll see. i should know more this week. i owe y'all some stories and i'm working on it. rather than type it out 100x and to 100 different people, i'm in the midst of creating a mass e-mail and will post it once i'm done. as for the pictures, i'll probably provide a link to the album for my family and friends. and i'll let you know when that's available and you can PM me and request the link.

i can't believe it's already march. only 5 more months until my next drs appt...only 5 more months until some decisions will have to be made. 5 months.

**

Sometimes I feel that life is passing me by, not slowly either, but with ropes of steam and spark-spattered wheels and a hoarse roar of power or terror. It's passing, yet I'm the one who's doing all the moving. ~Martin Amis, Money

In that book which is
My memory . . .
On the first page
That is the chapter when
I first met you
Appear the words . . .
Here begins a new life

La Vita Nuova, Dante Alighieri

****

side note: I'd like to post some pics but am a little worried about them being used by others. Is there a way to 'lock' them?

I'm back! And Oh Em Gee....what an AMAZING trip! As soon as I have some time, I'll post pics and write about my adventure...and trust, I have a few stories that will have you ROFL.

But for now,

A man's worth depends on his two smallest organs: his heart and his tongue. - Arab Proverb

<3

We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts, not breaths

-Phillip James Bailey

We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts, not breaths; 

In feelings, not in figures on a dial. 

We should count time by heart-throbs. He most lives 

Who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best. 

And he whose heart beats quickest lives the longest: 

Lives in one hour more than in years do some 

Whose fat blood sleeps as it slips along their veins.  

Life's but a means unto an end; that end, 

Beginning, mean, and end to all things—God.  

The dead have all the glory of the world.

hello!

made it back from Ohio in one piece. had to spend 6 hours at the Midway airport in Chicago due to weather delays. then flew straight into a massive storm cell. the last hour and a half of the flight was rocky...like, um, dropping and bouncing and rocking back & forth. oh, did i mention the lightning show that was going on outside? yea. and i have to get on a plane again in 9 days. fun.

the clothes i ordered online came in. all but one pair of pants fit nicely. well, they fit but they're too long. figured as much. they're also lined, which i didn't note when i ordered them. and i'm wondering if they'll be too bulky to pack in the backpack. we'll see. slowly things are getting crossed of the 'to-do' list for the trip. i cannot believe i leave next thursday. *so excited*

3 days after i get back, i'm going to see this man. again. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. and in March, i'll be checking out this dude and these guys. saw them both at ACL '09 and loved 'em. found out recently that Lil.ith Fair will be stopping here on tour this summer. the line-up is fab and i'm just waiting to buy tix.

and that's all for now. have a super day...until next time,

cheerio!

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.
- Khalil Gibran

Went to see Master Pancake Theater - Forrest Gump this weekend and OMG...seriously, find out if it's showing near you and GO. NOW. Funniest thing I've seen in a LONG time. So good.

I leave for OH tomorrow morning - too early.

Finally ordered some stuff for my trip. Got a few cargo-style pants. Please sweet baby jesus let them fit, as I ordered them online and am NERVOUS. I know I'll have to have them hemmed but I can work with that.

Oh! Tried on a smaller size in jeans this weekend and nearly cried. They fit. I may or may not have done a little happy dance in the dressing room and there may or may not have been some shrieking involved. *lips sealed*

Also, I just wanted to say that you'll notice I took some things off my blog and rearranged others...if you have any questions about our IF experience or what we've done to date or whatever, shoot me an e-mail or leave a comment.

That's all for now...until laters...peace.