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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Into My Own
One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto the edge of doom.
I should not be withheld but that some day
Into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.
I do not see why I should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.
They would not find me changed from him they knew--
Only more sure of all I thought was true.
-Robert Frost

After A While

Monday, December 21, 2009

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up
and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
And you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...
-Veronica A Shoffstall

not a lot

Sunday, December 20, 2009

this weekend was pretty uneventful. unless you count the cow.boys win over new.orleans. because that was just...epic.  and so very awesome...if not a little bittersweet. 

my trip for february has been booked...i'll give a few more details as the time nears.  now i'm just trying to figure out what to pack. fun times. 

the weather has been awesome the past 2 days, so we've done a lot of outdoorsy things. went to a xmas bazaar and left feeling disappointed.  not at all what i expected and a bit too small for the $12 to get in...and the $5 to park.  lessons learned. 

i have a busy work week much to do in only 2.5 days. gah. 

hope y'all have a wonderful holiday, however you choose to celebrate it. 


Thursday, December 17, 2009

on monday, some of our very best friends welcomed a new baby girl...a little pink to add to their brood (3) of blue. and she is adorable and soft and fuzzy and all baby. i sent the Captain up to see the newest addition on the day of her birth with our gifts, as i was unable to break away. but i did go visit on day 2 of her stunning little life and...

i'm not sure how to explain it. i was concerned about my how i would feel and/or react. because the last thing i wanted to be was snot-sobbing in sadness...and i wasn't. and i didn't want to come off as overjoyed at the birth, lest someone think it fake (entirely possible, i can pull off the fake happy like no other)...and i didn't. i was, for lack of a better word, content.

for the first time in a really fucking long time, i was FINE. i didn't once think about infertility or feel a longing for my own baby. nothing. nada. i just enjoyed being there with my friend and cradling little Miss M for a bit...until she made this yawning face and i just knew she was about to spit up all over me (and friend had to laugh b/c apparently 2 day olds don't really hack up, hehe) and so friend's mother came to the rescue and took the baby.

and in that moment, i took a breath i hadn't realized i'd been holding. perhaps it was because subconsciously, i was just waiting for the breakdown and trying my best to enact a few self-preservation tactics, like you know, not allowing oxygen to flow to the brain. or maybe, just maybe, it was that i realized that, for me, there is life outside of infertility and it doesn't have to encompass every thought, occasion, fear, want or need.

i'm still not ready to jump back on the ttc train again. nope. not even close. and that's okay, too. after putting our lives on hold for the 3 years with the mantra of "we can't because we might be pregnant," i think we're starting to actually live again. and that's good. really good. it is what it is. and for me, IT is not IF right now. and when we're ready to jump back in the game, it will all be for the better. hell, maybe we'll even be a little less bitter and a lot more optimistic. one can hope...

i realize that i'm in a much different place with my personal IF struggle/acceptance/co-existence than many others, some of whom are close to me. but i can't be any different than what i am. and that, too, is okay. it's been mentioned that i've "pulled back" since our decision to stop ttc. and i have. i've never said otherwise. but that, too, is about self-preservation. when you're trying to find yourself, the person you kind of lost while playing the waiting game for so long, it's not conducive to surround yourself with the same things. in order for you to change, things around you have to change. this is not to say that i wish to lose friends or let friends go. it's just that i can't immerse myself in constant sadness of longing and wanting and depression and mourning and needing ALL THE TIME because then, i wouldn't be moving forward. and i have to move forward. i have to or i'll fucking drown myself in self-misery and self-pity. and i can't do that anymore. once in a while, sure. i'm human. but on the constant - no. and so i hope that you can accept what i have to offer and if not, i understand. i truly do. and what i have to offer is my friendship and my shoulder and my ear. the same things that have always been there, just maybe with a different perspective than before.

*check back with me next week and i may feel completely different. but today, i'm pretty fucking comfortable with myself. and that's all i can do...take it one day at a time. see, somethings don't change.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.

-Albert Schweitzer

meme aka copping out

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

got this from Jen's blog (i'd link you but she's private. yea, i'm special.)

I’ve come to realize that my chest-size. . .is different depending on the boob.
I’ve come to realize that my job. . .can suck a donkey ball but i need it.
I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. . .i pretend i'm auditioning for American.Idol
I’ve come to realize that I need. . . to be free from a lot of things/people.
I’ve come that realize that I have lost. . . nothing.
I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . . the person i thought you were, isn't you at all.
I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . . i'll wake up with unexplainable bruises.
I’ve come to realize that money. . .does help.
I’ve come to realize that certain people. . .have big britches & a lot of empty room.
I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . . be crass, obnoxious and foul-mouthed.
I’ve come to realize that my sisters. . . are very different from me, and that's ok.
I’ve come to realize that my mom…is human.
I’ve come to realize that my cell phone. . . is an extension of my arm; if i could attach it, I would.
I’ve come to realize that when I wake up in the morning. . . i get another chance.
I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . . i should've done more.
I’ve come to realize that my dad. . . is human, too.
I’ve come to realize that today. . .might be THE day.
I’ve come to realize that tonight. . .i'll be thankful.
I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . . will never come.
I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . . live.
I’ve come to realize that life. . . is full of adventure.
I’ve come to realize that my friends. . . are my family.
I’ve come to realize that this year. . .will count.
I’ve come to realize that my exes. . .are exes for a reason.
I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . . stop planning around 'what if's' and start planning 'what now's'
I’ve come to realize that I love. . . comes in many sizes, shapes and forms.
I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . .a lot.
I’ve come to realize that parties. . .are hit or miss but have a blast anyway.
I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . .of dying before i complete my 'fuck it bucket list'.
I’ve come to realize that my life. . .is the only thing that is truly mine.


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

we've decided not to decorate for christmas. i think the captain just doesn't want to deal with it and that's all. not only do i not want to deal with the hassle (and IDGAF what you say, it IS a PITA to decorate), i just generally do not have any desire to celebrate xmas.

i've never been big on the holidays, save for my birthday. i wonder if it's a symptom of growing up with divorced parents and being tossed from one house to the next (so unique, i know)? or maybe i've grown tired of the demands that are unspoken but i know are whose house we go to for xmas dinner? because we all know that where you choose to spend xmas dinner is essentially the same thing as saying "we like/love them more." and let's not forget that it all HAS to be on the 25th, g-d forbid you even consider making plans for the 24th or the 26th. and try not to mention that you have like 503829040 houses to go to because your parents couldn't make it work and can't be in the same room together without a screening of Apocalypse Now playing out. and then there's the in-law's. but i digress...whatever.

if i had it my way we'd be vacationing for xmas, every year. but the captain doesn't like the idea of being away from his family. go fucking figure.