.

2010-04-23T19:46:00.001-07:00

my first post is up. follow me here, if you're so inclined.

see you on the other side.

xxx

2010-04-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

a few things:

the Mr is in Costa Rica for the week

the dogs are driving me insane

sanity, though, is overrated.

i got my tix for ACL 2010

will be traveling to new.hampshire, maine and boston next month for work

have news that i can't discuss until i move to wp and lock a post

still working out...thinking about do an adventure challenge but am still on the fence. may do a 10k soon. idk.

moving to wordpress. i created the blog and am still working out some minor kinks but it should be up and going over there very soon. i'll let y'all know.

more later.

2010-04-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

Stolen meme. Requirement: Use one word to answer. I'm going to amend this to use the first word that comes to mind.

Let's give it a whirl, shall we?

1. Yourself: untamed.
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: lover.
3. Your hair: mane.
4. Your mother/stepmother: unexplainable.
5. Your dog: plural.
6. Your favorite item: ipod.
7. Your dream last night: baffling.
8. Your favorite drink: Tito's.
9. Your dream car: unattainable.
10. The room you are in: cubed.
12. Your fear: regret.
13. What you want to be in 10 years: soaring.
14. Who you hung out with last night: people.
15. What you’re not: social.
16. Muffin: top.
17: One of your wish list items: Prague.
18: Time: passes.
19. The last thing you did: pee.
20. What you are wearing: earrings.
21. Your favorite weather: cold.
22. Your favorite book: numerous.
23. The last thing you ate: granola.
24. Your life: good.
25. Your mood: amused.
26. Your best friend(S): savior.
27. What are you thinking about right now? words.
28. Your car: sleek.
29. What are you doing at the moment?: typing.
30. Your summer: hot.
31. Your relationship status: married.
32. What is on your TV?: nothing.
33. What is the weather like?: raining.
34. When is the last time you laughed?: today.

2010-04-14T05:35:00.001-07:00

still here...i have a few things on my mind but am waiting to post about them. actually, i'm considering switching to wordpress so that i can protect some posts *scratches head*

more in a bit.

sum it up thursday

2010-03-25T07:05:00.000-07:00

My Grandpa said to me,
"Grandson sit down we need to talk.
In life, there may be times when it gets hard to walk the walk.
It's easier to take the path that most have traveled on,
But then again sometimes to do what's right you must walk alone."

"Some people are unkind to those who see things different.
We've all felt pain in ways it hurts to even bring it up...
But that don't mean that we should take this motion lying down...
I'll stand and fight until the day they put me in the ground."

And Lord,
it's a lonely road, Ooh,
When this world burns down
Deep in your soul...
You will find there's a peace left in mind,
You will find there's a peace to find.
(Peace to find)

"And now I've taught you all I know,
So take this seed and let it grow.
(So take this seed and let it grow)
So take this seed and let it grow.
Though I'm here now,
soon I'll be gone I did what I can to try it make you strong
(I did what I can to try it make you strong)
(And I see that you're strong)"

And Lord, it's a lonely road, Ooh,
When this world burns down
Deep in your soul...
(This world burns down, deep in your soul)
You will find there's a peace left in mind,
You will find there's a peace to find.

And Lord, it's a lonely road.
(Such a lonely road)
And Lord, it's a lonely road.
(Hey, it's a lonely road)
And Lord, it's a lonely road.
And Lord, it's a lonely road

Lonely Road, RJA

xvii

2010-03-22T06:57:00.000-07:00

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Sonnet XVII, Pablo.Neruda

apparently, i don't do pink...of any kind.

2010-03-15T06:04:00.000-07:00

Friday night we went here for good times with family and friends...and 'ritas. Had a blast and made promises to do it more often.

What's pink and purple and sparkly all over? A 3yro's birthday party, duh! We drove south for the frilly event and while we had a reasonably good time (see below) seeing old friends and hanging with family, I came away with a few observations. One: I found myself praying (more than once) that if we have a child(ren), I am not entirely certain I can handle a girl; two: if we are blessed with a girl, I hope she likes trees & chucks; three: I decidedly do not like the colors pink and purple. Oh and one more thing -"Pin Cinderella in the Window"?!?!?!? I guess the ass got the boot.

And of course, we were asked when we were going to start having babies. Now, I kind of expected this since we were at a kids' party but I also (kind of) expected the topic to be dropped when I said "you know, whenever. No rush." And it wasn't. And I had to restrain myself from junk-punching someone. What I really want to tell people and frankly, I think it's only a matter of time before I do, is "Our procreation, or lack thereof, is really none of your fucking business." THAT is what I wanted to say, but y'all know I didn't. She kept prodding and I nodded, plastered on a grin and said, "Here's the thing, sweetie, my ovaries don't work. So, if you know how to fix them, please, by all means, contact my doctor and let him know because he sure as hell can't figure it out." Cue end of conversation.

Not that this is breaking news or anything but everyone is full of expert opinions...until the details come out. Then they don't know what to say...and you know what? I don't give a flying spaghetti monster. I'm tired of making excuses for people not knowing any better (and I don't mean Darlene at the grocery store, I'm talking about people that you KNOW, family, close friends, etc...). And with that...

Thank you for your wonderful comments. Some of you posted on the blog and others e-mailed and/or called. All of you said that I wasn't a coward, and while I appreciate it, I do disagree with you. But that's okay; I am what I am...for now. Had an impromptu talk this weekend about our plans and the next steps, so we'll see what happens.

***

Saw Green.Zone. Liked it, had discussions about the motives of the movie and the message and recommended it to others. Flew solo Sunday afternoon and went to see Remember.Me...and left snotsobbing. Best movie ever? No, but it really was a good movie and I hope it gets the acclaim it deserves.

S*X*S*W also started last week and I am so excited! I hope* to be spending time at a few shows this week/end and cannot wait. Live music pwns me and this event is just epic. *I didn't purchase a wristband this year bc they were $750 for music ($1580 for media, music and interactive) and I'm kinda pissed about that. I remember when they were $75 back when I was in high school. I mean, shit, I live here for fuck's sake. Shouldn't we residents get some sort of break? Sadly, even my rage about pricing can't keep me away. But whatevs, I'll just pay a cover and wait in line.

It can only take a moment to waste the rest of your life. - Chuck Palahniuk, Snuff.

lingering thoughts

2010-03-09T07:34:00.000-08:00

I've been wondering lately just how much influence we all have on each other. I mean, I know, in general, peer influence greatly impacts our decisions, be they right or wrong. But what about life choices, the things that will change your life forever? How are we influenced by those around us when it comes time to making resolutions...be it marriage, children, careers and the like.

I still read infertility blogs, though not as often. There's so much pain, so much devastation - only a portion of which we've experienced - and so many unanswered questions. And when I read my what my fellow IFers are dealing with, or not, I sometimes ask myself if I'm willing to jump back in and take the risk, again? Can I do it? Am I emotionally strong enough to potentially have to deal with the worst possible outcome(s)? The answer is, usually, not today, no; how cowardly of me. And so then, what? I look around and see all these women (and men) giving it their all, every ounce of what they have is poured into building a family but the cost, oh how the cost scares the shit out of me. What price am I willing to pay? What am I willing to, potentially, sacrifice? Because, although the goal is clear, the sacrifice can be so much larger than not bringing home a baby. And it can be infinitely smaller, depending on the outcome.

There's a strange, odd feeling I get when I ask these questions, as they go against nearly every fiber in my being. I am a life risk-taker, if you will. I have few fears that hold me back from doing the things I want. In general, I don't weigh my actions against the cost (there are, of course, exceptions). But this, this disease of infertility, it seems I am afraid to even try to conquer it. Afraid to even try.

But all of this relates to the influence we have on each other. I have friends who have lost a child, friends who have miscarried (still the loss of a child), and friends who have sought out adoption only to have the birth parent(s) change their mind. Each of those scenarios plays through my mind and they each leave arms empty. And hearts broken. And life is now forever changed. And that is why I am afraid to even try. I have been influenced by my friends, their stories and what I watch them go through during and after the storm. And I ask myself, can I do that?

I don't know. I'm not sure I can.

Yes, indeed, how very cowardly of me.

hello monday...

2010-03-08T06:07:00.000-08:00

happy monday! so...nothing too exciting happening with me (for a change). today is International Women's Day, so congratulate the women in your life for what they've accomplished in this world of glass ceilings...social, political and economical. we've got a long way to go but we're getting there (congrats kathryn.bigelow).

went to see Alice.in.Wonderland (in 3D) Friday night and was blown away. not so much by the story or the acting, but the new technology in film is simply amazing and i was stunned and in awe. spent Saturday down in Corpus celebrating my nephew's 3rd birthday. and let me just say this - 4hrs with 12 3yros...actually, i probably don't even have to say anything. you can guess.

am planning on my next trip - or trying to. we'll see. i should know more this week. i owe y'all some stories and i'm working on it. rather than type it out 100x and to 100 different people, i'm in the midst of creating a mass e-mail and will post it once i'm done. as for the pictures, i'll probably provide a link to the album for my family and friends. and i'll let you know when that's available and you can PM me and request the link.

i can't believe it's already march. only 5 more months until my next drs appt...only 5 more months until some decisions will have to be made. 5 months.

**

Sometimes I feel that life is passing me by, not slowly either, but with ropes of steam and spark-spattered wheels and a hoarse roar of power or terror. It's passing, yet I'm the one who's doing all the moving. ~Martin Amis, Money

2010-03-01T10:18:00.000-08:00

In that book which is
My memory . . .
On the first page
That is the chapter when
I first met you
Appear the words . . .
Here begins a new life

La Vita Nuova, Dante Alighieri

****

side note: I'd like to post some pics but am a little worried about them being used by others. Is there a way to 'lock' them?

2010-02-25T11:23:00.001-08:00

I'm back! And Oh Em Gee....what an AMAZING trip! As soon as I have some time, I'll post pics and write about my adventure...and trust, I have a few stories that will have you ROFL.

But for now,

A man's worth depends on his two smallest organs: his heart and his tongue. - Arab Proverb

<3

2010-02-03T18:26:00.000-08:00

We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts, not breaths

-Phillip James Bailey

We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts, not breaths;

In feelings, not in figures on a dial.

We should count time by heart-throbs. He most lives

Who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.

And he whose heart beats quickest lives the longest:

Lives in one hour more than in years do some

Whose fat blood sleeps as it slips along their veins.

Life's but a means unto an end; that end,

Beginning, mean, and end to all things—God.

The dead have all the glory of the world.

2010-02-02T10:33:00.001-08:00

hello!

made it back from Ohio in one piece. had to spend 6 hours at the Midway airport in Chicago due to weather delays. then flew straight into a massive storm cell. the last hour and a half of the flight was rocky...like, um, dropping and bouncing and rocking back & forth. oh, did i mention the lightning show that was going on outside? yea. and i have to get on a plane again in 9 days. fun.

the clothes i ordered online came in. all but one pair of pants fit nicely. well, they fit but they're too long. figured as much. they're also lined, which i didn't note when i ordered them. and i'm wondering if they'll be too bulky to pack in the backpack. we'll see. slowly things are getting crossed of the 'to-do' list for the trip. i cannot believe i leave next thursday. *so excited*

3 days after i get back, i'm going to see this man. again. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. and in March, i'll be checking out this dude and these guys. saw them both at ACL '09 and loved 'em. found out recently that Lil.ith Fair will be stopping here on tour this summer. the line-up is fab and i'm just waiting to buy tix.

and that's all for now. have a super day...until next time,

cheerio!

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.
- Khalil Gibran

2010-01-25T11:25:00.000-08:00

Went to see Master Pancake Theater - Forrest Gump this weekend and OMG...seriously, find out if it's showing near you and GO. NOW. Funniest thing I've seen in a LONG time. So good.

I leave for OH tomorrow morning - too early.

Finally ordered some stuff for my trip. Got a few cargo-style pants. Please sweet baby jesus let them fit, as I ordered them online and am NERVOUS. I know I'll have to have them hemmed but I can work with that.

Oh! Tried on a smaller size in jeans this weekend and nearly cried. They fit. I may or may not have done a little happy dance in the dressing room and there may or may not have been some shrieking involved. *lips sealed*

Also, I just wanted to say that you'll notice I took some things off my blog and rearranged others...if you have any questions about our IF experience or what we've done to date or whatever, shoot me an e-mail or leave a comment.

That's all for now...until laters...peace.

2010-01-21T06:19:00.001-08:00

This week has been shitty. And I realize that my shitty and your shitty and Bob's shitty are all different....but yea. SHITTY. And all of it is work related. People, systems, deadlines...gah. I could go on. I'm just glad its almost over.

On a lighter note, my brother turns 14 tomorrow. I can't believe it! Fourteen. I turned 30 in August and I think the realization of that just hit me. Which means that my 1/2 birthday is coming up soon, too. And I'll be 6 months away from 31...holy shit. Lots to do between now and then...lots to do.

Homework tonight: 4min run, 3min walk x 6.

qui onques rien n'enprist riens n'achieva

btw...

2010-01-20T13:08:00.001-08:00

this is what i did last night @ the gym...

4 min run, 3 min walk x 4
20 min walk @ 4.0 incline.

yea.

on books...

2010-01-20T07:08:00.001-08:00

my reading for 2010 has already commenced...i've read these two books so far (they're part of a series): The Hunger Games and Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins. I can't wait until the 3rd book comes out in August....oh, Peeta! I need to know what happened to you!

i have these two on my night stand right now. i've started The Brief Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz and am a few chapters in. So far, so good. next will be Vinegar Hill by A. Manette Ansay <--i've heard mixed reviews about this one...we'll see.

i've also decided to re-read a few books this year.

i'll keep you posted.

2010-01-18T18:47:00.000-08:00

The Layers, Stanley Kunitz

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.
When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.
Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?
In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
whereever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.
In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."
Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.
I am not done with my changes.

2010-01-18T18:22:00.000-08:00

there's not much to say. i've been really busy with work. going to be traveling (for work) soon and i'm dreading it...timing could not be worse. but i work better under pressure and stress, so it'll all work out.

making plans to go skydiving in april. can't wait. another notch on the list.

got tix to go see this hilarious lady. if you have never seen her show...i have no words. genius.

shopping and packing for the big trip here. 23 days.

and in case you're wondering, yes. i am still mourning the loss of both my teams. there's always next year, boys.

****

wow.

2010-01-11T10:20:00.000-08:00

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

-Oriah Mountain Dreamer

*i found this here a few days ago (after the author of the blog left a comment) and am still affected by it. i sense i will be for long while, as it makes me think about IF and so, so much more.

2010-01-07T06:08:00.000-08:00

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. -Bill Cosby

2010-01-06T05:53:00.000-08:00

Hola and happy 2010! I hope the New Year finds y'all doing well...

We went to a few parties on NYE...had a fun times with some old friends and made new friends. And that was that...lol. I don't really make resolutions, as I prefer not to set myself up for failure. And really, all I want for 2010 is to be. To not have judgement placed upon us for choices that we make...and to do things unselfishly for others but things that make us happy. I have little to no control on most things that happen in my life but I can control my attitude and outlook and view of the world around me. And I look forward to enjoying 2010 as much as possible...

Y'all know my love of music and so when I heard that Bob was going to be playing here, I had to go. So, I dragged an old friend along and off we went...& we had the best night! We sang and drank and danced and truly enjoyed some fabulous music & company! A special thanks to MB for making sure that I got home in one piece...the Captain and I both appreciate it. ;) OH! I don't think I posted about this *facepalm* but...in December, my cousin and I went to see this Bobby here & OMG, such a great concert. He sounds the SAME live as he does on his albums. And I was just...*swoon*. I think I have a thing for Bob's....

I'm still hitting up the gym daily...well, 6 days a week. And the jogging/running is coming along. I ran last night 2x for 3min increments and then a final 5min run. NGL, I was tired but I did it. I find that towards the end of my cardio workouts, it's easier for me to run longer. IDK if that makes sense or if anyone else experiences that. If so...could you LMK that I'm not weird. LOL!

My trip is officially 35 days away. I am so excited! Am currently searching for lightweight hiking/trekking shoes that aren't fugly. Not an easy task. I did get this backpack (yes, in russet aka burnt orange) and am hoping everything fits. I received my packing list yesterday and there are some interesting items! Taking the easy way out of posting topics, I'll probably post the places we'll be traveling to and through leading up to our trip.

Cheers to 2010!

2010-01-05T06:31:00.000-08:00

Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up.

-Chuck.Palahniuk

2009-12-29T13:25:00.000-08:00

Into My Own

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,

So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,

Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,

But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day

Into their vastness I should steal away,

Fearless of ever finding open land,

Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,

Or those should not set forth upon my track

To overtake me, who should miss me here

And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew--

Only more sure of all I thought was true.

-Robert Frost

After A While

2009-12-21T12:30:00.000-08:00

After a while you learn

the subtle difference between

holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn

that love doesn't mean leaning

and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn

that kisses aren't contracts

and presents aren't promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up

and your eyes ahead

with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child

And you learn

to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight

After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure

you really are strong

you really do have worth

and you learn and you learn

with every goodbye, you learn...

-Veronica A Shoffstall

not a lot

2009-12-20T15:51:00.000-08:00

this weekend was pretty uneventful. unless you count the cow.boys win over new.orleans. because that was just...epic. and so very awesome...if not a little bittersweet.

my trip for february has been booked...i'll give a few more details as the time nears. now i'm just trying to figure out what to pack. fun times.

the weather has been awesome the past 2 days, so we've done a lot of outdoorsy things. went to a xmas bazaar and left feeling disappointed. not at all what i expected and a bit too small for the $12 to get in...and the $5 to park. lessons learned.

i have a busy work week ahead...so much to do in only 2.5 days. gah.

hope y'all have a wonderful holiday, however you choose to celebrate it.

xoxo

2009-12-17T06:04:00.000-08:00

on monday, some of our very best friends welcomed a new baby girl...a little pink to add to their brood (3) of blue. and she is adorable and soft and fuzzy and all baby. i sent the Captain up to see the newest addition on the day of her birth with our gifts, as i was unable to break away. but i did go visit on day 2 of her stunning little life and...

i'm not sure how to explain it. i was concerned about my how i would feel and/or react. because the last thing i wanted to be was snot-sobbing in sadness...and i wasn't. and i didn't want to come off as overjoyed at the birth, lest someone think it fake (entirely possible, i can pull off the fake happy like no other)...and i didn't. i was, for lack of a better word, content.

for the first time in a really fucking long time, i was FINE. i didn't once think about infertility or feel a longing for my own baby. nothing. nada. i just enjoyed being there with my friend and cradling little Miss M for a bit...until she made this yawning face and i just knew she was about to spit up all over me (and friend had to laugh b/c apparently 2 day olds don't really hack up, hehe) and so friend's mother came to the rescue and took the baby.

and in that moment, i took a breath i hadn't realized i'd been holding. perhaps it was because subconsciously, i was just waiting for the breakdown and trying my best to enact a few self-preservation tactics, like you know, not allowing oxygen to flow to the brain. or maybe, just maybe, it was that i realized that, for me, there is life outside of infertility and it doesn't have to encompass every thought, occasion, fear, want or need.

i'm still not ready to jump back on the ttc train again. nope. not even close. and that's okay, too. after putting our lives on hold for the 3 years with the mantra of "we can't because we might be pregnant," i think we're starting to actually live again. and that's good. really good. it is what it is. and for me, IT is not IF right now. and when we're ready to jump back in the game, it will all be for the better. hell, maybe we'll even be a little less bitter and a lot more optimistic. one can hope...

i realize that i'm in a much different place with my personal IF struggle/acceptance/co-existence than many others, some of whom are close to me. but i can't be any different than what i am. and that, too, is okay. it's been mentioned that i've "pulled back" since our decision to stop ttc. and i have. i've never said otherwise. but that, too, is about self-preservation. when you're trying to find yourself, the person you kind of lost while playing the waiting game for so long, it's not conducive to surround yourself with the same things. in order for you to change, things around you have to change. this is not to say that i wish to lose friends or let friends go. it's just that i can't immerse myself in constant sadness of longing and wanting and depression and mourning and needing ALL THE TIME because then, i wouldn't be moving forward. and i have to move forward. i have to or i'll fucking drown myself in self-misery and self-pity. and i can't do that anymore. once in a while, sure. i'm human. but on the constant - no. and so i hope that you can accept what i have to offer and if not, i understand. i truly do. and what i have to offer is my friendship and my shoulder and my ear. the same things that have always been there, just maybe with a different perspective than before.

*check back with me next week and i may feel completely different. but today, i'm pretty fucking comfortable with myself. and that's all i can do...take it one day at a time. see, somethings don't change.

2009-12-08T07:04:00.000-08:00

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.

-Albert Schweitzer

meme aka copping out

2009-12-02T07:07:00.000-08:00

got this from Jen's blog (i'd link you but she's private. yea, i'm special.)

I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. . .is different depending on the boob.
I’ve come to realize that my job. . .can suck a donkey ball but i need it.
I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. . .i pretend i'm auditioning for American.Idol
I’ve come to realize that I need. . . to be free from a lot of things/people.
I’ve come that realize that I have lost. . . nothing.
I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . . the person i thought you were, isn't you at all.
I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . . i'll wake up with unexplainable bruises.
I’ve come to realize that money. . .does help.
I’ve come to realize that certain people. . .have big britches & a lot of empty room.
I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . . be crass, obnoxious and foul-mouthed.
I’ve come to realize that my sisters. . . are very different from me, and that's ok.
I’ve come to realize that my mom…is human.
I’ve come to realize that my cell phone. . . is an extension of my arm; if i could attach it, I would.
I’ve come to realize that when I wake up in the morning. . . i get another chance.
I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . . i should've done more.
I’ve come to realize that my dad. . . is human, too.
I’ve come to realize that today. . .might be THE day.
I’ve come to realize that tonight. . .i'll be thankful.
I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . . will never come.
I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . . live.
I’ve come to realize that life. . . is full of adventure.
I’ve come to realize that my friends. . . are my family.
I’ve come to realize that this year. . .will count.
I’ve come to realize that my exes. . .are exes for a reason.
I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . . stop planning around 'what if's' and start planning 'what now's'
I’ve come to realize that I love. . . comes in many sizes, shapes and forms.
I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . .a lot.
I’ve come to realize that parties. . .are hit or miss but have a blast anyway.
I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . .of dying before i complete my 'fuck it bucket list'.
I’ve come to realize that my life. . .is the only thing that is truly mine.

drabble

2009-12-01T11:29:00.000-08:00

we've decided not to decorate for christmas. i think the captain just doesn't want to deal with it and that's all. not only do i not want to deal with the hassle (and IDGAF what you say, it IS a PITA to decorate), i just generally do not have any desire to celebrate xmas.

i've never been big on the holidays, save for my birthday. i wonder if it's a symptom of growing up with divorced parents and being tossed from one house to the next (so unique, i know)? or maybe i've grown tired of the demands that are unspoken but i know are there...like whose house we go to for xmas dinner? because we all know that where you choose to spend xmas dinner is essentially the same thing as saying "we like/love them more." and let's not forget that it all HAS to be on the 25th, g-d forbid you even consider making plans for the 24th or the 26th. and try not to mention that you have like 503829040 houses to go to because your parents couldn't make it work and can't be in the same room together without a screening of Apocalypse Now playing out. and then there's the in-law's. but i digress...whatever.

if i had it my way we'd be vacationing for xmas, every year. but the captain doesn't like the idea of being away from his family. go fucking figure.

on being thankful

2009-11-30T07:27:00.000-08:00

ah...things to be thankful for...a little late, i know.

i'm thankful for:

my husband - he puts up with all of my shit and even though there are days where my mind swirls with doubt, he is my constant in the darkness.

my friends - without them, i don't know where i'd be. i have several friends from very different circles and each of them plays a huge role in my life. and to my bestie, i don't know what the fuck i'd do without you. seriously. you are a lifeline.

my family - we kick, scream and fight. but you'll always be there, this i know.

my legs - for not giving up on me as i try to become a runner. don't get any ideas, jogging is working just fine right now.

my lungs - see above. even though i torture you.

my liver - for allowing me to enjoy life, even though i put you thru hell.

music - has saved me in ways that i can't even describe.

and for the first time, in a long time, i am thankful that i have accepted that maybe it just wasn't our time. yet...maybe...next year...or ten down the road...or not. i am okay with it.

xoxo

"We can always find something to be thankful for, and there may be reasons why we ought to be thankful for even those dispensations which appear dark and frowning." - Albert Barnes

2009-11-30T07:20:00.001-08:00

Just a mobile test. Let's see if this works.

2009-11-24T07:54:00.000-08:00

I really need to talk with you

I keep stepping on the vein

That keeps my lifeline flowing thru

I wanna be your perfect stick of glue

But I don’t feel perfect at all

Sad and insecure flaw

I find it hard to hold conversation

I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away

It's not you its strictly me in this situation

I’m wondering will it ever go away…just go away

sometimes I feel like weeping

awake and when I’m sleeping

perfecting how to put a game face on

this puzzle I’ve been keeping

has been in hiding creeping out the closet door

spilling out onto the floor

How long will I be picking up pieces

How long will I be picking up my heart

I’ll be as honest as I feel

I’m getting more paranoid and I’m hearing things

And they never turn out real

It feels like my heart is made of pure steel

It’s just so heavy all the time

Yea I’m scared of death

And I’m scared of living

I gave up on the past cause it’s unforgiving

I misplaced my trust

I watched my word begin to rust

I’m a balloon about to bust

I need a place for reliving

But sometimes I feel like weeping

awake and when I’m sleeping

perfecting how to put a game face on

this puzzle I’ve been keeping

has been in hiding creeping out the closet door

spilling out onto the floor

How long will I be picking up pieces

How long will I be picking up my heart

How long (in another space and time)

Will I be picking up pieces in the corner of my mind

How long (its getting oh so hard to find)

Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind

But I still walk on

Blue October, Picking Up Pieces

*i hate blogger and its lack of formatting skills. fuckers.

2009-11-23T12:10:00.000-08:00

a friend is pregnant with their 4th and due in a few weeks. the neighbor's just announced they're having twins. another friend is due in the spring with their 2nd.

these are happy times and should be beacons of hope for the future. read on...

three friends have suffered losses within the last few weeks. for one, this was her 5th. the second, this was her first. and the third lost their twins.

and it is those stories that break my heart and prevent me from even thinking about ttc again. like, i can't even being to consider the thought of trying to get pregnant, much less actually becoming pregnant.

and that's kind of a big deal...with big consequences.

2009-11-23T05:59:00.001-08:00

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated

I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that

I am Vindicated

I am selfish

I am wrong

I am right

I swear I'm right

I swear I knew it all along

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away

I am Vindicated

I am selfish

I am wrong

I am right

I swear I'm right

I swear I knew it all along

Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

Dashboard Confessional, Vindicated

2009-11-17T10:57:00.001-08:00

Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead.

-Joss Whedon

a little vacay

2009-11-16T06:56:00.001-08:00

just got back from a quick weekend trip to Portland to visit a friend. had a blast. will post pics soon...absolutely beautiful.

it seems there's so much going on in my life these days, even though it feels like there's not much to tell you.

the house is coming along. finally bought some rugs. need more. but i'm too cheap to worry about it now. we seem to have a raccoon problem...was woken up at 1:30am one night last week to a barking dog. only one dog...which means there's a problem. woke up the Captain and he went to investigate (in his undies. oh, so hot)...the barkless dog had caught a raccoon. it was...interesting. think 2 men + 2 dogs + 1 raccoon @ 1:30am = Beverly Hillbillies, Austin-style. Fun times.

work is work. busy as ever, so i shouldn't complain. but i do. don't we all?

gearing up for the holidays. have i ever told you how much i despise the holiday's? yea. they're not for me. but whatevs. they happen every year. and every year i smack a smile on my face. because that's what i do.

the gym is going well...still hittin' it hard, which is saying a lot.

going to see new.moon. this friday with bestie and i cannot wait. i'm not ashamed about my addiction to the series. so excited.

am also going to a few concerts in december. bobby.long and joe purdy and one other that shall remain a secret until it's passed...'cos i'm shady like that.

i think that's all for now. i know, you just can't get enough.

xoxo

7 yrs...Happy Anniversary, babe.

2009-11-09T09:56:00.000-08:00

You are the flame in my heart
You light my way in the dark
You are the ultimate star

You pick me up from above
Your unconditional love
Takes me to paradise

I belong to you
And you
You belong to me too

You make my life complete
You make me feel so sweet

You make me feel so divine
Your soul and mine are entwined
Before you I was blind

But since I've opened my eyes
And with you there's no disguise
So I could open up my mind

I always loved you from the start
But I could not figure out
That I had to do it everyday

So I put away the fright
Now I'm gonna live my life
Giving you the most in every way

I belong to you
And you
You belong to me too

You make my life complete
You make me feel so sweet

Oh I belong to youI belong to you
And you, you
You belong to me too

You make my life complete
You make me feel so sweet

Oh I belong to you
I belong to you
And you, you
You belong to me too

You make my life complete
You make my life complete
You make me feel so sweet

Oh I belong to you
I belong to you
And you, and you
You belong to me too

You make my life complete
You make my life complete
You make me feel so sweet

-Lenny Kravitz

2009-11-07T19:13:00.000-08:00

A friend recently said "The worst kind of shock is shattering your own illusions."

So fucking true.

2009-11-04T13:44:00.001-08:00

respecting your unspoken request,
giving you space.
when you're ready,
if you ever are,
i'll be here.
any way you need me.

<3

2009-10-29T13:59:00.000-07:00

Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?

-Leo Buscaglia

2009-10-27T06:01:00.000-07:00

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.

-Jim Morrison

2009-10-22T06:38:00.000-07:00

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.

-Anais Nin

Every Woman...

2009-10-20T05:35:00.000-07:00

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a youth she’s content to leave behind….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to
retelling it in her old age….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
a feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to fall in love without losing herself.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that she can’t change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust,
whom she can’t,
and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
where to go…
be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…
or a charming inn in the woods…
when her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…
a month…and a year…

--Pamela Redmond Satran

2009-10-14T10:10:00.000-07:00

it's been months since i've looked at infertility blogs. but i decided to lurke again and see if anyone had made any successful progress in department of baby making. i visited a blog where i often lurked in the past and these literally made me pee my pants (courtesy of Mo and Will). Laugh! (no seriously, it's ok...i did. a lot.)

2009-10-12T05:29:00.000-07:00

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.

- Henry Ellis

ACL Rundown

2009-10-08T05:34:00.001-07:00

I don't have a lot of time but wanted to give a brief synopsis of ACL (below & c/p from an earlier e-mail). Three days of music, booze, mud, booze and more mud. Yea. Lots of rain. And did I mention mud? Spent some after hours time here and here. Did some prep work here with $1 mimosas. Injured my toe...avoided toe amputation and most certain death...and still had the best weekend ever.

Impressed: Avett Bros*, Phoenix, Andrew Bird, Dr Dog, Thievery Corporation, Ghostland Observatory - would probably never buy their album but they put on an awesome show. Citizen Cope, Bon Iver, Bell X1, Airborne Toxic Event, Arctic Monkeys, Cotton Jones*, Pearl Jam, The Dead Weather - Jack White's new band...I'm not a fan of the White Stripes but they weren't that bad. Brett Dennen, State Radio *- the lead singer is from Dispatch, whom I love! Matt Morris, Michael Franti & Spearhead - fun for a night out, lots of energy & covers. Raul Malo*, Jesse Woods *- reminds me of Dylan

Disappointed: KoL - still very bitter about this- acoustics were AWFUL. I'll be looking for them on tour tho b/c their new album has pwn'd me for the last year; I've yet to tire of it. Really bummed b/c 5 min after we left the show, Eddie Vedder came out and jammed with them. Will be my FML moment for a LONG TIME. Argh! DMB - was not impressed as a first time concert goer. He didn't play for the entire allotted time and didn't do any of the 'good' stuff; very disappointing. Flogging Molly - I like some of their stuff but everything sounds the same. Meh. The Decemberists - again, really bitter...they played almost all tracks of their latest album, which I'm not a fan of. But I had to laugh...one of the dudes was wearing a black sequined DRESS. *died* and The Greencards

*New bands for me that I'll continue to listen to.

I'll update my playlist later with some new music to reflect my experience at ACL.

cheerio!

2009-09-30T06:41:00.001-07:00

uberexcited. pumped. happy. ecstatic. thrilled. amped. i could go on and on and on....

the countdown has officially begun for ACL 2009. and i am stoked beyond words. bestie and i will be attending the event together...plenty of memories to be had, of this i am certain. my playlist (below) is of a few bands that i'll be seeing fri, sat and sun. enjoy!

Without music life would be a mistake. -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

2009-09-28T13:01:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get worried
And your load is hard to bear
And your life is like a sad sad story
No one nobody really cares

But if you ever need someone to talk to
And if you ever need a helping hand
I'll be your ship out on the ocean
I'll be your water in the desert sand

I've been there I've felt like you do
Feelin' like winter would never turn to spring
And everybody I know has got problems
But there's a solution to everything

And if you ever need someone to talk to
And if you ever need a helping hand
I'll be your ship out on the ocean
I'll be your water in the desert sand

And after you've found your way
You won't owe me nothin'
'Cause you're gonna know that your well
Will never run dry, never run dry

If you ever need someone to talk to
And if you ever need a helping hand
I'll be your ship out, your ship out on the ocean
I'll be your water in the desert sand
I'll be your water
And I will give you shelter
I'll be your water
I will be there for you
I'll be your ship out on the ocean
I'll be your water in the desert sand

Keb' Mo', I'll Be Your Water

2009-09-28T06:00:00.001-07:00

In the hopes of reaching the moon men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet.

-Albert Schweitzer

que seria de mi

2009-09-23T05:39:00.000-07:00

You wander down my body
And I submerge myself to the anxiety of your smile.
I search through the most precious things
And your caress appears
Suddenly, I look to the enlightened horizon
And I wonder
If tomorrow, in this room
Will we fuse again
This much insanity

What would be of me
If you were missing
What would be of me if I didn’t find another love
That awakened the desires of feeling
Abandoned in pleasure.

What would be of me
If you were not here
What would be of me
If this passion ran out
That shakes with the strength of a thousand seas
Angered by the sea
What would be of me… ay, of me.

You return,
Uneasy and solitary
Like you are sometimes
You return, the hope of having you
In my arms for ever
I look again
To the enlightened horizon
And I wonder if tomorrow you’ll return

If you decide not to forget
This adventure…
If you weren’t here… were would I be?
Allow myself to be shaken with the strength of a thousand seas…

By you.

Lena, Que Seria de Mi

2009-09-22T05:31:00.001-07:00

Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light.

Norman B. Rice

chicago

2009-09-14T07:24:00.001-07:00

back from an awesome trip to Chicago. my travel buddy, kelly, has an awesome friend will, who put us up for a couple of nights & entertained us. took in a couple of Cubs games...one from the rooftop and the other on the 3rd base line, 6 rows up...with a fantabulous view of the bullpen. one word = berg. hung out here for a bit after the game on friday. then spent a couple of hours at germanfest. after saturday's game, we took kelly's parental units here in celebration of her dad's b-day. then we regrouped & lounged here for a couple of drinks & laughs. and of course, it wouldn't be a trip to Chi-town without a trip here.

all in all, a great trip & one that shall be repeated annually.

i'll leave you with a quote to sum up our weekend:

We're Chicago - we can do anything, damn it. -Elva Rupio

2009-09-09T06:31:00.000-07:00

All of us get lost in the darkness, dreamers learn to steer by the stars.

Rush, The Pass

2009-09-01T07:13:00.001-07:00

What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

2009-08-31T05:15:00.000-07:00

Here in your mind you have complete privacy. Here there's no difference between what is and what could be.

Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

2009-08-24T13:37:00.001-07:00

My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny.

Elaine Maxwell

2009-08-21T10:01:00.000-07:00

'Cause when you are dreaming you see for miles and miles

Tom Waits, Midnight Lullaby

2009-08-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

To look backward for a while is to refresh the eye, to restore it, and to render it the more fit for its prime function of looking forward.

Margaret Fairless Barber, The Roadmender

2009-08-17T14:19:00.000-07:00

had a good weekend. still moving. FML. have decided to start saving like now for our next move....in 10 yrs. i shall hire movers.

hung out with some friends here friday night....best mexican martinis. EVER. then we went here for some not so good margaritas. <--this place...you have to climb about 30 stairs to get to it....we saw several people fall. and i tripped going up, of course.

and that's about it. i swear, i am so boring these days. srsly. who knew that TTC provided so much more bloggable crap?

ooh! this band is playing here on sept 29, i'mma try to drag emily since kelly won't go a 2nd time. and this band will be here on oct 8...and ACL is smooshed in btwn! these are the reasons i love the ATX.

2009-08-13T07:02:00.000-07:00

You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.

Mary Pickford

2009-08-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

so, we're officially moving into our new house. i love it. but moving sucks. and there's not much more i can say about that.

training is going good. hitting the gym 6x a week. trainer is kicking my ass but i suppose that's his job.

lil bro is still with us. mom wants him back next week tho. summer has flown by and it's time for him to get ready for the 8th grade (scary).

work is work.

the next few months are going to be exciting. at the end of aug, kelly will be moving back from seattle and staying with us for a bit. then, in early sept. another friend, emily, will be moving from georgia and staying with us while her fiance finishes up army basic training. poor captain...all the estrogen! lmao! in sept, kelly and i will be heading north to chi-town to check out some Cubs games! woot woot!! cannot wait!

and that's all for now! carry on...

2009-08-10T10:36:00.001-07:00

It is the possibility that keeps me going … and though you may call me a dreamer or a fool or any other thing, I believe that anything is possible.

Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

2009-08-06T06:28:00.000-07:00

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon--instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.

Dale Carnegie

2009-08-04T06:28:00.000-07:00

On Sunday I turned the big 3.0! I can't believe it and I can't wait to rock out in my 30's.

*

The other day a man asked me what I thought was the best time of life. "Why," I answered without a thought, "now."

David Grayson

2009-08-01T14:41:00.000-07:00

Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever be the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees.

Victor Hugo

2009-07-29T20:58:00.001-07:00

No man understands a deep book until he has seen and lived at least part of its contents.

Ezra Pound

2009-07-28T16:59:00.000-07:00

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

Robert McCloskey

2009-07-27T07:03:00.000-07:00

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the day, saying I will try again tomorrow.

Mary Anne Radmacher

shared thoughts on the above from a dear friend: You try your hardest, you give it your all—and sometimes it won’t be enough and you’ll fail, but you’ll know that you tried, and you’ll be ready to try again. Being brave isn’t about not being afraid—it’s about facing your fears, embracing them and growing out of them.

So true.

2009-07-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

Perhaps when you’re alone, at night, in your place
You will hear that someone calls you without you knowing who they are
And so you will learn, that there are things like the wind
That really exist, but you can’t see

And it is also possible that one haste filled afternoon
Like a flower blooms, you’ll feel an urge
And so you will learn that there are things like the river
That are always leaving, but they never leave

Or crossing the street, your laughing heart
Will remember a heartache you didn’t have yesterday
And so you will learn that there are things like dreams
Things that have never been, but that could

Even if you prefer to ignore these things
You will know why you sigh while listening to a song
And so you will learn that there are things like roses
Things that are beautiful, without knowing that they are

And during any afternoon, you’ll feel as though you have left
And an ashy breeze will be spread in your garden
And so you will learn that time and forgetting
Are the things that never end.

José Angel Buesa, Poema de las Cosas

2009-07-15T07:40:00.000-07:00

I'm on the corner waiting for a light to come on
That's when I know that you're alone
It's cold in the desert, water never sees the ground
Special unspoken without sound

Told me you love me, that I'd never die alone
Hand over your heart, let's go home
Everyone noticed, everyone has seen the signs
I've always been known to cross lines

I never ever cried when I was feeling down
I've always been scared of the sound
Jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load
I'm too young to feel this old

Here's to you, here's to me
On to us, nobody knows
Nobody sees, nobody but me

Kings of Leon, Cold Desert

2009-07-11T18:12:00.000-07:00

all of the sudden, out of no where it hit me like a ton of bricks today. i haven't thought about infertility too deeply in several months.

but i was sitting here watching a TOILET PAPER commercial of all things, and a little boy running thru the hall. and BAM. there it is....flood gates opened. tbh, i'm seriously annoyed more than anything else. i know that until we either do get pregnant and have a baby or until we decide what our familial future holds, i'll never be 'over' infertility...or at least have 'moved on'. but shit. i was not expecting to just have a fucking breakdown unexpectedly. and only one word comes to mind right now.

FAILURE.

2009-07-08T06:04:00.001-07:00

Madness need not be all breakdown. It may also be break-through. It is potential liberation and renewal as well as enslavement and existential death.

R.D. Laing

2009-07-02T21:51:00.000-07:00

well, i started going to the gym. even got myself a trainer. i had my first official workout session with him yesterday. i woke up today feeling hungover. every fucking muscle hurts. ALL OF THEM. what the hell am i thinking? sigh.

i have another session tomorrow and i am already wondering WTF he could have in store b/c i dunno that my jello legs will be able to fully support me. i mean, i have issues with clumbsiness to being with...but this has got me all outta balance.

i have to go buy some of these tomorrow. and all i'mma say about them is that they cause me a great deal of pain. but the trainer says they're necessary. and since he's in the know, i shall follow his orders.

have some new music recs for you lovelies. am thoroughly enjoying these artists....and a shout out to Lucy for passing them along! i've added a song from each to my playlist below. also, be warned...i have put a few of my fav MJ songs on this week's playlist as well.

Xavier Rudd

Joe Purdy

AA Bondy

the house is coming along. we're supposed to close on july 30. things have been going pretty smoothly w/ everything. i've been expecting the ball to drop at some point, but so far - we've been good to go.

hope you're all doing well and enjoy this holiday weekend. Happy 4th of July & God Bless America!

cheerio!

thoughts on waiting

2009-07-01T05:12:00.000-07:00

i beg you… to have patience with everything unresolved
in your heart and try to love the questions themselves
as if they were locked rooms or books written
in a very foreign language. don’t search for
the answers, which could not be given to you
now, because you would not be able
to live them. And the point is, to live
everything. live the questions now.
perhaps then, some day far in the
future, you will gradually,
without even noticing it, live
your way into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903; in Letters to a Young Poet

*provided by miss kc...i love and miss you. now go update your damn blog and let the world know who you are! ;)*

2009-06-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

Proverbs often contradict one another, as any reader soon discovers. The sagacity that advises us to look before we leap promptly warns us that if we hesitate we are lost; that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but out of sight, out of mind.

Leo Rosten

for you

2009-06-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

Regardless of how high we fly, all of us must sooner or later handle the tough times that life inevitably tosses our way. But that's not all bad. Contrary to popular belief, character is not built when tough times occur; it is revealed.

So even at those times when your most precious of dreams have been blown apart or smashed to smithereens, you can immediately pick up your spirits by picking up the pieces right then and there. Not whenever you feel like it or get around to it, but right that very moment. By picking up the pieces and moving forward, learning from your past experiences and mistakes, you can quickly build on these life lessons and forge the life you have longed to live.

Best of all, you will put the all the pieces together and ultimately uncover your unique place in the sun.

Anne Frank

2009-06-11T14:37:00.001-07:00

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

home again

2009-06-07T15:26:00.000-07:00

well, we made it back from the big V. had a fantabulous time. really, we did. and we actually did pretty well. had a few big wins. and relaxed. heading back in Nov for a girls' only trip and i cannot wait.

trying to get back in the swing of things. have a ton of laundry to catch up on. and need to clean out my fridge. it'll have to wait. le sigh.

not a whole lot going on, tbh. heading to the Blanco Lavender Festival on Friday. should be fun; hot but fun. we'll see.

gearing up for my little brother's annual summer visit. haha. i can't wait.

so, yea. we're buying a house. i'm a nervous wreck over it. it's coming along. the brick is up. so that's cool. still fucking scared shitless. but a las, this is the next move in life, no? at least that's what i keep telling myself.

hope all you silent peeps are doing well. i know you're there. you just don't comment. but i can see you....hehe...little stars from around the globe (map). lol! sorry i don't give you much to read these days. my life seems to have slowed to musings and reflections instead of the more personal shit that TTC brought on. so, sorry if you're bored or if i disappoint.

cheerio!

wanna laugh?

2009-06-02T13:20:00.000-07:00

2009-06-02T13:12:00.001-07:00

we take off for Vegas tomorrow but i wanted to leave you with this:

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

Alan Cohen

2009-05-27T12:29:00.000-07:00

We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.

Friedrich Nietzsche

2009-05-26T10:27:00.001-07:00

Very often we are our own worst enemy as we foolishly build stumbling blocks on the path that leads to success and happiness.

Louis Binstock

things are getting crazay!

2009-05-21T06:19:00.001-07:00

yea, yea. i know i've turned into a quote poster but really, sometimes it's easier to let the words of others describe my mood. kwim?

today tho, you get some substance. lol.

booked our trip for Vegas. countdown: 14 days. cannot wait. a little bummed that the dude i had wanted to do my tat won't be in town while we're there, so i'm postponing the ink until my next trip out there - a girls trip in November.

we're finally considering buying a house. i'm excited and extremely nervous about the whole thing. it seems so...final. i mean, i know it's not but i dunno...me and my commitment issues. sigh. haha! i'll keep y'all posted.

oh! hi-ho, hi-ho. guess who's the mama of a new mac.book.pro? i love it and i wanna have macbabies. ;)

peace out!

2009-05-20T06:50:00.000-07:00

The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become.

W.E.B. Du Bois

2009-05-17T18:39:00.000-07:00

The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself.

Laozi

2009-05-15T14:34:00.000-07:00

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.

Lao Tzu

hola, peeps

2009-05-12T07:31:00.000-07:00

so, not a lot going on. i know, i know...shocking!

mother's day was a ball of fun. not. it has to be the most dreaded holiday for me. and i wish i could just curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. but alas, i can't. and so i don't. and it's not really that i'm still drowning in my own misery related to IF b/c i'm not. but mother's day is a reminder...and let's be real, do we IF'ers need reminders? i mean, it's there. it's in the back of my head...i can think about it whenever i want to. sigh.

moving on...

i *think* i finally 'found' the tattoo that i want to get. i'll be sure to post a pic once i have it done.

the captain's b-day is next month and i'm not sure what to get him. he'll be 35...old. hehe. i'm taking suggestions for a gift. shoot me your thoughts.

it's already summer her in the ATX. hazy days are ahead....blech!

looking forward to going to roller derby on sunday with some friends; should be totes fun!

the captain is going on his annual boys' trip this weekend. what's a girl to do with 3 days to herself? bwahahahahaha actually, i think i might sign up for a sewing class and get a little project i've been working on out of the way.

and that's it. see...nada...zilch...i got nuttin'! but mebbe that's not such a bad thing?

2009-05-06T05:46:00.000-07:00

I feel my body, my mind, weighted down - all is heavy - but my blood, my inner fire, my passion, the little unburdened kid in me, patiently wait to burst free. Some of us die never having burst.

- Drew Sirtors

boring meme

2009-05-04T14:21:00.000-07:00

1. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Flores Mexican...local haunt
2. What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it?TexMex (haha)
3. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Scar Tissue and wisdom teeth
4. What is the last heavy item you lifted? Smoker/BBQ Pit...o.0 at the captain
5. Have you ever been knocked unconscious? negative
6. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? nope.
7. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? i have no clue.
8. What’s your goal for the year? mark some things off my list
9. Last person you hugged? the captain
10. First place you went this morning? potty
11. Do you always answer your phone? nope
12. It’s four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it? hahaffnhaha
13. If you could change your eye color what would it be? i wouldn't. green rulz.
14. What’s on your wish list for your birthday? sky diving!
15. Does the future make you more nervous or excited? excited
16. Do you have any saved texts? unintentionally
17. Ever been in a car wreck? yep
18. Do you have an accent? i am from Texas
19. What was the last song to make you cry? Lenders in the Temple, Conor Oberst
20. What did you do last night? read
21. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? been close, but no.
22. Current hate right now? noobs
23. Met someone who changed your life? yep
24. How did you bring in the New Year? with my 13yro brother!
25. What song represents you? oooo...good question; it changes. lol!

2009-04-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

The greatest hazard of all, losing one’s self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss - an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. - is sure to be noticed.

- Søren Kierkegaard, The Sickness Unto Death : Kierkegaard's Writings, Vol 19

catching up

2009-04-28T14:44:00.000-07:00

i have no idea where to start, so i'm just going to start rambling....as usual.

friend and fellow blogger, Lori (private blog) welcomed baby Landen! congrat's to Lori and David!

*
was OOT on business last week. went to C-bus, Ohio. watched a minor league baseball game in the wind and rain; ate a hot dog. i know, i know. but i was starving and thought i might die...from both starvation and the hot dog. hung out here; i can't recommend any food but i can tell you they make some mean cranberry & vodka's. also hung out here to see a band (o.O...can't find them on the interwebs or i'd link you). all in all, met some fun peeps and had a good time.

*
am seriously giddy over this 2009 lineup. if you're my friend on face.book, check out my lineup.
i cannot wait. gah. the countdown has begun. oct 2-4. if you're in the ATX, holla!

*
was rec'd a band. bought the album. and love it.

*
heh. my neighbor came by last night...asked us about having kids. surprisingly, infertility and our situation rolled right off my tongue. no hesitation. then she asked who my dr was (she's an L&D nurse). i told her. she then told me that was my problem. that he sucked. and cont'd on and on...um. yea. then i got kinda pissy. but then came the 'you're still young' comment. yea. i thought that, too. but 3 years later...still aging. and eggs are a'rottin'. but whatevs.

*
trying to plan a trip to vegas next month. crossing my fingers everything falls into place. we desperately need it.

*
last but not least...and most exciting. am planning on purchasing this. i am a little nervous, for obvious reasons. but i am so friggin' excited. is there anything i should know? any advice?

and that's about it. i know. pretty meh. but tomorrow it's wordy wednesday and i know how much y'all just live for that. haha!

peace.

i'm back...kinda...

2009-04-27T08:38:00.000-07:00

haha....no seriously, i was out all last week on a business trip and am still regaining my bearings. i'll post more tomorrow when i have some time to actually put together something decent for you lovelies to read.

have a great day!

2009-04-15T06:34:00.000-07:00

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

- Friedrich Nietzsche

from my F*@% It Bucket List

2009-04-12T12:23:00.000-07:00

this is for my AK, who told me at the wedding she reads my blog. but apparently doesn't comment...shame on you, AK. i was going to list them in the order i wrote them but decided to just randomly pull and c/p...here are 13 from my list (13 is my lucky/fav number) -

2. Sky Diving (this will be crossed off on Aug 2!)
6. No-Predetermined-Destination Road Trip
14. World Series
21. ride a bull
27. ride a train - the Orient Express, travel Europe by train, too.
36. write a book about my life - not leaving out anything
46. ride a camel thru the desert
51. jump off a cliff
63. take a pic w/ Royal Guard
88. send a message in a balloon or bottle
90. run the stairs in Philly....Rocky style
95. surfing
111. stomp grapes

i know, i know. i'm b-o-r-i-n-g. nothing terribly exciting or unique, so sorry to disappoint. haha!

peace!

2009-04-09T07:16:00.001-07:00

so, last weekend was the wedding. there were no surprises but that doesn't mean it went on without incident. i came to two conclusions after the 3 day affair - 1. my family never disappoints. never. & 2. weddings are overrated. my advice to you singletons - E.L.O.P.E. save yourself the stress and the bullshit that goes along with having a wedding. go get hitched, get the little 8x10 piece of paper that will bind you to another person for life (hopefully) and then we'll throw down like it's 1999 in celebration. no expectations. no hurt feelings. no bridezillas. and it'll be perfectly acceptable for you to be unable to stand upright at the end of the night...on your own two feet...because it's a party, not a wedding. just sayin'.

***

i took a nap last night and woke up craving a frosty from W.endy's. and a small fry. 'cause
frosty + fries = win. i told the Captain what I wanted and he just looked at me. so i twitched my nose and puckered my lips. that worked. i started heading towards W.endy's and the Captain said it was too far (meaning further than his 2 mile rule) and told me just to go to McD's for a milkshake. i rolled my eyes. now, i realize that for some of you, this may be no big deal. but for me, it is. i mean, how can you seriously compare a FROSTY to a MILKSHAKE? don't even try. you can't.

FAIL.

but i wasn't going to argue about going to McD's. i did argue the difference between the chocolaty goodness though. and i think i won. hell, i know i did. so, we get our milkshakes from McD's. sans fries. cuz you just can't trust McD's fries....sometimes they're perfection and then sometimes, they look about as old as my g'ma. sorry g'ma. and it's not really the same as a frosty and fries, anyways. and if you can't do something right, just don't do it.

came home, plopped my tush on my couch. started sucking thru the straw of my milkshake (um...obviously, that's ONE major difference...frosty = no sucking. must use spoon. damn, i want a friggin' frosty! never again Captain will you deny me the frosty. never.) as i'm sucking, i look over to my left just to check and make sure it's still there. and it is. staring at me. and i stare back. wagging my tongue like a 2yro. and the elliptical will still be there later. taunting me. but i didn't care. i was trying to enjoy my milkshake. and i did. as much as anyone can enjoy a milkshake...instead of a frosty.

and that was that. my craving was not satisfied. and i'm still wanting a frosty. with fries. from W.endy's.

it's now been added to my TDL for this weekend. #4 - FROSTY & FRIES.

but for now, Happy Thursday!

2009-04-08T06:34:00.000-07:00

"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry."

~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 24, spoken by the character Mr. Antolini

*i'll be posting regularly again starting tomorrow...things have just been crazy busy 'round these parts*

2009-04-01T07:09:00.000-07:00

I'm on call, to be there.
One and all, to be there.
And When I fall, to pieces.
Lord you know, I'll be there waiting.

To be there.
To be there.

I'm on call, to be there.
One and all, to be there.
And When I fall, to pieces.
Lord you know, I'll be there waiting.

I'm gon' brawl, so be there.
One for all, I'll be there.
And when they fall, to pieces.
Lord you know, I'll be there laughing.

Kings of Leon, On Call

2009-03-30T13:15:00.001-07:00

not much going on. saturday sucked, as expected. but it was an internal struggle more than anything else. we didn't really talk about it on saturday, as we'd briefly touched on the topic friday night. i think the captain knew i just needed to process it on my own. and i did. i guess.

whatever.

april is going to be crazy busy for me/us. my sister's wedding is this weekend. then we have a trip to HOU next week for a day. the following week we'll be in HOU all week. and the next week (20-24), i'll be in OH on business.

at least i'm keeping myself busy, i suppose.

oh. my blogoversary was march 17. missed it. sigh. and btw, blogoversary just doesn't sound right after the mr. blogo fiasco. hmm. anyway. happy blog-versary to me. yay.

picked up this. not bad. not my fav but not bad. and the RJA album i picked up a couple of weeks ago (previous post) - total win. get it. you'll love it.

until next time....

2009-03-25T04:54:00.000-07:00

Although I've mostly walked in the shadows

I'm still searching for the light

Won't you put your faith in me

We both know that's what matters

If you give me a chance I'll try

You see I've been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down

I've been reaching high always losing ground

You see I've conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb

And right now, right now I'm doing the best I can

At this point in my life

Tracy Chapman, At This Point In My Life