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weekend re-cap

Monday, January 26, 2009

spent Friday night at Austin's Park celebrating my brother's 13th b-day (I know, I'm in shock too...13?)....figured out that I suck at put-put but that i love it anyway.

saturday, j and my other brother, g, came up. they brought Rock.Band. hours and hours of endless fun. i bet the look on my face when i saw "Creep" by Radio.Head as one of the songs was priceless!'d have thought i was at an actual RH concert. lmao. it was decided that i was the weak link in the "CC & the Rednecks" band (remember, he's 13). admittedly, i suck at the drums. meh.

sunday just lounged. watched a few movies and made some gumbo for dinner. gumbo was great...until the captain figured out that i used turkey sausage. who cares! just eat it! and he did. and he liked it, at least that's what he told me. ;)

bro g headed back to the Mari.nes this AM. he was on a 2 week leave after basic...very proud of him...came home a different person, a better person.

and that's all i've got. see, i told you i'm lacking in things to blog about.....taking suggestions....


things you don't know

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I was going to list 50 things you don't know about me but decided that was WAY too ambitious. Here are 25...

25. If I didn't color my hair, my head would be solid white. (note I did not say grey)
24. My favorite number is 13.
23. I've held residences in TX, FL and CO. But I am Texas born, Texas bred and when I die, I'll be Texas dead.
22. I used to do my sisters' homework. Like, all of it. All the time. So, y'all can blame me.
21. I cannot stand beer. It tastes like pee (I've never tasted pee but I am assuming that's what pee tastes or should that be the other way around? : / )
20. I am very, very clumsy. I fall a lot - and nothing need even be in my way. Actually, most of the time, there is no obstacle in my path. Sigh.
19. I sat down to take the LSAT my senior year in college. I left 25min into the exam. No regrets.
18. My senior year in high school, I moved to a town of 900 people and graduated in a class of 43. (I came from a city w/ nearly 1 million and a class of almost 700)
17. Above mentioned year was the best year of high school.
16. I worked full-time while attending night classes in college. Graduated in 4 yrs 2 months (summer) with two degrees.
15. I blew an engine in my most beloved car (Ford Bro.nco) because I failed to change the oil. Or add oil. Either way, it was oil-less.
14. My handwriting changes with the weather.
13. I cannot run. CAN.NOT run. Picture it here.
12. I have better than perfect eye-sight.
11. Until sometime last year (I can't even remember when), I had a blankie. I could not leave my house overnight with out it and could not sleep without it near.
10. I sucked my thumb until I was 10.
9. I didn't learn to tie my shoes until I was 8. And this is how I tie them. & always, always double knot.
8. I will wear my flip-flops even if it's snowing out.
7. The ganja does nothing for/to me - this was actually rather disappointing.
6. Random things that will make me hurl: anything scented vanilla or sugar cookie; Lipton seasonings; boiling hot dogs.
5. My eyebrows are naturally shaped...just a little waxing of strays is all I need to do.
4. Best $3.50 I've ever spent (and continue to)
3. The Captain slammed the door in my face when we first met - it wasn't an accident.
2. I am painfully shy in real life.
1. You will always find this in my house. I have one every night. In bed.


i'm still here....

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

just trying to figure out what the heck to blog about! LOL!

No, seriously. My life/blog has been consumed w/ TTC for such a long time, that I'm at a loss as to what to write about these days. But I promise, I'll come up with something mindnumbing soon.

Speaking of mindnumbing - this series, read it. Read all 4. If you're like me, you'll breeze thru them & not even remember to eat. So, I say, give in. Be a follower for once in your life, not a leader. Join the pack. Join the movement. Go pick it up today. Indulge yourself, lose yourself in the obsession that is Twi.light.

(you'll either love me or hate me later but you will thank me.)


just the two of us

Friday, January 9, 2009

I'm not sure how to even begin this post but I have to put this out there - put it out into the universe, as they say.

Do you ever have conversations in your head? Discussions you imagine you're having with a person(s) but you know it will never happen in real life? Y'all do this, too. Right? Right??

A little back story - one year ago yesterday, the Captain had his accident. For reasons I'm sure you can guess, I can't go into too much detail. What I can tell you is that after the accident, he was left with 8 ruptured discs in his back and a torn ACL and a pretty banged up body. Needless to say, he's not been a very happy camper these past 12 months. But, we're truckin' along & doing what we need to in order to get him healthy again - and get our lives back on the track that was dealt a detour.

Fast forward to last week...I was having this imaginary conversation, no it was more of an argument...or an "i'm gonna rip your head off" from me towards someone else, a close family member. During this mind-game, I said/thought about the fact that the Captain almost died. Could have died. Didn't die. But the reality is that the kind of accident that it was - the potential for death was there. That was the first time in 12 months that I'd even let that word swarm my brain. Perhaps, as a friend said, it's because we've been in survivor mode...just trying to make sure that he is getting the care that he needs and is comfortable and able to maintain some sort of dignity throughout this ordeal. Sounds like a logical enough answer, so that's the one I'm going to reason with because I don't really want to dwell on it, obviously.

After this "realization" happened, I couldn't escape it. The "what ifs" started creeping into my head nonstop. And I started thinking about how things could've been different. The problem with all of this is - I am not that person. I am not (generally) one to go back and try to find the different path that should've been taken. I make it a goal of mine to be present where I'm at and deal with what's right in front of me at the moment. So this whole going back in time thing was driving me insane. And I refused to give into it.

So for 5 days, I delved into a book series and read all 4 books(future post). I kept myself closed off from my own mind but also from the Captain. He can tell with one look on my face when something is wrong and I did not want to, was not going to, tell him any of this. But then I was done reading. And I was left with nothing but my own thoughts - which can be a health hazard, I've decided.

My thoughts lead me to one huge conclusion and at a loss for how to share it with my husband. But I didn't have time to really think (see above: imaginary conversation) about how the talk would go down b/c it just hit me like a brick. I knew that when I woke up Wednesday morning, I wasn't right. I knew I was off. I knew I should have never even attempted to go into the office. And I knew that I wouldn't make it thru the day. And I didn't. And by noon, I was on my way home trying to figure out exactly how I was going to tell the Captain about what the hell was going on inside my brain.

My biggest fears were denial and rejection. I was afraid that when I told him what I was thinking, what I wanted, what I needed to happen going forward, that he would try to sway me a different direction and/or that he would outright reject me. I was reassuring myself that both of those things are completely out of character for him but you just never know.

He met me at the door, after he heard my car pull up into the driveway. And was immediately asking me if I was ok, was it work, what happened, what's wrong, why are you home? And I said yes, no, I don't know, nothing and give me a second to change my clothes because we need to talk. So at least the hard part was done, right? At least I had put it out there - we needed to talk. And you know whenever you hear "talk" from your's not always a good thing. And I recognized that almost as fast as it had come out of my mouth, so I followed it with - nothing bad, just a discussion. Whew.

And this is pretty much how it went:

What's going on, he asks. I tell him about my wild imagination and my crazy fantasy conversation. And he reminded me again and again that he's not dead. He didn't die. He's still here. And it's plain silly for me to start thinking that way now. And he was right, and I knew that, so at least we were on the same page at this point.

But then came the hard part. The part that had been weighing heavily on me for a couple of days.

I told him that I basically felt cheated out of the last year. That 2008 was a farce. A year stolen from our marriage, from us. A time we will never get back. And it's only going to get longer...2008 may run into 2009 or 2010. I don't know. But I want it back. I want the time that we lost back. For all the things that we couldn't do, didn't do. For us. I need it back. After all this mess is over, I want to have a do-over. Frankly, I think we deserve a refund.

Ok, he says. (which meant that he had no idea what was coming next)

And then I told him. I told him the most selfish request I have ever had. I told him that I was done TTC. For 2009 and possibly longer. He didn't say anything but I saw his face turn a different shade of white. So, I had to reassure him that I didn't mean never. Of course, I still want to have a child(ren). That hasn't changed. But what has changed is that I need my time back with him. For us to be us again. To find some sort of normalcy again after all this shit has come and gone. I also submitted to him that I would understand if he didn't agree but that I wasn't in a place to compromise on this right now. And that I didn't know when I would be in that phase (TTC) again. That after almost three years of being in the TTC game, I was emotionally spent and the pressure had reached it's breaking point, I said. And that I just can't go diving into it again, head first, when all this fiasco is over. I can't and I won't. And I don't want to even talk time dates, no calendars, nothing, I finally finished.

He just stared at me for a couple of minutes. And I was bracing myself for the absolute worse. I hadn't been crying while I was telling him all of this and I was glad for that small miracle because I knew he wouldn't have been honest with me if I were a blubbering mess. He'd have spared me. And I didn't want to be spared.

But then he said what I was least expecting but had been waiting for him to say for the past 2.5 years as we've gone thru this infertility bullshit. I was beginning to wonder if he'd ever say it but I knew I needed to hear it.

I understand, he says. I understand 100% and I agree...about everything. No more baby talk. No more doctor appointments. More time for just us. And you have got to know that none of it, none of this matters, if it means I can't have you, he finished.

Cue sobbing. Tears. Ever flowing tears. Never ending tears.

He came and helped me off the ground (my knees had buckled from underneath me and I was on the floor) and shared a moment in silence. No talking, just absorbing what we'd both said and acknowledging our new but not permanent path.

And that was that. My mind has stopped spinning. My anxiety has subsided. We are just us.

And I can feel that I'm getting back to my little happy place again...a place I've been away from far too long.

feeling like a statue....

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

An e-mail from a friend:

A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked 'How heavy is this glass of water?' Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.' He continued, 'And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on.''

As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. ''So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. ''Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can.

So my friend, put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Remember to fill your senses with something uplifting: Music you love, a gorgeous sunset, a really great meal, passionate kisses, a heart to heart conversation with someone you care about.
*Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
*If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
*If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
*It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.
*Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
*It's the second mouse that gets the cheese.
*When everything 's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
*Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
*Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
*We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty, and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

or maybe I'm the first mouse?

ah, all is right in the world

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

at least for today...

pics from Christmas project

Monday, January 5, 2009

Beth, I hope you like your bag as much as I enjoyed making it for you. Actually, you're pretty lucky you even got it; I was thinking of keeping it myself. Lol! Kidding! Love you!

my one Christmas project

As y'all know, we were a bit busy this holiday season and for that reason, we opted not to do gifts. At all.

Except for one.

I have a small group (5) of friends that I met thru the infertility circuit (i.e. internet) and we splintered off to create our own little secret club. Every year (ok, this is only the 2nd, we do an Elfster gift exchange. This year, my recipient was Beth (ehm, the only one of us who is blog-less).
I can't get the pics to upload correctly (thanks, blogger), so I'm going to create a 2nd post for them.